here it comes out of the blue, that bulldozer just rolls me over

[erika]

Yesterday went really well up until night time. Cleaned a bit, went to therapy (more on this later), helped my sister get a new phone.

On the way to the cell phone store, Adara mentioned that she'd moved into a new place. I wanted to be supportive, so I offered to give her some of the stuff from the old apartment, mainly kitchen stuff.

And then I had a breakdown over kitchenware. The end.

---

Just kidding. Like I know how to be succinct!

So my sister & I went downstairs, we're going through stuff, I find the knife that was basically Chance's prized kitchen possession and tell her that it's the only thing I'm "loaning", that she can just have the rest of it all, etc.

And then I tell her "well, now we need to get out of this area of boxes, because I'm totally going to break down if I spend any more time down here."

We went back upstairs, I broke off, went to my room and started crying. Classic paroxysm.

Yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill, or if you're lucky enough not to, here's how it goes:

1. I find some song that speaks to the innermost level of my soul about how horrible I am and how I will never find anyone who loves me.


2. I listen to it on repeat while sobbing senselessly & without ceasing for anywhere from 20 minutes to hours, giving myself a headache and occasionally puking from the force of my crying. Now that's some hardcore emo, I gotta say.


3. I message any of my friends who are or could be around, begging for them to listen to me be upset over whatever.


4. I get tired or distracted or just plain cry myself to sleep. (I went for option #3 yesterday, including a bonus round of using my cell phone to play upsetting songs at me as I fell asleep.)



5. I wake up the next day and think "What the fuck was that."

At least I've managed to cut out the parts in my paroxysm where I start trying to figure out how to kill myself as soon as possible and tell everyone who's trying to comfort me to fuck off and that I hate them. Baby steps, amirite?

Maybe the most interesting part of this is that I actually knew that I was going to be upset over this. As I told panda:

Me: interestingly enough i told my sister last night while we were going through stuff "okay, we need to get out of here before i start sobbing hysterically"
Me: which i then did
Me: and then remember when i was standing at the volunteer thing and i texted you "i think i have about 10 minutes before i have a panic attack"?
Me: and i left... 9 1/2 minutes later?
Me: WHAT IS THIS SORCERY OF PREDICTING HOW I FEEL

Yeah, so. Now panda and I are going out for lunch, but I do want to write about therapy yesterday, so I'll try to remember to do that later. <3

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

Organizing your belongings and anticipating your emotional responses -- clearly, you are mighty! Sorry about the intense unhappiness, though. :/

[erika]

It's okay. I'm over it now, and I'm optimistic that I'll continue to have fewer paroxysms like it in the future.

(I was formerly referring to this type of thing as fits of hysteria, but now that I know the etymology of the word hysteria, I can't ever feel totally comfortable about using it. I'm almost definitely over-thinking this.)

[enemyofperfect]

I like optimism! It being my experience that even time-limited distress is unpleasant.

About the etymology: I know. I try not to use it in pejorative ways, since I learned.