i've got to get this feeling off my chest (the doctor says all i need's pills and rest)

Fear.

Here I sit, and I am terrified. To do what I want, I have to leave my fears behind. But my fears have kept me safe. (Have they?) I haven't had safety. (I found some in myself.) Safety may come in risk. Risks are scary.

I am terrified. I do not choose that word lightly; the weight of my fears is nearly incapacitating. It drains my throat, and I find myself ducking all eye contact, as if a glimpse into my soul would reveal the emptiness swirling around a chain of logic so inescapable—so devilish—that even though I know it's wrong I can't help but feel it's right.

(I don't think it's I'm really empty. I think that's something my fears tell me will manifest. It feels real. I think it's wrong, but it feels real.)

( Here, have a thousand words to make up for me not posting in the last month. Covers the state of affairs around here & my trip to SF [yay again!] on Weds. )