save your sanity for later.

The problem with being both reasonably intelligent and introspective is that inevitably over-reactions become apparent when after a few minutes, we are seized with an overwhelming regret.

( Well, yeah, *no*, I don't think I regret *all* of my smart mouth. [tw: mentioned in passing: racism, child abuse, stupidity] )

Let's not say I'm insane. Let's call it crazy... with style.

---

Breaking news here in my kitchen, which I think is hilarious but FAIR WARNING, you will likely find horrifying and not funny!:

So I just walked into the kitchen and discovered that I had boiled water for tea, put sugar in the cup (it's chai so the sugar goes in when it brews), put the tea bags in, and then never poured the water in.

Over an hour ago.

So I thought "you know, this may be the worst thing my brain has done to me in the last 24 hours, fucking hell."

The past twenty four hours, which consisted of disassociating from my emotions entirely, trying to break up with my very loving boyfriend because I forgot why I was working past the pain in the first place, and ( tw: self harm )

And then this morning when I snapped out of the emotion-less fugue, it was partially because Josh called me and told me he'd been in an accident. Of course, my brain immediately tried to convince me that he was in fact terribly injured, probably with a concussion and was undoubtedly going to die and the last thing I said to him was super mean, despite the fact that we were on the phone, talking at that very moment, not to mention he hadn't hit his head. (Plus, you know, he was only going 15 miles an hour and the accident was purely because of the sleet turning into ice on the roads.)

But all of that is fairly normal for me really. The problem is that I REALLY WANTED THAT TEA, GODDAMNIT.

edited to add: I mean, I like to think I have a deal with the crazy. It's allowed to fuck up many things in my life, not that I want it to, but I can't stop it all of the time. Go ahead, separate me from my emotions, fuck up my relationships, panic attacks, out of control crying, whatever, I give up, it's better than it used to be so that's good enough. BUT MY TEA IS A STEP TOO FAR, CRAZY BRAIN.

I have been so calm this last month. Far from thinking it a good sign, it worries me, but vaguely. Everything seems so very far away, as though all my petty problems were millions of miles away, endless light-seconds from me, and any reaction lagged.

I feel as though I am standing in the dimly lit halls of an aquarium, watching the occasional fish dart through murky water. If the glass—the glass that holds back everything— broke, there would be a deluge. Perhaps I would drown, or be terribly injured. Perhaps I would not.

But at least I would no longer have to wait.