there's a crack, a crack in everything: that's how the light gets in.

[erika]

Warning: May be triggering. Possibly NSFW. I'm not cutting this for the same reason I am posting it publicly: there's someone out there who needs to see this, and they don't even know it yet.

What no one ever tells you about depression
I will tell you, because I love you.
Whoever you are.
As related to a friend.

You're making a choice.

When the going gets tough, you give up. Maybe not for anyone else. You'd walk through fire for me, or for your family, or for your friends (probably). But you won't lift a goddamn finger to help yourself.

to what end? what does it really matter if i stick with it? stick with what, anyway? i don't even have anything to work towards.

So find something to work towards. You think god magically fucking appeared to me and said "you want to be a psychiatric nurse!"? Fucking magically appeared and said "you now _want_ to cure your depression!"? Waved a goddamn magic wand and gave me peace of mind?

No. I was just fucking tired of feeling like shit all the goddamn time. And guess what!? TURNS OUT IF YOU TREAT YOURSELF LIKE SHIT, YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT.

But everything I try fails.

So you pick yourself up and try again. You'd do it for a friend. You'd probably do it for a fucking stranger. Why won't you do it for yourself? Why aren't you worthy of the same consideration you give to everyone around you?

BECAUSE I AM NOT WORTH IT.

WHO SAYS YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT?
YOU DO.

WHO HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE THAT?
YOU, AND ONLY YOU, DO.

So _that's_ the choice you're making: the choice to willfully, actively continue to feel like shit. Whether it's because you think you deserve it or some other bullshit reason, it's bullshit and you KNOW it, which is why you have momentary flashes of hope.

You KNOW there are things you can do that make you feel better. You have just chosen not to do them or to let things get in your way because you don't want it enough. You want to feel like shit more than you want to be healthy.

That's the only conclusion I can come to.

And I was fucking there. I lived there. I breathed in the shittiest sewage day in and day out. I tried to kill myself five times—_that I can remember_. There may be more I don't even remember because it all blended together. I fucking let someone rape me because I really, honestly didn't give a fuck who did what to my body. If you want to play "who hates/hated themselves more," I have a pretty good case for winning.

But you want to know the difference between you and me?

I said THIS FUCKING SUCKS AND I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And I fucking meant it.

So either you want something different or you want to die the same way you lived. Doing anything anyone else needs but never lifting a finger to help the most important person in your life: yourself.

So what. What now?

Now you choose to make the choice.

Are you going to continue the same way you are? Because I will still love you and care about you if that's the case. And so will your family. And so will your friends.

But you will live your entire life with an empty gaping hole inside you that nothing can really fill.

Or... you can choose to want to feel better. To want to love yourself. Even if you don't love yourself right now, you can choose to _act_ like you do.

You can choose to get therapy, you can choose to go on medication, you can choose to exercise and eat right and take care of your body and mind, to get rid of toxicity in your life. Even if you don't really want to do any of those things, even if you don't think they can help, what are you losing by trying?

By trying again? By trying for the fiftieth time, the hundredth time? The only thing you have to lose is your depression.

Most importantly you can choose to live your life AS IF you love yourself, even if you don't actually love yourself.

Slowly, you may come to the conclusion that hey, maybe you're not the scum of the universe.

And slowly, even more slowly than that, you may come to the conclusion, as I have, that there are, in fact, worthwhile qualities that you possess.

And eventually, even though it seems like it's impossible, like it's never going to happen, that gaping hole inside of you will heal, and you will care for, love, and cherish yourself like you are the most important person in your life.

Because YOU ARE.

i'll never love myself. i can do a lot, but not that.

You never will if you never think you _might_.

then i never will.

Then you're making the choice to stay depressed. I'm not saying it's going to fucking happen tomorrow. I'm saying, be open to the possibility that someday you might give yourself the same consideration you give a loved one. Maybe. Just maybe. That's all I ask.

fine. i don't see the purpose of all this, but fine.

The purpose is to not feel like shit anymore, honey.

Believe it or not, it is possible. But, in a sad twist of irony, it's only possible _if_ you believe it is, and start fucking acting like it is a possibility.

Make that choice.

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Comments

[erika]

No, I wrote this. And I'm not saying that if you're depressed, it's because you choose to be—I'm saying that if you're depressed, you have a choice to make regarding whether you want to continue being depressed, or whether you want to get help and choose to treat yourself like someone who's worthy of getting help—to love yourself, in other words, enough to get help.

There's a subtle but very important difference there. And that's probably why I'm so long and rambly.

[actionreplay.livejournal.com]

ah ok that's far more reasonable! Yes, treat yourself nicely. You're worth it, far more than Loreal say.

[erika]

Right. And it's definitely not an easy choice to make, by any means, because depression takes away your ability to even see that there IS a choice, if that makes sense.