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therapy Yesterday. We walk there. Teyla and I both leave the house/neighborhood on Wednesdays, and then I don't have to leave again until next Wednesday if I don't want to. Usually I don't.
Quarantine and being sick has reactivated my agoraphobia big time. I sense so deeply that I need to be left alone?? It's probably not healthy I admit. Right now I'm so thin-skinned giving an awkward compliment makes me feel like—my default is to say god, you screw-up—hey, so just stop existing, stage right!
My therapist called me special, said I don't say this to everyone. I really believe you've got so many gifts. I told him I want to believe it, I just—don't. I stay adrift in a sea of "perpetual uncertainty, discontent and torture."
He said of course it's not logical, you were conditioned to insecurity your whole life.
... what the fuck I'd never thought about it like that. I mean yes, learned helplessness, but I'd never thought of it as insecurity on demand.
I know like—zooming out, the reason I got treated like that was all about control, and the inability of my emotionally immature system of care to treat difference with respect and sensitivity instead of criticism, alienation and harassment. I know they had to shut me up and I've known it all along, but that doesn't change the "conditioned uncertainty" of every layer I revealed.
Doc says the keys to recovery are "Repetition. Determination." Yesterday, listening to me rant, he thoughtfully added "Patience."
Quarantine and being sick has reactivated my agoraphobia big time. I sense so deeply that I need to be left alone?? It's probably not healthy I admit. Right now I'm so thin-skinned giving an awkward compliment makes me feel like—my default is to say god, you screw-up—hey, so just stop existing, stage right!
My therapist called me special, said I don't say this to everyone. I really believe you've got so many gifts. I told him I want to believe it, I just—don't. I stay adrift in a sea of "perpetual uncertainty, discontent and torture."
He said of course it's not logical, you were conditioned to insecurity your whole life.
... what the fuck I'd never thought about it like that. I mean yes, learned helplessness, but I'd never thought of it as insecurity on demand.
I know like—zooming out, the reason I got treated like that was all about control, and the inability of my emotionally immature system of care to treat difference with respect and sensitivity instead of criticism, alienation and harassment. I know they had to shut me up and I've known it all along, but that doesn't change the "conditioned uncertainty" of every layer I revealed.
Doc says the keys to recovery are "Repetition. Determination." Yesterday, listening to me rant, he thoughtfully added "Patience."
