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erikaJosh has just left and his dog, Aidyn, is currently re-enacting the Futurama episode "Jurassic Bark." (It's ... really pretty sad, I don't recommend googling it, seriously.) Josh was here early Sunday afternoon through today, so 4 solid days of interaction with him in my space.
Before anyone gets confused about why I was so upset he didn't come last week if he was coming this week, well, he had to have major dental surgery this week, so ... Sunday we went grocery shopping for an entirely soft food diet, then Monday was entirely taken up by: me waiting for his surgery to be finished, wheeling him out through the hospital while bloody drool spilled out of his mouth (oh god, the looks I got, seriously), then taking care of him as he was completely stoned out of his head, including contacting his relatives to let them know how everything went and making followup appointments.
Then Tuesday I had to switch into functioning as a pill timer (HA, FINALLY A JOB I'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR ALL MY LIFE!), plus cook & general dogsbody for another 18 hours or so until he was aware enough to take over for himself.
(Except he still can't cook. Heh. More on that later.)
Anyway, that meant that we only got to spend quality time together for maybe 2 days total, not that I'm resentful, because I feel like the fact that he asked me to take care of him during this speaks a lot to his level of trust in me.
Of course it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and Vicodin. Asthegorgon put it, sometimes one person's issues intersect with someone else's issues and EXPLODE. Or, really, as she put it far more colorfully: my shit hits [their] shit and EXPLODES into tiny pieces of irrational terror and rage.
In this case, it had to do with cooking and cleaning up—but really, it was the intersection between that, his ADHD, and my acute rejection sensitivity.
The rules in my parents' house, and when I lived with my last SO, was "if X cooks, Y does the dishes, this is non-negotiable."
It was always framed, when I was growing up, as an issue of reciprocation and appreciation... X went to the trouble of cooking for everyone, he or she shouldn't have to clean up as well, that's pretty much just rude as hell and basically says "I don't appreciate the time & effort you took to cook for me (or I don't think what you did deserves any appreciation) so I can't be bothered to reciprocate the action of you helping me via cooking by in turn, cleaning up."
Now, realistically, I realize that this isn't always true. FOR EXAMPLE, when Y has severe ADHD and literally does not see the mounting dishes as a problem——but I still perceive it as a lack of appreciation and essentially a rejection of my efforts.
So that was the cause of a very uncomfortable conversation where I felt I had to be critical of him for not attending to something that was majorly important to me.
Though I had mentioned it repeatedly while I was cooking for him at his place, the fact remains that I consider myself a guest while there, so I felt like anything beyond "hey, wash this so I can cook with it" was pretty much out. If he doesn't want to wash dishes in his own place, it's not my job to tell him to.
But while he was here, I FELT like "you're a guest and you're completely ignoring me when I tell you I need you to do this because it's very important to me." I'm emphasizing felt there because, again, logically... I know it has NOTHING to do with a lack of reciprocation or lack of motivation to please me or that he doesn't want to confirm that he appreciates what I've done.
The thing is, he's had some bad psychiatric interventions in the past with the ADHD so I kept thinking like... what the fuck do I even say here, I feel like we can't live together if our issues keep intersecting like this, where I know logically that he doesn't MEAN to hurt me, but he still is, and where he feels like I should cut him way more slack because I do in fact know better and instead I'm criticizing him for something he can't help.
So it seems pretty doom worthy, but we talked about the various things involved (dishwashing, ADHD) and had some good conversations about that. Then, later, when we're being all lovey-dovey before he has to go, he says 'you know, I really want to live with you eventually, but I feel like we'd be a lot happier about it if we did some couples' counselling first.'
Oh man, that was so fucking awesome. (Hint: I'm pretty sure I'm one of the very few people in the world who would react this way to someone I've only dated for less than three months suggesting couples' counselling!)
But I majorly sighed in relief, because EXACTLY, oh my god, thank you for saying it so I don't have to, and I confirmed this with him... it's not that we really have serious communication problems, it's more that both of us have had traumatic experiences and our own issues, plus we both default to defensive when someone is being critical, even if we logically KNOW that the criticism is valid and justified... and it would just be awesome if we could get to a place where neither one of us feels unfairly criticized or rejected when we need to discuss things.
So, weirdly enough, the fact that he's thinking about this in advance makes me a lot happier about the future of our relationship.
Before anyone gets confused about why I was so upset he didn't come last week if he was coming this week, well, he had to have major dental surgery this week, so ... Sunday we went grocery shopping for an entirely soft food diet, then Monday was entirely taken up by: me waiting for his surgery to be finished, wheeling him out through the hospital while bloody drool spilled out of his mouth (oh god, the looks I got, seriously), then taking care of him as he was completely stoned out of his head, including contacting his relatives to let them know how everything went and making followup appointments.
Then Tuesday I had to switch into functioning as a pill timer (HA, FINALLY A JOB I'VE BEEN TRAINING FOR ALL MY LIFE!), plus cook & general dogsbody for another 18 hours or so until he was aware enough to take over for himself.
(Except he still can't cook. Heh. More on that later.)
Anyway, that meant that we only got to spend quality time together for maybe 2 days total, not that I'm resentful, because I feel like the fact that he asked me to take care of him during this speaks a lot to his level of trust in me.
Of course it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and Vicodin. As
thegorgon put it, sometimes one person's issues intersect with someone else's issues and EXPLODE. Or, really, as she put it far more colorfully: my shit hits [their] shit and EXPLODES into tiny pieces of irrational terror and rage.In this case, it had to do with cooking and cleaning up—but really, it was the intersection between that, his ADHD, and my acute rejection sensitivity.
The rules in my parents' house, and when I lived with my last SO, was "if X cooks, Y does the dishes, this is non-negotiable."
It was always framed, when I was growing up, as an issue of reciprocation and appreciation... X went to the trouble of cooking for everyone, he or she shouldn't have to clean up as well, that's pretty much just rude as hell and basically says "I don't appreciate the time & effort you took to cook for me (or I don't think what you did deserves any appreciation) so I can't be bothered to reciprocate the action of you helping me via cooking by in turn, cleaning up."
Now, realistically, I realize that this isn't always true. FOR EXAMPLE, when Y has severe ADHD and literally does not see the mounting dishes as a problem——but I still perceive it as a lack of appreciation and essentially a rejection of my efforts.
So that was the cause of a very uncomfortable conversation where I felt I had to be critical of him for not attending to something that was majorly important to me.
Though I had mentioned it repeatedly while I was cooking for him at his place, the fact remains that I consider myself a guest while there, so I felt like anything beyond "hey, wash this so I can cook with it" was pretty much out. If he doesn't want to wash dishes in his own place, it's not my job to tell him to.
But while he was here, I FELT like "you're a guest and you're completely ignoring me when I tell you I need you to do this because it's very important to me." I'm emphasizing felt there because, again, logically... I know it has NOTHING to do with a lack of reciprocation or lack of motivation to please me or that he doesn't want to confirm that he appreciates what I've done.
The thing is, he's had some bad psychiatric interventions in the past with the ADHD so I kept thinking like... what the fuck do I even say here, I feel like we can't live together if our issues keep intersecting like this, where I know logically that he doesn't MEAN to hurt me, but he still is, and where he feels like I should cut him way more slack because I do in fact know better and instead I'm criticizing him for something he can't help.
So it seems pretty doom worthy, but we talked about the various things involved (dishwashing, ADHD) and had some good conversations about that. Then, later, when we're being all lovey-dovey before he has to go, he says 'you know, I really want to live with you eventually, but I feel like we'd be a lot happier about it if we did some couples' counselling first.'
Oh man, that was so fucking awesome. (Hint: I'm pretty sure I'm one of the very few people in the world who would react this way to someone I've only dated for less than three months suggesting couples' counselling!)
But I majorly sighed in relief, because EXACTLY, oh my god, thank you for saying it so I don't have to, and I confirmed this with him... it's not that we really have serious communication problems, it's more that both of us have had traumatic experiences and our own issues, plus we both default to defensive when someone is being critical, even if we logically KNOW that the criticism is valid and justified... and it would just be awesome if we could get to a place where neither one of us feels unfairly criticized or rejected when we need to discuss things.
So, weirdly enough, the fact that he's thinking about this in advance makes me a lot happier about the future of our relationship.
- Things I'm happy about this Thanksgiving
- my boyfriend suggesting couples' counselling before we move in together
- not having anyone else human around (FREEDOM FROM THE TYRRANY OF PANTS! NOT HAVING TO SHARE MY STUFFING!)
- Adderall, because yay for being awake.
- Breathe-Right strips
- bondage tape
that are probably not going to make anyone else's list:
- Things I Hate This Thanksgiving (it's a tradition, damnit):
- I've started having anxiety dreams/nightmares. WTF. Apparently this is the way the rest of the world dreams?
But I'm cranky about it because I'm anxious all day long and then I have weird-ass dreams about losing my dogs or truckers stealing my Hogwarts scarf and THIS IS FUCKING BIZARRE, PEOPLE. - My legs hurt because I was standing up for long periods of time (3+ hours over the last two days) and fuck it all, I know it's my issue because even though I want to exercise and quit smoking and and and ... really, let's be honest, just thinking about everything I need to do to be healthier makes me feel exhausted.
- The fact that I couldn't find gluten-free bread at the supermarket to make panda some stuffing, which I really wanted to do.
- The IRS hasn't deposited my tax refund (supposedly direct deposit normally takes 2-14 days, it's now been... 24 days and counting)
- My mood being so ... mercurial, labile, etc. I'm pretty sure I gave Josh emotional whiplash a few times.
- All the cleaning I'm going to have to do. D:
- OMFG I'm so behind on my reading page because I couldn't abandon Josh for long enough to catch up at any point. fuuuuuuuck.
no subject
on Saturday, November 24th, 2012 06:02 pm (UTC)It's not so much that we're going through difficulties, but more that certain problems that we have as individuals tend to be exacerbated when they come into contact, if you know what I mean?
no subject
on Tuesday, December 4th, 2012 09:45 am (UTC)For whatever it's worth, on the topic of your legs hurting -- over the past year I've inched my way up to the NIH-recommended amount of weekly aerobic exercise, and I still hate standing in place for any length of time. For me it's my back more than my legs, and I definitely don't mean to suggest that physical activity can't improve well-being, because my experience has been that it totally can, but I don't think I could necessarily have predicted ahead of time the ways that would turn out to be the case, if that makes sense?
(Oh my gosh, I briefly thought the subject line of this post was asking if it's love that gives the strength to wash, full stop. And I thought: no, I think it's probably adequate treatment for depression that does that.)
no subject
on Sunday, December 9th, 2012 05:35 pm (UTC)Seriously when he said that I felt some inner tension just unwind. THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT SO I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A WEIRDO FOR BRINGING IT UP.
no subject
on Sunday, December 9th, 2012 05:39 pm (UTC)I feel really cared about and appreciated when things that COULD become problems are looked at carefully before they become problems, and then eventually problems-nobody-acknowledges-because-it-could-be -so-bad-we-might-as-well-break-up. I think a LOT of problems hit that third stage if both people (or however many people) in a relationship aren't committed to acknowledging and working on stuff.
also, EXERCISE. HOW DOES DOING IT REGULARLY EVEN WORK. siiiigh.
(true story: my smell was offending myself yesterday and it was only today that I realized a shower would probably fix that. GOOD JOB, SELF.)
no subject
on Sunday, December 23rd, 2012 12:29 pm (UTC)So much this.
(The thing that always surprises me after I stop boycotting running water [note: I never actually boycott running water, because I always wash my hands approximately a zillion times a day, but the same OCD that drives that makes showering actually more difficult; it's a good thing mental illness isn't supposed to make sense, isn't it?] is how nice it is to feel clean. It's like, who knew? Apart from millions of people and my own past self, I mean. IT'S A VERY WELL-KEPT SECRET.)