What's a voice without a song?
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010 11:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaFirstly: Hi, it's nice to meet you! I'm Erika. Thus the incredibly inventive username. (On LJ, I'm ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saveyoursanity, but the links in this entry point to DW. We apologize for the inconvenience.)
I take pride in being a Buddhist; left of left politically; abuse & sexual assault survivor; generally fine with my body and confident in my sexuality; a lover, not a fighter; living life to the fullest despite, in spite, and because of chronic mental illness.
Feminist; Latina; fan; geek; chronically frustrated writer; pedantic grammatician & absurdly good speller, even when drunk; Slytherin or possibly Ravenclaw; represented by the Empress [outside link] in all my tarot readings; enthralled by music; and too passionate for my own good.
As it turns out, I have aphantasia, but nobody had named it when I figured it out.
If you'd like to know what you're getting into, some people say
But I worry it's more like this:
I'm 30 years old (subject to change); I grew up in Iowa City, IA with my parents and 3 siblings, but I strongly prefer living on the West Coast.
I had two beagles. Ronon passed away in September of 2016, (male, rescue, adopted in Sept of 2006 at somewhere between 3 and 7 years old). Teyla (female, adopted as a puppy in April of 2006) is still cute and snuggs.
I have suffered from from severe episodes of depression (CN: category linked contains entries written about suicide and while suicidal). I also have also been diagnosed dysthymia, 'cluster B traits', and anxiety disorder NOS. I believe I'm autistic and have CPTSD.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16, and hospitalized repeatedly for suicidal ideation when I was 19/20. I started therapy at a great clinic a few months later and they really helped me turn me around, with the help of my social worker. I also did a course of outpatient hospitalization when I was 22.
I write about my mental illness a lot. I have also taken quite a bit of medication for it. There have been multiple times in my life when I was not engaged in any form of education or occupation, and I struggled with agoraphobia. Due to the issues mentioned above, I haven't been able to work full time since 2007. I was officially declared disabled by Social Security in October of 2010 (back to my filing date of sometime late in '08.)
I became a peer recovery specialist in 2014 and went back to work part time. My life has dramatically changed since, and I'm much happier putting the work efforts I can make into a cause that resonates with me personally.
I'm kinda pro-meds, they've really changed my life, but I recognize that they don't work for everyone, andsometimes most half the time they don't work for me either.
I am very pro-therapy, but I had some bad ones, so I know not every therapist will work for every person.
Other entries you may want to read to get to know me: my mind is an interesting place, judge me by my music.
Tags you may wish to peruse: best of, dramariffic if you want the dirt, sex if you're prurient (most friends-locked OR FILTERED, see next section), notable quotables if you want to laugh.
That having been said, THE RULESSSSSSS:
With regards to this journal, there are very few hard and fast rules that you as a commenter must follow. I reserve the right to screen/delete your comments at will. All IP addresses are logged unless I specifically declare otherwise.
I welcome all "WTF are you doing?! X is wrong and here's why" comments and "Yay, you are super awesome for doing X" comments equally. If you post the former, be warned you can probably expect some of my friends or myself to argue with you. I will neither chastise them nor you for arguing in my journal.
However, in the event that any comment activity becomes deleterious to my mental health, I will most likely freeze the comments and notify any participants.
When giving me advice, note my modus operandi: haters gotta hate, players gotta play, and Erika's going to do whatever the fuck she feels like, great advice to the contrary.
If you feel that I am being prejudicial against any group and would like me to reconsider my stance, please direct your comments regarding that entry to me via PM or email. (erika at dreamwidth dot org will always reach me.) I tend to become very upset (who wouldn't?) when I am unilaterally deemed [something]-ist in "public", as it were. I will freeze the thread and direct you to PM me if you bring white-knight-crusading for better recognition of [something] into an entry. If your intentions are more pure than that, it might stay, but again, I would strongly prefer PM or email.
Moving on, most of what I post here is public, including my issues with depression. My friends-locked entries tend to be about sex, or things that I would prefer not be spread around, such as abuse, monetary issues, or anything else that doesn't need to be read by any random passer-by.
The likelihood that I will friend you back increases if the following are true: a) you can punctuate and write legibly in English/Spanish, b) you are intelligent and non-shallow as exhibited in your posts, and c) you write material that is original and interesting on a regular basis.
If you're curious as to why I've friended you, especially if I did so randomly (which I tend to do), here's a good list of reasons (friends locked on LJ, same post on DW, also friends-locked). That post also includes reasons as to why I might drop you later.
I tend to comment a LOT, but sporadically, fair warning. Posting frequency also varies wildly.
First off, please fill out this poll (DW only) if you feel that you have triggers I should be aware of before posting. Thank you! (I have poll notifications set to on, so I will see it no matter when you fill it out.)
If you would like to be added to my sex filter (explicit), please comment on this entry. Comments are screened, and just so you're aware, it's not so much a question of "me knowing people well enough" as not wanting to potentially accidentally give way more information than a random person who's subscribed to me would want, if that makes sense. I'm pretty open about sex, but I also totally recognize that some people are definitely Not Okay with it, and I don't want to upset/trigger or get someone into trouble if they're browsing from work.
Once you have been added to that filter, I will probably try to remind you to read this general disclaimer about sex entries. Better safe than sorry!
Oh, and if you want to know about my personal triggers, squicks and phobias, I can do that.
Quick Cast:
Family: Dad, and Mom, my parents. You've heard of helicopter parenting, right? My parents were more like paratroopers: available in an emergency but with only one way of dealing with the situation. Javier (younger brother <3<3<3<3<3x100) is off at college right now near the capital city of Midwestern state where I grew up. Adara (younger sister, love her to pieces) has her own apartment in the same area.
Family at birth: though I sometimes referred to him as Voldemort, his original relationship to me is my older brother, Derek, and you can occasionally find him in my entries referred to either way. Sibling abuse is real, and in this case, probably because of my parents' neglect and emotional abuse. I'm still working on forgiveness. I cut him off for a few years, but I am tentatively trying to rebuild a relationship as we get older and leave our childhood behind. He lives in one of the Carolinas and occasionally visits.
Friends I know IRL: Lydia! (panda, sometimes called Bones, after AOS-type-Dr McCoy) lives nearby so sometimes I actually do things with her outside my house. Gasp, shock.
Claudia is a good friend who I've known since high school.
Chance is a close friend and also an former partner.
Other people who I feel very lucky to call my friends who I met online (this is by no means an exhaustive list): Nick (my surrogate older brother,deadhero), Mike (alchemi), Leigh (gamesiplay), Adrienne (soshesays), merope3, Helena (inne), Erin (whose lj I won't link to unless she says it's ok), Sara Astruc, Javina, and last but not least Xtina (nonethefewer, the_xtina).
Longtime friends who may be mentioned include: Alena is a more of an acquaintance now but was my best friend in high school. Alex is Alena's husband and is a friend of mine in his own right. Anne is also a former friend (silent_lorelei).
Josh is my ex-boyfriend; he has no journal. Assaulted me in March of 2015.
Major events in my life (mm/yy):
11/1985: Born!
1991: Begin experiencing symptoms of depression.
2002: Started writing on Livejournal. Had kept a journal on my own site since 1998. Entries before 2008 were all privatized at one point; I'm slowly going through and tagging them and releasing them into the wild.
2003: Diagnosed with depression at 16.
02/04: Childhood home burnt down while I was still living there.
03/04 moved to California, where multiple factors led me to attempt suicide multiple times. I was hospitalized twice, involuntarily, over the course of the time I lived there.
05/05 Moved back to the Midwest, hospitalized again, started getting treatment.
07/06 Got the job at gov't contractor.
11/06 Moved in with Chance.
06/07 Left my job at gov't contractor on disability. I become agoraphobic.
Sometime in here: Applied for Social Security disability.
08/08 Moved back in with my parents, broke up with Chance.
06/09 I get a social worker who comes to my house every week and takes me out places and encourages me to do stuff.
10/09 I start volunteering in general; eventually volunteer with kids & sexual assault survivors/victims.
01/10 I start back at school for a nursing degree.
10/10: Second arrest.
2013: Gallbladder surgery. Sleep apnea surgery (U3P + bonus tonsillectomy.)
06/2014: Start work as Peer Recovery Specialist; adulting skills approach Intermediate status. Start practicing polyamory.
08/2014: Met Travis (captain_chrome).
02/15: Douchebag of a live-in partner assaults me; I report him to the police; move out.
2016: Move to California.
2017: Travis joins me in California.
Make your own LiveJournal Trading Card!
Brought to you bycrossfire_
saveyoursanity, but the links in this entry point to DW. We apologize for the inconvenience.)I take pride in being a Buddhist; left of left politically; abuse & sexual assault survivor; generally fine with my body and confident in my sexuality; a lover, not a fighter; living life to the fullest despite, in spite, and because of chronic mental illness.
Feminist; Latina; fan; geek; chronically frustrated writer; pedantic grammatician & absurdly good speller, even when drunk; Slytherin or possibly Ravenclaw; represented by the Empress [outside link] in all my tarot readings; enthralled by music; and too passionate for my own good.
As it turns out, I have aphantasia, but nobody had named it when I figured it out.
If you'd like to know what you're getting into, some people say
But I worry it's more like this:
I'm 30 years old (subject to change); I grew up in Iowa City, IA with my parents and 3 siblings, but I strongly prefer living on the West Coast.
I had two beagles. Ronon passed away in September of 2016, (male, rescue, adopted in Sept of 2006 at somewhere between 3 and 7 years old). Teyla (female, adopted as a puppy in April of 2006) is still cute and snuggs.
I have suffered from from severe episodes of depression (CN: category linked contains entries written about suicide and while suicidal). I also have also been diagnosed dysthymia, 'cluster B traits', and anxiety disorder NOS. I believe I'm autistic and have CPTSD.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16, and hospitalized repeatedly for suicidal ideation when I was 19/20. I started therapy at a great clinic a few months later and they really helped me turn me around, with the help of my social worker. I also did a course of outpatient hospitalization when I was 22.
I write about my mental illness a lot. I have also taken quite a bit of medication for it. There have been multiple times in my life when I was not engaged in any form of education or occupation, and I struggled with agoraphobia. Due to the issues mentioned above, I haven't been able to work full time since 2007. I was officially declared disabled by Social Security in October of 2010 (back to my filing date of sometime late in '08.)
I became a peer recovery specialist in 2014 and went back to work part time. My life has dramatically changed since, and I'm much happier putting the work efforts I can make into a cause that resonates with me personally.
I'm kinda pro-meds, they've really changed my life, but I recognize that they don't work for everyone, and
I am very pro-therapy, but I had some bad ones, so I know not every therapist will work for every person.
Other entries you may want to read to get to know me: my mind is an interesting place, judge me by my music.
Tags you may wish to peruse: best of, dramariffic if you want the dirt, sex if you're prurient (most friends-locked OR FILTERED, see next section), notable quotables if you want to laugh.
That having been said, THE RULESSSSSSS:
With regards to this journal, there are very few hard and fast rules that you as a commenter must follow. I reserve the right to screen/delete your comments at will. All IP addresses are logged unless I specifically declare otherwise.
I welcome all "WTF are you doing?! X is wrong and here's why" comments and "Yay, you are super awesome for doing X" comments equally. If you post the former, be warned you can probably expect some of my friends or myself to argue with you. I will neither chastise them nor you for arguing in my journal.
However, in the event that any comment activity becomes deleterious to my mental health, I will most likely freeze the comments and notify any participants.
When giving me advice, note my modus operandi: haters gotta hate, players gotta play, and Erika's going to do whatever the fuck she feels like, great advice to the contrary.
If you feel that I am being prejudicial against any group and would like me to reconsider my stance, please direct your comments regarding that entry to me via PM or email. (erika at dreamwidth dot org will always reach me.) I tend to become very upset (who wouldn't?) when I am unilaterally deemed [something]-ist in "public", as it were. I will freeze the thread and direct you to PM me if you bring white-knight-crusading for better recognition of [something] into an entry. If your intentions are more pure than that, it might stay, but again, I would strongly prefer PM or email.
Moving on, most of what I post here is public, including my issues with depression. My friends-locked entries tend to be about sex, or things that I would prefer not be spread around, such as abuse, monetary issues, or anything else that doesn't need to be read by any random passer-by.
The likelihood that I will friend you back increases if the following are true: a) you can punctuate and write legibly in English/Spanish, b) you are intelligent and non-shallow as exhibited in your posts, and c) you write material that is original and interesting on a regular basis.
If you're curious as to why I've friended you, especially if I did so randomly (which I tend to do), here's a good list of reasons (friends locked on LJ, same post on DW, also friends-locked). That post also includes reasons as to why I might drop you later.
I tend to comment a LOT, but sporadically, fair warning. Posting frequency also varies wildly.
First off, please fill out this poll (DW only) if you feel that you have triggers I should be aware of before posting. Thank you! (I have poll notifications set to on, so I will see it no matter when you fill it out.)
If you would like to be added to my sex filter (explicit), please comment on this entry. Comments are screened, and just so you're aware, it's not so much a question of "me knowing people well enough" as not wanting to potentially accidentally give way more information than a random person who's subscribed to me would want, if that makes sense. I'm pretty open about sex, but I also totally recognize that some people are definitely Not Okay with it, and I don't want to upset/trigger or get someone into trouble if they're browsing from work.
Once you have been added to that filter, I will probably try to remind you to read this general disclaimer about sex entries. Better safe than sorry!
Oh, and if you want to know about my personal triggers, squicks and phobias, I can do that.
Quick Cast:
Family: Dad, and Mom, my parents. You've heard of helicopter parenting, right? My parents were more like paratroopers: available in an emergency but with only one way of dealing with the situation. Javier (younger brother <3<3<3<3<3x100) is off at college right now near the capital city of Midwestern state where I grew up. Adara (younger sister, love her to pieces) has her own apartment in the same area.
Family at birth: though I sometimes referred to him as Voldemort, his original relationship to me is my older brother, Derek, and you can occasionally find him in my entries referred to either way. Sibling abuse is real, and in this case, probably because of my parents' neglect and emotional abuse. I'm still working on forgiveness. I cut him off for a few years, but I am tentatively trying to rebuild a relationship as we get older and leave our childhood behind. He lives in one of the Carolinas and occasionally visits.
Friends I know IRL: Lydia! (
panda, sometimes called Bones, after AOS-type-Dr McCoy) lives nearby so sometimes I actually do things with her outside my house. Gasp, shock.Claudia is a good friend who I've known since high school.
Chance is a close friend and also an former partner.
Other people who I feel very lucky to call my friends who I met online (this is by no means an exhaustive list): Nick (my surrogate older brother,
deadhero), Mike (alchemi), Leigh (gamesiplay), Adrienne (soshesays), merope3, Helena (inne), Erin (whose lj I won't link to unless she says it's ok), Sara Astruc, Javina, and last but not least Xtina (nonethefewer, the_xtina).Longtime friends who may be mentioned include: Alena is a more of an acquaintance now but was my best friend in high school. Alex is Alena's husband and is a friend of mine in his own right. Anne is also a former friend (
silent_lorelei). Josh is my ex-boyfriend; he has no journal. Assaulted me in March of 2015.
Major events in my life (mm/yy):
11/1985: Born!
1991: Begin experiencing symptoms of depression.
2002: Started writing on Livejournal. Had kept a journal on my own site since 1998. Entries before 2008 were all privatized at one point; I'm slowly going through and tagging them and releasing them into the wild.
2003: Diagnosed with depression at 16.
02/04: Childhood home burnt down while I was still living there.
03/04 moved to California, where multiple factors led me to attempt suicide multiple times. I was hospitalized twice, involuntarily, over the course of the time I lived there.
05/05 Moved back to the Midwest, hospitalized again, started getting treatment.
07/06 Got the job at gov't contractor.
11/06 Moved in with Chance.
06/07 Left my job at gov't contractor on disability. I become agoraphobic.
Sometime in here: Applied for Social Security disability.
08/08 Moved back in with my parents, broke up with Chance.
06/09 I get a social worker who comes to my house every week and takes me out places and encourages me to do stuff.
10/09 I start volunteering in general; eventually volunteer with kids & sexual assault survivors/victims.
01/10 I start back at school for a nursing degree.
10/10: Second arrest.
2013: Gallbladder surgery. Sleep apnea surgery (U3P + bonus tonsillectomy.)
06/2014: Start work as Peer Recovery Specialist; adulting skills approach Intermediate status. Start practicing polyamory.
08/2014: Met Travis (
captain_chrome).02/15: Douchebag of a live-in partner assaults me; I report him to the police; move out.
2016: Move to California.
2017: Travis joins me in California.
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crossfire_Update history for this post:
3/21/2020: update timeline, links to some tags, etc.
11/10/2015: Took out Josh in timeline, updated entry in cast;
updated Voldemort section to reflect less anger;
updated age; fixed link to lolcat.
3/21/2020: update timeline, links to some tags, etc.
11/10/2015: Took out Josh in timeline, updated entry in cast;
updated Voldemort section to reflect less anger;
updated age; fixed link to lolcat.
no subject
on Sunday, May 15th, 2011 10:55 am (UTC)I just noticed you added me to your circle - thanks! I've subscribed back. If we hit it off eventually I'll grant you access as well. I like making new i-friends.
Also, your introductory post is awesome. Very informative and clear.
no subject
on Monday, May 16th, 2011 11:38 pm (UTC)no subject
on Sunday, May 26th, 2013 07:48 pm (UTC)I would normally be all eloquent and big words and funny writing like LOLCATS but I've spent the last week in bed with the plague and my brain matter has begun to drip out of my ears.
I'm crazy, too. (That's the word I use, but I won't use that word with you cuz that can be a derogatory thing for some of us.) Type 1 Bipolar - left to my own devices, I run to the manic side and it shreds everything in my life. The depressions in the winter are pretty awful. My tag "Dealing with the Crazy" is I think the biggest one, with medication maladies always close to that.
You said you wait for summer to fix you? That is the time I am most alive. Most healthy. Sun. Warm. Green. That's the better time for me.
Survivor in all the three big highlights of childdhood abuse. (Sex, drugs, rock n roll? No, those would be more fun.)
And I wouldn't mind being able to see your sex entries. My exhusband and I were pretty active in our local kink community.
So yes, I like you. You write well. You write funny and poignantly and with candor. I like that.
no subject
on Wednesday, June 5th, 2013 09:40 am (UTC)I guess I didn't really clarify before: I didn't get the trifecta (*snorts* at 'sex, drugs, rock and roll would've been more fun'), more the type that was entirely written off as sibling rivalry: i.e. physical and emotional abuse. I hope that's okay—I know some people who have had abuse prefer to associate with others who know from a lived-experience standpoint what they are going through, and for others it isn't so much important what type. I'm the latter kind, although I do think abuse has very different effects depending on when the abuse happens, what kind of power you had to deal with it at the time, that kind of thing, but I don't think anyone disagrees with me on that. I just like listening to myself talk. :P
Crazy is a good word for me; I like it, I don't hide from it. (I'm also fat, if you're wondering whether that's okay to use too.) I help moderate a board called CrazyBoards, if I had a problem with reclaiming the word it would've been lost a long time ago. :)
Most of my mental health stuff can be found under the subheading "mh" or "mental health", I had to abbreviate it because of tags like "at night, the ice weasels come".
Here is the general disclaimer about the sex filter! I ask everyone read it because I don't want to share stuff that people might be uncomfortable with and I want to be more clear what kind of things are on the filter. Right now, there's only
onetwo entries there regarding my current relationship, but the first one's a doozy. (the second one ain't half bad either)Welcome!
no subject
on Thursday, August 1st, 2013 02:12 am (UTC)I'm in my mid 30's, I am a caretaker for my father who is disabled and I am currently trying to go back to school. I'm also having health concerns related mostly to my heart, but that affects my depression and anxiety as well. *shrug* I usually post things under a cut or add a TW to possibly triggery posts and such.
I haven't been posting much in my own journal, but I do read a lot.
I also live in Iowa, too. :)
no subject
on Tuesday, April 30th, 2019 07:46 pm (UTC)