but you are not permitted to leave

Three Things I Want
that will never happen
(which is probably my fault)

Sometimes, late at night, as I'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep for the 2nd or 5th time that day or night (or whatever) and (inevitably) crying for no particular reason—I think about calling someone. I think, maybe—probably— they would answer, try to console me, tell me that things are going to get better, lie to me, and I would believe them.

I don't call.

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A couple days after New Year's, I was lying in bed and I thought, appropos of nothing, the world probably isn't actually going to end in December.

I was, I realized, rather disappointed.

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I always thought that I would get what I wanted or die trying.

And now, it looks like I'm going to do neither.