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my heart knows me better than i know myself
Thursday, November 1st, 2012 05:34 pmconvo with a friend that I'm using as a lead-in to this entry because it fits——sorry about all the IM logs, I TALK ON IM A LOT and I'm really lazy:
(9:16:12 PM) marissa: Hey, disappearing you. <3
(9:16:20 PM) Erika: heh, I was fixing my font!
(9:16:21 PM) marissa: Just checked LJ recently. :-/
(9:16:23 PM) Erika: i'm on josh's laptop
(9:16:27 PM) marissa: I meant GENERALLY DISAPPEARING
(9:16:31 PM) marissa: WHICH YOU ARE/WERE
(9:16:36 PM) Erika: OH RIGHT WELL IF YOU WANT TO BE ACCURATE AND SHIT
(9:17:02 PM) Erika: josh was like "yeah, you're not "depressed" as in you're having an episode, you're FEELING depressed because people have been criticizing you, including me, i really don't think you're having an episode right now"
[editor's note: this is my summary of a conversation that was over 20 minutes long on the phone, no worries, he was neither dismissive nor judgmental!]
(9:17:20 PM) Erika: and i was like "wah wah" and he was like "seriously if you want to stay home, i understand, but i don't think isolating yourself is going to make you feel any better"
It was ... weird. And true. And I recognized it as true, which was the most bizarre thing ever.
I first noticed it shortly after this particular mood bust-up triggered, after the big fight with my mom, after I'd turned off my phone and IM, when I was coccooning myself in my bed and crying, as is my wont——yet I had this sense almost all that time, like ... there was a detachment, but a compassionate, loving sense of "this will not be forever, it's okay to be sad."
It didn't start out quite that way; I was crying and thinking my usual/typical depressive-woe-is-me (described earlier as "wah wah" because seriously, at that point, you could pretty much just copy&paste any description I've done of this thought cycle over the last decade and it would be accurate, like, oh, my last entry)——and I thought, suddenly, "am I being flooded right now? Is this Persephone/Kore action going on?"
Yeah, that last sentence doesn't make any sense without a great deal more of explanation. So... I guess ( I'm going to talk about my current method of therapy! [cut because oh my god, this got really fucking long, like nearly 2k words long] )
(9:16:12 PM) marissa: Hey, disappearing you. <3
(9:16:20 PM) Erika: heh, I was fixing my font!
(9:16:21 PM) marissa: Just checked LJ recently. :-/
(9:16:23 PM) Erika: i'm on josh's laptop
(9:16:27 PM) marissa: I meant GENERALLY DISAPPEARING
(9:16:31 PM) marissa: WHICH YOU ARE/WERE
(9:16:36 PM) Erika: OH RIGHT WELL IF YOU WANT TO BE ACCURATE AND SHIT
(9:17:02 PM) Erika: josh was like "yeah, you're not "depressed" as in you're having an episode, you're FEELING depressed because people have been criticizing you, including me, i really don't think you're having an episode right now"
[editor's note: this is my summary of a conversation that was over 20 minutes long on the phone, no worries, he was neither dismissive nor judgmental!]
(9:17:20 PM) Erika: and i was like "wah wah" and he was like "seriously if you want to stay home, i understand, but i don't think isolating yourself is going to make you feel any better"
It was ... weird. And true. And I recognized it as true, which was the most bizarre thing ever.
I first noticed it shortly after this particular mood bust-up triggered, after the big fight with my mom, after I'd turned off my phone and IM, when I was coccooning myself in my bed and crying, as is my wont——yet I had this sense almost all that time, like ... there was a detachment, but a compassionate, loving sense of "this will not be forever, it's okay to be sad."
It didn't start out quite that way; I was crying and thinking my usual/typical depressive-woe-is-me (described earlier as "wah wah" because seriously, at that point, you could pretty much just copy&paste any description I've done of this thought cycle over the last decade and it would be accurate, like, oh, my last entry)——and I thought, suddenly, "am I being flooded right now? Is this Persephone/Kore action going on?"
Yeah, that last sentence doesn't make any sense without a great deal more of explanation. So... I guess ( I'm going to talk about my current method of therapy! [cut because oh my god, this got really fucking long, like nearly 2k words long] )
