Mental Illness FONSFAQ: Living with Someone with MI / Supporting Friends with Mental Illness

[erika]

This post was written for the Mental Illness FONSFAQ,
and brought to you by the letter Π and the number i.

Common Myths and Misconceptions About Mental Illness

First off, go ahead and read this Psych Central article on mental illness myths. I'll wait.

Done? Okay, given everything in that article is true (and I certainly agree with all of it), I'm now going to address some different myths.

People with mental illness are just lazy. Why don't they snap out of it?

While it may look like laziness from the outside, inwardly the person with MI is struggling to do the best that they can.

Changes in brain function & neurochemicals (no one can argue that this happens in every mental illness) can't just be snapped out of, they have to be treated in some way, shape, or form.

That treatment can take the form of meditation, which changes the brain, medication, which (obviously) changes the brain, therapy, which in at least one form aims to change the thinking patterns of that person and therefore their brain, electroconvulsive therapy, which "resets" the brain, or many other alternatives. . . But do you see what I'm saying? Concrete changes need to happen in that person's brain for them to get over their illness, not just using their own willpower to "will" themselves out of being sick.

Psychiatric disorders are not "true" illnesses.

1st off, does it really matter? People are suffering and they can be helped with treatment. If it matters more to you to be right than to help others, you may want to re-examine your priority structure.

Secondly, many (if not most) psychiatric disorders have been shown to have genetic components. Epigenetics is a new growing field of research showing how our genetic expression is actually affected by our environment, especially stress levels.

Thirdly, how do you define illness? The answer may surprise you, especially when you consider whether mental illnesses fall under that definition.

People with mental illness are violent.

That's ridiculous. In fact, people with mental illness are more likely to be VICTIMS of violent crime than the general population, not more likely to commit them.

I can't do anything for someone with a mental illness. They need trained professionals.

In general, yes, the person with mental illness does need trained professionals to help them recover or manage their illness. But they also need friends, loved ones, support, significant others—in short, they are people too, and they need everything non-MI people need.

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Common Threads among Advice Given Online

There are many sites online dealing with how to live with someone with mental illness and how to support someone with mental illness. These are the common threads I found as I was researching them.

• Get help as early as you can.

I'm sure there's tons of research out there showing that early intervention increases success, but here's one scary fact: the longer you wait, the worse it tends to get. Mental illness doesn't give up and go away, disgruntedly loping off like a defeated challenger. In fact, you can't fight it off like a cold, at least not without the right tools, and the likelihood that any given random person (without proper training) has the right tools is low.


• Educate yourself.

This should go without saying, but I'm saying it anyway: if you know you have prejudices against mental illness, if all you've ever seen of OCD is on Glee, or all you know about schizophrenia is because you watched A Beautiful Mind . . . seriously. SERIOUSLY. You need to learn more. There are tons of good books out there—you could even visit a therapist or a psychiatrist yourself to hear about it directly. Or go to a support group meeting!


• Take care of yourself as a FIRST priority.

Listen to the airline's message and put your own oxygen mask on first. This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give, because it gets ignored so often.

This doesn't just apply to one specific situation—it means every day, you get up and the first question you ask yourself should NOT be: what does the person with MI need, but rather what do I need? After you've fulfilled your needs, you'll find yourself a happier, healthier person who's willing and able to help others.

Resentment means that something you need is being overlooked. Find out what that is.


• Listen to the person with mental illness.

Listen. Actively and supportively, as much as you can. Avoid platitudes like the plague. (But obviously not clichés. How would we get along without those?)


• Encourage a routine.

Daily walks, cooking dinner together, watching a TV show together while you eat, card night every Thursday, etc.

Also encourage the person with MI to have their own routine. Even if they're not working, generally being awake when the rest of the world is is a good idea. So is showering. (!!!) Helping with chores. If they don't think they can do anything around the house, I have an entire community full of people who say they can. (bitesizedcleaning)


• Break everything down.

When my depression and anxiety were worse, I used to be unable to do something as simple as unloading the dishwasher. It helped when I was able to say, open the dishwasher, okay, now take one dish, figure out where it goes, and then put it there. And if this sounds exhausting, it is. So . . .


• Be understanding of your loved one's limits, but encouraging.

Encourage them to test their limits, because how else will they know if things have changed? But don't encourage them to exceed them, or guilt trip them into doing something for you that you know will trigger them. And remember...


• At the end of the day, it's THEIR choice about how to live their life.

You can't fix them. Nor should they expect you to.

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The Most Important Question

What do I do if the person with mental illness has given up?

This is so, so heartbreakingly common. You're not alone in wanting to help someone who seems to have given up and be beyond help. But there ARE things you can do.

You need to get help for them. Depending on how bad it is, i.e. are they suicidal, are they severely manic, are they full-on hallucinating, etc—you may need to have them involuntarily committed.

If the person themself is in danger, or if others are in danger because of this person, or if this person is not taking care of themselves appropriately? If ANY OF THESE ARE TRUE, call your local emergency line (911, 999, whatever).

Because this is a possibility (it's happened to me more than once), if you live with or care about someone with mental illness, for god's sake, TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF INVOLUNTARY COMMITMENT. I cannot emphasize this enough. If they're a danger to themselves, others, or unable to take care of themselves, the hospital is the best place for them, period.

It is NOT your job to rescue your SO/friend. I believe it's (close to) impossible for one person to cure another—that's why we have treatment teams.

Once you have that important conversation, PUT THE PLAN IN WRITING. You may even want to go the extra step of becoming your loved one's medical power of attorney, however according to one site your agent may not consent to voluntary inpatient mental health services, convulsive treatment, psychosurgery, or abortion. which means it's effectively useless in terms of emergency mental health care. However, having it there would certainly be a big help if you ever need to get the person committed involuntarily, as sometimes happens.

Remember, all the love and support from family & friends in the world can't pull a person with mental illness out of the black hole that a severe mental illness can cause. It can really only help put someone back together after they've gotten the leg up they needed to start on that road to recovery. In my experience, that initial push has to come either from oneself (rare and most of the time impossible) or from meds and/or therapy.

If the person is not in immediate danger, then help them out by asking what they need to do in order to get help. You might end up calling therapists/psychiatrists for them, perhaps accompanying them to the appointment, but even something as simple as a sticky note on the calendar saying "Today's your psych appt, I love you!" can be a big help.

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I hope this helps. If you have any further questions or if you think this doesn't address something important, please let me know in comments or via PM/email.