save your sanity for later.

I try to remember that none of this is permanent. This too shall pass, etc, etc.

So far it hasn't made a dent.

Trial has been postponed, now rescheduled for October sixth.

The underside of my car is basically rusted through, so tomorrow I call repair shops & bargain my way through complicated arrangements of getting me everywhere I need to go, and nowhere I want to be.

---

Life is so ridiculously difficult right now. I feel almost regretful that I've always enjoyed and embraced my sexuality, like that's what led to this outcome—obviously, logic has no place in my head at the moment.

I just want this to be over. I want my life back. Too bad that the last remnants of a life where I was happy were deliberately smashed by a person who claimed to love me.

Yet how much of this is my fault? I allowed my needs and wants to be ignored, acquiescenced to the sick parody of love that Josh supplied, contradicted the valid rationale of all of my friends and family who disliked him, distrusted my own judgment, and enacted few boundaries.

Being sexually assaulted is not my fault, I know that, but ... what if I'd stood up for myself earlier?

I'll never know.

Now remains the task: to stand up for myself, protect myself, build my own life... somehow.

I miss having my own kitchen, which was full of food I could actually see myself eating.

(Today's pointless whine brought to you by the grape jelly sitting on the kitchen table. Ugh. I hate that shit.)