except everything you had and what was left after that too

[erika]

I don't feel like I've made any progress. I look at where I was 2 years ago—not leaving the house, not talking to anyone outside my therapist and my psychiatrist— or hell, where I was even a year ago—taking one single solitary class and being petrified that I was going to fail at that. Where I'd been for my entire life—grasping at relationships with both hands like I'd drown if I didn't have a partner.

And now I'm in classes full time and I feel fairly confident I can handle them. I'm happily single and feeling pretty good about that. My room is 100x more organized than it's ever been. I'm doing more than I ever have, with the exception of a few months in high school nearly a decade ago, and I'm certainly sustaining my energy levels for longer. I'm working on getting in touch with my body again, and doing yoga semi-regularly. I own a car now. I've even made arrangements to pick up my favorite instrument again, the bassoon.

But I don't feel any fucking different. I don't feel any better. I still feel like my entire life is a house of cards set up on the beach, and at any moment, the tide of depression is going to come back and sweep it all away.

Comments

[rydra_wong]

I still feel like my entire life is a house of cards set up on the beach, and at any moment, the tide of depression is going to come back and sweep it all away.

*sighs* Yeah. That.