but you are not permitted to leave

[erika]

Three Things I Want
that will never happen
(which is probably my fault)

Sometimes, late at night, as I'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep for the 2nd or 5th time that day or night (or whatever) and (inevitably) crying for no particular reason—I think about calling someone. I think, maybe—probably— they would answer, try to console me, tell me that things are going to get better, lie to me, and I would believe them.

I don't call.

---

A couple days after New Year's, I was lying in bed and I thought, appropos of nothing, the world probably isn't actually going to end in December.

I was, I realized, rather disappointed.

---

I always thought that I would get what I wanted or die trying.

And now, it looks like I'm going to do neither.

Comments

[shanaqui]

I probably am not awake at the time you're trying to sleep, but if it's easier than calling someone, you could email me. I'll respond ASAP, I promise.

[chomiji]

>hugs<

[alee_grrl]

::hugs::

[lilmoka]

*hugs tight*

Hey, me too!

[(Anonymous)]

1) Neither do I. 2) Same here. 3) DITTO! [And all three happen to be my fault.] BTW, a lovely person I don't know {merope3 on LJ) quoted you fondly and I followed the breadcrumb trail here. So much in her entries resonated so strongly with me, it seemed incredibly serendipitous--but she didn't reply to my "Hi!" message. In all fairness, she probably assumed that a]I'm a nut, which is obviously true or b]I died in a hibachi "accident". (Well, I registered with LJ so I could properly express my gratitude for her eloquent & poignant candor. So, this time I won't bother filling out the dreamwidth blah-blah-blah.) Anyhow, I'm far too tired and apathetic to describe myself in an interesting and clever way, but I too am a cisgender female, on SSI/SSD with OCD & major depressive disorder. What are the odds? Oh wait--I didn't mean to imply that you didn't describe yourself in an interesting and clever manner, quite the contrary, actually...oh... nevermind.

Re: Hey, me too!

[erika]

<3

You're probably never going to see this, but I do very much appreciate your comment.

Re: Hey, me too!

[achabilli]

You're very welcome. (Okay, so I filled out the blah-blah-blah.)

I had bookmarked this page b/c it contains the truth that someone on LJ quoted:

"I always thought that I would get what I wanted or die trying.

And now, it looks like I'm going to do neither."

I was browsing through my bookmarks, stopped here & for some reason, actually scrolled all the way down. I appreciate the reply.

I know it's silly of me, but I'm still astounded that your bleak & succinct statement is true of at least three people.

Re: Hey, me too!

[erika]

Do you write at LJ? I don't remember if I ever asked, but I ran into your comment again while perusing my archives.