and i'm ready to suffer, and i'm ready to hope
Tuesday, September 18th, 2012 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaSo!
I was a little short on the details in my last entry, so I'm going to explain a little more about what happened on my first 'date' with Josh [DW link] / [LJ link to same entry] and then continue on with what happened on Sunday thru today.
(And yes, I've cleared this with him; he knows about my online journal and the rough sketches of what I write here, so it's all good on the consent front for me to write about this.)
We started talking on OKCupid, um, probably on Wednesday. He happened to be in town on Friday, we met up, basics are covered in that entry I linked.
First thing I didn't mention is that he ended up coming by my house and meeting my dogs. For those of you who have no idea what my dogs are like, Teyla is a half-JRT half-beagle mix, and she's hyper and loving towards all people, because I raised her from a puppy and she's not afraid of anyone human. (She's not that confident around OTHER dogs, which is where I went wrong, but she does enjoy playing with Ronon.) So I wasn't at all worried about how she'd react to Josh.
Ronon, on the other hand, was another story. He was a stray, and judging from his reactions at the shelter (which they told me about) and from when I first adopted him, I honestly don't think he'd ever been inside before. He freaked out about hardwood floors for the first month after I got him, and he hates almost all men. He's submissively peed himself around my dad multiple times. >_<
But! When Josh came over to my place, he got down on the floor almost as soon as he got inside the house and let Ronon investigate him at the dog's own pace, which was ... perfect. I mean, it's silly to be so enamored of someone based on a single action, but treating my dogs right is definitely one of the ways to my heart.
(sex stuff will go in the next entry [not written yet])
So, after I dropped him off back in South Central Bumblefuck, Iowa, I started missing him pretty much immediately. And he felt the same way, because he asked if I wanted to come back the next day, spend the night since he wasn't working, and I kinda said, well, I don't know.
I wanted to, I really did, but the voices in my head were so loud it was impossible for my feelings to drown them out. I kept thinking "this is way too soon, he can't possibly be interested in me, he just wants to get laid again or something, plus I'm convenient because I'm willing to drive there, I'm easy to please, blah blah blah" all this stuff that basically added up to:
You stupid bitch, why would you ever think anyone decent would ever be interested in you?
So, like I've finally learned to do after years and years of dealing with this shit, I took some time to calm myself down. Meditated, took a shower, and then consulted my friends.
3/4 people thought that new relationships being intense was perfectly normal, and of course if you really like the person you want to spend as much time with them as possible. One of them thought it was a little weird, but she wasn't judging, it just wasn't her bag. (Then again she's been dating the same guy for the last three months, they're exclusive, and they only see each other once a week. That's weird to me.)
Then I talked to my mother about it. Yes, I did talk with my mother about whether I should see this guy again. And she told me, you know, I understand why, with your ... interesting... relationship history (that's southern-mother-speak for 'bless her heart, she has no idea how to have a functional relationship') that you would be worried about this, BUT:
· she said that she had confidence that if I really liked this guy, there was probably tons to like about him, and I should want to spend time with someone like that, AND
· even if things went badly, she knew that I would be okay.
That was really, really supportive and pretty empowering for me, because she supported what I wanted to do with logical arguments backed up by her knowledge of me. It may not have even been what she wanted for me—I'm pretty sure my parents would be fine if I never had a romantic relationship again, never risked that kind of hurt, but she knows I wouldn't be happy like that, so she's supporting me.
(panda is pretty much doing the same thing. She thought I shouldn't go when he asked me, but after I came home & told her I had, she said "I'm happy that you're happy.")
I really feel like Josh is a very empathetic and compassionate person, and also (weird word, but it fits) very chivalrous. He described himself as a "nurturing mama-bear type", and he really has displayed that quality, and I think that's fucking adorable. One of the cutest things I think he did was when I first got there and discovered that, despite the fact that he hates that I smoke for many reasons, he actually requested a room at the hotel that was in the smoking section. He claimed it was so that if it rained, I could smoke inside and not have to worry, but really, those rooms stink and I totally did not need it, but I think it was adorable that he even considered it and tried to maximize my comfort.
(I have made it VERY clear that I am not in the market for a caretaker; I do not need to be fixed or protected from myself except under very specific circumstances, and if he wants to rescue somebody, he needs to find someone else, because I'm the only one who can really fix myself the way I need to. I think he gets it, but time will tell. [He does have some other flaws & there are a few potential problems that I can see developing, but I think it's a good thing that I'm thinking rationally enough to see stuff that could be a problem in the future.])
Anyway, so Sunday we hung out all day pretty much in the hotel, went out to Sonic (the one here in my town closed, very sad for me), rented a movie (which we did not end up finishing, hee), and then he asked me to stay an extra day.
Then I did freak out quite a lot, because all of a sudden all the worries that I was doing a decent job ignoring while we were just having fun spending time together came back, and I ended up calling Javina (shout out to Nick, who was also totally willing to listen to me be upset about this) and telling her that:
I didn't think I could do this, I wasn't even sure I wanted to risk anything, and also, what the fuck. This guy is a decent dude from all the info I have about him, and I was (at the time) totally worried that I am not, because look at my life, look at my choices! Look at all the shit I have done, sometimes without any remorse at all, and also a friend that's known me for nearly 20 years thinks I'm poison, and Chance thinks I'm poison, and and and and...
Basically I'm freaking the fuck out because Josh is a really decent guy, he's been really supportive of everything I've told him (and I've mentioned almost every crazy thing that has happened to me, plus all of the MI and generalities on how I get affected by them), and he's sweet and really passionate and hilarious and super intelligent and geeky... and he's fucking incredible in bed, like, to a point I would not have believed possible.
So yeah, I was basically like "excuse me, what the fuck are you thinking, you do not want to be involved with me, this is so wrong for you" but how am I supposed to say anything like that without invalidating his choice to like me, y'know? But I wanted to run away and save both of us from being hurt, I guess.
MIRACULOUSLY, Javina managed to calm me down and ask me what I actually wanted to do, as opposed to what I thought I "should" do, or what I was foreseeing happening in the future when he curses my sudden but inevitable betrayal, that type of thing.
It took a little over an hour for me to work through everything that had been triggered, and I cried and everything, all the while poor Josh was in the hotel room, wondering what the fuck I was doing, since I had to go out into the parking lot of the next building over to get any reception. (See above, where his current residence is basically South Central Bumblefuck, Middle of Nowhere.)
After I came back in (he was on his way out literally as I walked in, to look for me, which, awwwww), we took a little excursion, drove around, etc. (More on that in the sex entry.)
Then we stayed up until about 3 or 4AM talking. We have so much in common, all the big stuff, kids, religion, politics, that kind of shit, and differing experiences in a lot of things that make for some really interesting perspectives.
The next day was pretty much more of the same: we went out for pizza, we played on his Nintendo Wii (which I've never done before, and which I required coaxing into for reasons of downer history with regards to playing games with romantic interests), we had a lot more sex (again, details will be in the next entry when I write it, which will not be tonight because I am fucking exhausted now).
Then sleep, good natured fighting over blankets, a little snuggling in the morning, and then I had to go. We both had money problems that morning, because apparently hotels cannot charge ANYONE correctly, regardless of whether they're in East Central Bumblefuck or whether they're in the larger town that's 20 miles away from where I live, so ... yeah, that blew. But I think we've got something solid here.
Another thing that I was surprisingly pleased about is the conversation we had after he casually used the word feminazi. I actually started off just saying "look, please don't use that word around me, I don't ... it's not a conversation you want to have with me, I get pretty upset about stuff like that, so."
But then he gracefully and nicely asked me to explain, so I did. That really surprised me, as much as maybe it shouldn't be so rare, because I'm just very used to being condescended to and ignored when I get upset about that kind of thing by anyone who isn't basically already considered my friend.
Especially men, unfortunately... the nature of privilege is that it's invisible, you know? So a lot of men don't have any real reason to pay attention to being upset about it, because it literally does not really affect them. Most people who aren't impacted by this shit don't even notice the shit-rain falling, and if their attention is called to it, they say it's not that bad or whatever allows them to continue to ignore it.
(Also, you may remember that the last privilege/disability 101 conversation I had did not go so well.)
BUT, he really listened to me explain why I found it offensive, considered it, agreed that it wasn't really accurate, and asked me to explain further what kind of language I found offensive and why. I mean, I do comprehend that as a representative of the male gender, it's probably pretty damn upsetting to see your entire gender being attacked for things you personally feel like you have no power over or interest in doing.
However, I pointed out that that's basically how women/queer/disabled/etc people live ALL THE TIME, and so maybe using shitty bitchy language to describe people who are trying to FIX society is not the way to go.
And, to my immense surprise, instead of going "oh well, you just don't get it" like almost every other guy i know would do, he really considered what i was saying, listened to me, didn't accuse me of overreacting or being hysterical (god i fucking hate that), and said I had a point and he'd try to work with different ways to describe that kind of feminist man-hating group.
Lo and behold, a conversation about a difficult topic that did not end up with me feeling invalidated/dismissed/condescended to or being flat out sobbing because it was just another opportunity to treat me like shit. I honestly cannot remember the last time that's been the case!
Also, weirdly, somewhere along the line I appear to have acquired a dislike for being emotionally open in the beginning of relationships, but I'm pretty sure that'll dissipate as I feel more comfortable and like he's not going to reject me, even though he really doesn't act like he will, I don't think I can quite believe it yet.
Going a little retrospective, on Sunday night, he asked me if I was interested in a committed relationship (yes, we'd already talked about what we expected from a romantic partner in a general sense) and I was like "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS WHILE THE LIGHTS ARE ON AND YOU'RE LOOKING IN MY EYES, THIS IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME, YOU DO NOT NEED TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU'RE SINCERE."
So then he said "I think it's cute how much you blush" and then I said "I do not blush, your eyes deceive you!" and I jokingly tried to push him off the bed.
But then when the lights were off and we were cuddling and talking before falling asleep, I told him that I really liked the idea, and so to ask me again tomorrow, and he did, and I even managed to look him in the eye when I told him yes, so ... boyfriend!
(He referred to that as 'high school terminology' but agreed with me when I said that there aren't really better words.)
Bottom line is: someone (I don't remember who, because I'm fucking exhausted right now) did ask me if I didn't think I should wait until I was ready. It's a good point, but...
Truthfully, I know myself. I know I'm never going to feel like I'm ready. I wasn't ready to leave the house, I wasn't ready to start school, I wasn't ready to volunteer. But I did all those things, and I enjoyed them.
I've been single for nearly a year and a half, but I am never ready for doing anything. I hate doing things in general, I really hate change, change has so much potential for bad. It's also a potentially very good thing, but anx-brain can only focus on bad bad bad.
If my brain would just shut the fuck up about how everything's going to go wrong and this is way too intense too fast and we are not adhering to the appropriate schedule (I don't even think I know what that is, but far be it from my worrisome side to consider petty logic) and no one could possibly ever be interested in me, I'd be pretty fucking ecstatic.
Truth be told, I think I might be pretty fucking ecstatic anyway. Because, while with greater knowledge of how fucked up my relationships were in the past, comes greater anxiety about getting into something that could potentially be as bad——like with great power comes great responsibility——and I am now apparently Relationship Spider-girl or something.
And yes, it's unfortunate that Relationship Spider-girl's spidey-sense is always flashing on DANGER, but relationships are chancy! Things can always go wrong!
And yet, I really don't have a choice, because if I want to try (and I do), I have to be comfortable with that. I have to be okay with savoring however long this lasts, and even though I want this to last a long time, I think I'll be okay if it doesn't.
Besides, as disgustingly corporate and/or psychobabble-like as this sounds, this whole situation? Total growth opportunity.
I was a little short on the details in my last entry, so I'm going to explain a little more about what happened on my first 'date' with Josh [DW link] / [LJ link to same entry] and then continue on with what happened on Sunday thru today.
(And yes, I've cleared this with him; he knows about my online journal and the rough sketches of what I write here, so it's all good on the consent front for me to write about this.)
We started talking on OKCupid, um, probably on Wednesday. He happened to be in town on Friday, we met up, basics are covered in that entry I linked.
First thing I didn't mention is that he ended up coming by my house and meeting my dogs. For those of you who have no idea what my dogs are like, Teyla is a half-JRT half-beagle mix, and she's hyper and loving towards all people, because I raised her from a puppy and she's not afraid of anyone human. (She's not that confident around OTHER dogs, which is where I went wrong, but she does enjoy playing with Ronon.) So I wasn't at all worried about how she'd react to Josh.
Ronon, on the other hand, was another story. He was a stray, and judging from his reactions at the shelter (which they told me about) and from when I first adopted him, I honestly don't think he'd ever been inside before. He freaked out about hardwood floors for the first month after I got him, and he hates almost all men. He's submissively peed himself around my dad multiple times. >_<
But! When Josh came over to my place, he got down on the floor almost as soon as he got inside the house and let Ronon investigate him at the dog's own pace, which was ... perfect. I mean, it's silly to be so enamored of someone based on a single action, but treating my dogs right is definitely one of the ways to my heart.
(sex stuff will go in the next entry [not written yet])
So, after I dropped him off back in South Central Bumblefuck, Iowa, I started missing him pretty much immediately. And he felt the same way, because he asked if I wanted to come back the next day, spend the night since he wasn't working, and I kinda said, well, I don't know.
I wanted to, I really did, but the voices in my head were so loud it was impossible for my feelings to drown them out. I kept thinking "this is way too soon, he can't possibly be interested in me, he just wants to get laid again or something, plus I'm convenient because I'm willing to drive there, I'm easy to please, blah blah blah" all this stuff that basically added up to:
You stupid bitch, why would you ever think anyone decent would ever be interested in you?
So, like I've finally learned to do after years and years of dealing with this shit, I took some time to calm myself down. Meditated, took a shower, and then consulted my friends.
3/4 people thought that new relationships being intense was perfectly normal, and of course if you really like the person you want to spend as much time with them as possible. One of them thought it was a little weird, but she wasn't judging, it just wasn't her bag. (Then again she's been dating the same guy for the last three months, they're exclusive, and they only see each other once a week. That's weird to me.)
Then I talked to my mother about it. Yes, I did talk with my mother about whether I should see this guy again. And she told me, you know, I understand why, with your ... interesting... relationship history (that's southern-mother-speak for 'bless her heart, she has no idea how to have a functional relationship') that you would be worried about this, BUT:
· she said that she had confidence that if I really liked this guy, there was probably tons to like about him, and I should want to spend time with someone like that, AND
· even if things went badly, she knew that I would be okay.
That was really, really supportive and pretty empowering for me, because she supported what I wanted to do with logical arguments backed up by her knowledge of me. It may not have even been what she wanted for me—I'm pretty sure my parents would be fine if I never had a romantic relationship again, never risked that kind of hurt, but she knows I wouldn't be happy like that, so she's supporting me.
(
panda is pretty much doing the same thing. She thought I shouldn't go when he asked me, but after I came home & told her I had, she said "I'm happy that you're happy.")I really feel like Josh is a very empathetic and compassionate person, and also (weird word, but it fits) very chivalrous. He described himself as a "nurturing mama-bear type", and he really has displayed that quality, and I think that's fucking adorable. One of the cutest things I think he did was when I first got there and discovered that, despite the fact that he hates that I smoke for many reasons, he actually requested a room at the hotel that was in the smoking section. He claimed it was so that if it rained, I could smoke inside and not have to worry, but really, those rooms stink and I totally did not need it, but I think it was adorable that he even considered it and tried to maximize my comfort.
(I have made it VERY clear that I am not in the market for a caretaker; I do not need to be fixed or protected from myself except under very specific circumstances, and if he wants to rescue somebody, he needs to find someone else, because I'm the only one who can really fix myself the way I need to. I think he gets it, but time will tell. [He does have some other flaws & there are a few potential problems that I can see developing, but I think it's a good thing that I'm thinking rationally enough to see stuff that could be a problem in the future.])
Anyway, so Sunday we hung out all day pretty much in the hotel, went out to Sonic (the one here in my town closed, very sad for me), rented a movie (which we did not end up finishing, hee), and then he asked me to stay an extra day.
Then I did freak out quite a lot, because all of a sudden all the worries that I was doing a decent job ignoring while we were just having fun spending time together came back, and I ended up calling Javina (shout out to Nick, who was also totally willing to listen to me be upset about this) and telling her that:
I didn't think I could do this, I wasn't even sure I wanted to risk anything, and also, what the fuck. This guy is a decent dude from all the info I have about him, and I was (at the time) totally worried that I am not, because look at my life, look at my choices! Look at all the shit I have done, sometimes without any remorse at all, and also a friend that's known me for nearly 20 years thinks I'm poison, and Chance thinks I'm poison, and and and and...
Basically I'm freaking the fuck out because Josh is a really decent guy, he's been really supportive of everything I've told him (and I've mentioned almost every crazy thing that has happened to me, plus all of the MI and generalities on how I get affected by them), and he's sweet and really passionate and hilarious and super intelligent and geeky... and he's fucking incredible in bed, like, to a point I would not have believed possible.
So yeah, I was basically like "excuse me, what the fuck are you thinking, you do not want to be involved with me, this is so wrong for you" but how am I supposed to say anything like that without invalidating his choice to like me, y'know? But I wanted to run away and save both of us from being hurt, I guess.
MIRACULOUSLY, Javina managed to calm me down and ask me what I actually wanted to do, as opposed to what I thought I "should" do, or what I was foreseeing happening in the future when he curses my sudden but inevitable betrayal, that type of thing.
It took a little over an hour for me to work through everything that had been triggered, and I cried and everything, all the while poor Josh was in the hotel room, wondering what the fuck I was doing, since I had to go out into the parking lot of the next building over to get any reception. (See above, where his current residence is basically South Central Bumblefuck, Middle of Nowhere.)
After I came back in (he was on his way out literally as I walked in, to look for me, which, awwwww), we took a little excursion, drove around, etc. (More on that in the sex entry.)
Then we stayed up until about 3 or 4AM talking. We have so much in common, all the big stuff, kids, religion, politics, that kind of shit, and differing experiences in a lot of things that make for some really interesting perspectives.
The next day was pretty much more of the same: we went out for pizza, we played on his Nintendo Wii (which I've never done before, and which I required coaxing into for reasons of downer history with regards to playing games with romantic interests), we had a lot more sex (again, details will be in the next entry when I write it, which will not be tonight because I am fucking exhausted now).
Then sleep, good natured fighting over blankets, a little snuggling in the morning, and then I had to go. We both had money problems that morning, because apparently hotels cannot charge ANYONE correctly, regardless of whether they're in East Central Bumblefuck or whether they're in the larger town that's 20 miles away from where I live, so ... yeah, that blew. But I think we've got something solid here.
Another thing that I was surprisingly pleased about is the conversation we had after he casually used the word feminazi. I actually started off just saying "look, please don't use that word around me, I don't ... it's not a conversation you want to have with me, I get pretty upset about stuff like that, so."
But then he gracefully and nicely asked me to explain, so I did. That really surprised me, as much as maybe it shouldn't be so rare, because I'm just very used to being condescended to and ignored when I get upset about that kind of thing by anyone who isn't basically already considered my friend.
Especially men, unfortunately... the nature of privilege is that it's invisible, you know? So a lot of men don't have any real reason to pay attention to being upset about it, because it literally does not really affect them. Most people who aren't impacted by this shit don't even notice the shit-rain falling, and if their attention is called to it, they say it's not that bad or whatever allows them to continue to ignore it.
(Also, you may remember that the last privilege/disability 101 conversation I had did not go so well.)
BUT, he really listened to me explain why I found it offensive, considered it, agreed that it wasn't really accurate, and asked me to explain further what kind of language I found offensive and why. I mean, I do comprehend that as a representative of the male gender, it's probably pretty damn upsetting to see your entire gender being attacked for things you personally feel like you have no power over or interest in doing.
However, I pointed out that that's basically how women/queer/disabled/etc people live ALL THE TIME, and so maybe using shitty bitchy language to describe people who are trying to FIX society is not the way to go.
And, to my immense surprise, instead of going "oh well, you just don't get it" like almost every other guy i know would do, he really considered what i was saying, listened to me, didn't accuse me of overreacting or being hysterical (god i fucking hate that), and said I had a point and he'd try to work with different ways to describe that kind of feminist man-hating group.
Lo and behold, a conversation about a difficult topic that did not end up with me feeling invalidated/dismissed/condescended to or being flat out sobbing because it was just another opportunity to treat me like shit. I honestly cannot remember the last time that's been the case!
Also, weirdly, somewhere along the line I appear to have acquired a dislike for being emotionally open in the beginning of relationships, but I'm pretty sure that'll dissipate as I feel more comfortable and like he's not going to reject me, even though he really doesn't act like he will, I don't think I can quite believe it yet.
Going a little retrospective, on Sunday night, he asked me if I was interested in a committed relationship (yes, we'd already talked about what we expected from a romantic partner in a general sense) and I was like "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS WHILE THE LIGHTS ARE ON AND YOU'RE LOOKING IN MY EYES, THIS IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME, YOU DO NOT NEED TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU'RE SINCERE."
So then he said "I think it's cute how much you blush" and then I said "I do not blush, your eyes deceive you!" and I jokingly tried to push him off the bed.
But then when the lights were off and we were cuddling and talking before falling asleep, I told him that I really liked the idea, and so to ask me again tomorrow, and he did, and I even managed to look him in the eye when I told him yes, so ... boyfriend!
(He referred to that as 'high school terminology' but agreed with me when I said that there aren't really better words.)
Bottom line is: someone (I don't remember who, because I'm fucking exhausted right now) did ask me if I didn't think I should wait until I was ready. It's a good point, but...
Truthfully, I know myself. I know I'm never going to feel like I'm ready. I wasn't ready to leave the house, I wasn't ready to start school, I wasn't ready to volunteer. But I did all those things, and I enjoyed them.
I've been single for nearly a year and a half, but I am never ready for doing anything. I hate doing things in general, I really hate change, change has so much potential for bad. It's also a potentially very good thing, but anx-brain can only focus on bad bad bad.
If my brain would just shut the fuck up about how everything's going to go wrong and this is way too intense too fast and we are not adhering to the appropriate schedule (I don't even think I know what that is, but far be it from my worrisome side to consider petty logic) and no one could possibly ever be interested in me, I'd be pretty fucking ecstatic.
Truth be told, I think I might be pretty fucking ecstatic anyway. Because, while with greater knowledge of how fucked up my relationships were in the past, comes greater anxiety about getting into something that could potentially be as bad——like with great power comes great responsibility——and I am now apparently Relationship Spider-girl or something.
And yes, it's unfortunate that Relationship Spider-girl's spidey-sense is always flashing on DANGER, but relationships are chancy! Things can always go wrong!
And yet, I really don't have a choice, because if I want to try (and I do), I have to be comfortable with that. I have to be okay with savoring however long this lasts, and even though I want this to last a long time, I think I'll be okay if it doesn't.
Besides, as disgustingly corporate and/or psychobabble-like as this sounds, this whole situation? Total growth opportunity.
And for those of you who are eagerly awaiting the prurient details
that entry will probably be written tomorrow!
if you requested to be on the sex filter, you've been added
if you didn't request because you don't think you know me well enough or vice versa,
it doesn't matter, I'm not trying to keep people out based on that,
it's more like "I don't want someone who reads DW/LJ at work to get in trouble or who's not interested in this [or god forbid, triggered by it] to be tempted to read it."
So yeah, if you didn't already ask and you are interested in the sex details,
leave a screened comment on my last entry [DW/LJ].
that entry will probably be written tomorrow!
if you requested to be on the sex filter, you've been added
if you didn't request because you don't think you know me well enough or vice versa,
it doesn't matter, I'm not trying to keep people out based on that,
it's more like "I don't want someone who reads DW/LJ at work to get in trouble or who's not interested in this [or god forbid, triggered by it] to be tempted to read it."
So yeah, if you didn't already ask and you are interested in the sex details,
leave a screened comment on my last entry [DW/LJ].
