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and i wish i could wash all my weeping blues away, & watch them disappear on morning tide
This is a post I made on a forum, giving advice & perspective on the addictive cycle of relationships.
Oh, man, do I EVER feel your pain here.
I'm not bipolar, but my natural personality (when not depressed) is very impulsive, happy-go-lucky, passionate, and engaging. I was like that as a kid and when I'm not having an episode and my dysthymia isn't bad, I'm like that now.
I've been serially monogamous (averaging less than a month out of a relationship before I was in a new one) since I was 14, and it's been multiple servings of: 1) getting to know someone, 2) being totally over the top in love with them and basically obsessed with fulfilling their every need, (physical, emotional, or mental), 3) them getting tired of dealing with my mental illnesses OR me realizing I don't actually like them (or both), 4) breakup and then I find someone new and do it all over again.
Stir in abusive dickheads half the time and my hyperactive sex drive all the time, sprinkle in some cheating of the physical and emotional variety every single time, then serve by throwing it at myself to fully encompass the idea of what a hot mess.
Laying it all out makes me feel like a horrible person, but there's something so addictive in the elation of falling for someone new. I know I did it because this cycle distracted me from the never-ending horror show that the rest of my life felt like: all the shitty jobs, panic attacks, exhaustion, depression, & a tremendous amount of self-loathing.
Um. I guess this is the point where I tell you I've been single for ... 15 months now? It's not that long, really, but it's amazing to me that I actually have the ability to be single. I've seen the warning signs of an impending obsession three or four times now, but it's been headed off by either them stepping back or me actually realizing that the person in question [PiQ] was not good for me.
I can't tell you how remarkable and strange it is for me to realistically judge the qualities of the PiQ or even NOTICE that the PiQ is not a good choice. I've been interested in (and generally ended up dating) so many abusive or emotionally neglectful people I could easily make a soccer team out of them. (They would be horrible players with lots of fouling, but yeah, at least a soccer team. 11+ people. Or maybe a rugby team: 15+ people. I'm saying there have been a LOT.)
Unfortunately, I've also come to the realization that this behavior has driven away someone who was actually a great match for me. He doesn't believe that I truly care about him because he saw me go through this cycle with so many other people, and because I went through it with him multiple times. I can't blame him for it, but it means that I've lost one of my best and closest friends (and honestly, the best lay I've ever had >_<).
Please take my advice and seriously consider whether you want to do this to your husband. You obviously love him a great deal, and while I know through experience that the cycle of falling for someone is addictive, it's ... it's never made me happy. I know now that it never will, because as soon as the fun part is over I'd get bored and start looking for someone new.
So, yeah. Advice time, I guess.
First off, my recommendation is that you look for a good mental health team. Definitely a therapist and a psychiatrist. Talk to them honestly about your problems. Take them seriously. If you don't want to be on meds, find ones that aren't going to force you (with the usual caveats about harming yourself/others) but are knowledgeable about all of your options, including medication. Other options besides medication could be group therapy (along with the individual therapy that you are hopefully already doing), meditation & yoga, or I don't know, acupuncture or something. Don't shut out mental health care because you think medication is all there is: meds don't work for me very well at all, but without my treatment team I would almost certainly be dead by now.
Secondly, take some time (and I mean at least a couple months) away from the distraction of looking for someone new. Really think about this, and consider what you would be giving up by engaging in this behavior over and over. I would venture to guess that the panic of "settling down" and giving up on your quest for new loves might be because you don't want to face your issues and would rather ignore them, because that's basically what mine was.
Third, find some new hobbies. If you're anything like me, then you spend a lot of time and energy looking for someone to please (and I don't necessarily mean in bed). One of the hardest things for me to acknowledge (and something I'm nowhere close to mastering) is realizing that I, myself, deserve my own time and energy. I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to do things that I enjoy, not just try to make other people's lives better.
I'm telling you all this because I want you to do what makes your life better, not just what makes your life bearable.
Please, think about what I've said. I hope you don't make the same mistake I did of unintentionally driving away someone who can truly love and support you in the search for some excitement and distraction. Seriously. This addiction is not worth it. I promise.
and i wish i could fly like a bat from a cave
through the darkness of my ignorance to light
i'd forever live on the echoes of our love
and die like some star burning bright
through the darkness of my ignorance to light
i'd forever live on the echoes of our love
and die like some star burning bright
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I reserve the right to print this out & beat you over the head with it, as necessary.
♥
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...Oh hey, minor epiphany going on in my head right now. Thank you for this.
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*Probably not actually true.
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* Footnotes are so totally awesome. I actually have a button that says that.
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I should take a picture of all of them. I have something like 80 or so. That is probably because I am strange. Also I should've warned you that etsy shop emits a gravitational field.
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By way of free association, have I ever mentioned that shortly after we met, I ended up looking through your entire collection of icons, because they were all so awesome? I did. They are.
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I may have a problem, yes. On the other hand, I am tempted to make them available because I have awesome taste in icons.