I've been down across the road or two (the day is breaking, we're still here)

State of the erika, March 2013!

• Physical body:


• Still have guttate psoriasis. Still pronouncing psoriasis wrong. Itchy as fuck.


• Want a tattoo. Dunno if I'll actually get one. Money is always an issue.



• Mentalness:


• Spring and/or summer can't come fast enough. Whichever one is gonna lift my mood, because fuck, I've been trying to ignore the fact that I'm probably moderately clinically depressed and edging very carefully around a severe depression for the last two months, and I'm running out of ignore here.



• Leaving the house:
  
  • I don't wanna do it.
  
  
  • Still, I saw panda a few days ago, which was good and awesome and all that stuff. Even managed to return her slippers.
  
  
• Seeing a doctor I don't already know is now a trigger for me. (As usual, this only triggers me in person, although no one online has suggested I see a doctor yet, la la, so who knows.)
        Reason for realizing this: I had 3 panic attacks in a row and went into flashbacks when Josh casually suggested I see a doctor about the psoriasis still on my arms. Great.


• To combat this, I have done the following:
  
  1. called my psychiatrist and gotten a med increase of prazosin and clonazepam
  
  
  2. called the person who does funding for the county (they fund my social worker, forex, which Medicare doesn't cover) to see if i could get couples' counselling covered (answer: no)
  
  
  3. talked to my social worker about accompanying me to appointments with new doctors
  
  
  4. talked to an advocate for SA survivors to see if she
     
     • would be willing to be with me when I meet the doctor who heads the new 'GLBT' clinic who can possibly become my primary care physician or set me up with a new PCP
     
     
     • has any ideas on which suggestions I should implement for furthering my hospital complaint


• That was a lot of phone calls. Go me.

Josh!

• still wants to do couples' counselling. Thinks it would be good to do soon. I have no idea how to get this done. Well, that's not entirely true.
  
  • Gina (my social worker) suggested contacting Domestic Violence Interventions agency in town, who may be able to refer to low-price or free counsellors who work for them; I'm not worried about DV in this relationship (because I'd be gone like a shot if that were the case) but they are probably used to dealing with people who are traumatized in the past.
  
  
• He's not allowed in my parents' house (current residence) though because of a long story involving buying my dad's car and then having a very low speed 'wreck' into the ditch because of bad weather before it was transferred off my parents' insurance...
  
  But whatever, fuck it, because I don't give a shit anymore and neither should anyone else, considering my dad owes me a hell of a lot more money than that car is worth and I don't bitch at him about it.



• I hate it when I can't see him for longer than the few days we normally have. It tends to make me even less amenable to logic than usual.



• Otherwise, relationship is good in general.
  
  • Physicality continues to be amazing.
  
  
  • Communication slowly getting better, though not easily.
  
  
  • He understands me so well it constantly amazes me; he really pays attention to what I want and need and respects my boundaries.
  
  
  • He doesn't expect me to be anyone other than what I am and vehemently rejects the idea that I should change in any way "for" him.
  
  
  • Conflicts seem to be settled quickly, when I can actually bring myself to talk about them (see communication stuff above).
  
  
  • His flaws are stuff I can pretty easily live with, and I feel confident that the things which greatly bother me can be planned around and dealt with. He's on board with that stuff too, which is SO important.

Dreamwidth:

• I want to be around a lot more. Journalling is really important to me and I feel like I've dropped the ball on that recently.
  
• That having been said, expect more comments from me! I ♥ you all.

I keep trying to think of other things that have happened to update y'all on, but that's the problem with not updating... it tends to become a vicious cycle and I forget the important stuff I meant to mention. LE SIGH.