howling (how long?)
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002 04:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaI couldn't sleep last night, and when I fell, I dreamt of rivers to drown in. And my body is whole still, but I feel shattered. I just want to bleed and bleed and bleed. And they laugh at my tears, and I leave again.
Because, god, it calls to me. And I can't ignore the lure of cutting any longer, that after I've done it, this pain will go away. I won't have to concentrate on my family, or my school, or my future, or my unfixable fucked-up-ness. The way my favorite teacher ignored me because he didn't know what to say, the way my brother steels himself to stay icy calm and yet the muscles in his arm jump and I flinch and lose my train of thought. The homework I'm supposed to do, somewhere in this disorganized chaos, dirty dishes, rotting wood, dying cat with unemptied litterbox of a house -- but you must have that homework neatly done in black ink and white paper, because grades are important and I've fucked mine up so bad that it's not even worth trying anymore, but every year again I think maybe this year, but this is the last and there are no more chances here for me. The way I keep pushing at the people who are most important to me, how I keep fucking relapsing like I can never be truly happy without giving in and begging to go to the doctor, pleading for therapy that I'll never get, because other people need it more and we just don't have the money, we can't ask for help because that's just a crutch, Erika, and you're just melodramatic, it runs in our family, everything runs in our family. Try exercise. Try meditation. Try anything except something which would actually require my parents to pay attention to me and realize something's wrong.
(And I curl up and whisper that I'm sorry, but I can't help myself, please, please stay, I cry, and they all go. And I don't blame them. I'd leave me if I could too. But I can't, anymore, I just don't have the strength. Or is it weakness, like I think it's supposed to be seen as -- weakness to give in. It would feel strong, I think. And I scare myself because there's so much I want, but I tell myself I'll never have it, I don't deserve it, I can't get it. Especially you. And then what's the point in trying?)
The scissors scrape and cut cleanly, perfect straight lines of blood rising to the surface, and I feel whole again.
That's what we like to call irony.
Edited:
I didn't cut. I just needed to think about it.
Because, god, it calls to me. And I can't ignore the lure of cutting any longer, that after I've done it, this pain will go away. I won't have to concentrate on my family, or my school, or my future, or my unfixable fucked-up-ness. The way my favorite teacher ignored me because he didn't know what to say, the way my brother steels himself to stay icy calm and yet the muscles in his arm jump and I flinch and lose my train of thought. The homework I'm supposed to do, somewhere in this disorganized chaos, dirty dishes, rotting wood, dying cat with unemptied litterbox of a house -- but you must have that homework neatly done in black ink and white paper, because grades are important and I've fucked mine up so bad that it's not even worth trying anymore, but every year again I think maybe this year, but this is the last and there are no more chances here for me. The way I keep pushing at the people who are most important to me, how I keep fucking relapsing like I can never be truly happy without giving in and begging to go to the doctor, pleading for therapy that I'll never get, because other people need it more and we just don't have the money, we can't ask for help because that's just a crutch, Erika, and you're just melodramatic, it runs in our family, everything runs in our family. Try exercise. Try meditation. Try anything except something which would actually require my parents to pay attention to me and realize something's wrong.
(And I curl up and whisper that I'm sorry, but I can't help myself, please, please stay, I cry, and they all go. And I don't blame them. I'd leave me if I could too. But I can't, anymore, I just don't have the strength. Or is it weakness, like I think it's supposed to be seen as -- weakness to give in. It would feel strong, I think. And I scare myself because there's so much I want, but I tell myself I'll never have it, I don't deserve it, I can't get it. Especially you. And then what's the point in trying?)
The scissors scrape and cut cleanly, perfect straight lines of blood rising to the surface, and I feel whole again.
That's what we like to call irony.
Edited:
I didn't cut. I just needed to think about it.
