but i never left, i was always right here.
Monday, June 9th, 2014 05:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erika(I wrote this entry two weeks ago but never posted it. sorry, y'all)
Monday in the middle of May, I had what's called a UP3 surgery, plus additional tonsil removal.
I felt TOTALLY out of it afterwards, even though I was doing everything normally. I blame the narcotics.
I like to look at happy pictures when I'm sad but sometimes I'm scared to look for them because what if I run into a sad picture on the way?
These are happy pictures of brides seeing their bride on a wedding day
When I'm depressed, the enormity of life wears me down. I pare down the activities I participate in, the people I agree to see, the obligations I used to enjoy—trying to get rid of the thing that's making me feel bad, but then there's nothing left to lose... and life still forever remains exhausting in its emptiness.
I've mentioned to a few friends that I want to start scheduling myself some writing time in the mornings. An hour, roughly around 10am, for my brain to just let things go.
(Aidyn curled up on the floor, on a blanket, on the electric blanket with cords delicately wound around his feet like he or they were a species of vine. If I were to pet him, he would be soft, he would welcome it, but his nose twitches that tiny little bit and I know he's asleep, dulcet dreaming, and I don't want to disturb him.)
I find myself doing anything—even organizing my email—instead of writing. What's so hard about it? What am I avoiding? For avoiding it I am, and evidently with some real deftness.
Writing is like meditating. I know I need to do it regularly to feel at my best, I know that I feel better when I do it, but actually doing it feels about less appealing than scrubbing the kitchen floor.
I guess the need to garner attention in such dramatic ways dropped once I had the ability to give MYSELF the attention I needed ~quirkytizzy
Exactly.
I find that there's a distinct subgroup of people (almost always women) who give and give and give in order to either sublimate their problems into helping other people and therefore being "useful", and/or to get attention back because they can only be "fixed" by someone else's efforts.
You may notice that these two options are pretty much the same thing. I don't think I'm far from the truth when I say in my experience, it boils down to this and purely this: I was terrified to attend to myself, my own needs, my problems, my wants and desires, because my entire life growing up—my culture, my family, and the media I consumed—told me that it was completely wrong of me to want anything for myself.
"Selfish bitch" is probably one of the nicest things you hear about a woman who puts her priorities, herself over other people.
But within us all is our Self, that beautiful expanse of free creation and boundless love that, like a garden, we can either choose to tend, or ignore. If, like a garden, we tend it, we have strong fences (boundaries) to keep out the riff-raff & vermin, AND we make sure our needs are met, we then have nearly-endless love-zucchini to give out about the neighborhood.
... that metaphor makes a lot of sense in my head. Maybe you'll just have to trust me on this. Plus I may rework this comment into an entry <3
Monday in the middle of May, I had what's called a UP3 surgery, plus additional tonsil removal.
I felt TOTALLY out of it afterwards, even though I was doing everything normally. I blame the narcotics.
I like to look at happy pictures when I'm sad but sometimes I'm scared to look for them because what if I run into a sad picture on the way?
These are happy pictures of brides seeing their bride on a wedding day
When I'm depressed, the enormity of life wears me down. I pare down the activities I participate in, the people I agree to see, the obligations I used to enjoy—trying to get rid of the thing that's making me feel bad, but then there's nothing left to lose... and life still forever remains exhausting in its emptiness.
I've mentioned to a few friends that I want to start scheduling myself some writing time in the mornings. An hour, roughly around 10am, for my brain to just let things go.
(Aidyn curled up on the floor, on a blanket, on the electric blanket with cords delicately wound around his feet like he or they were a species of vine. If I were to pet him, he would be soft, he would welcome it, but his nose twitches that tiny little bit and I know he's asleep, dulcet dreaming, and I don't want to disturb him.)
I find myself doing anything—even organizing my email—instead of writing. What's so hard about it? What am I avoiding? For avoiding it I am, and evidently with some real deftness.
Writing is like meditating. I know I need to do it regularly to feel at my best, I know that I feel better when I do it, but actually doing it feels about less appealing than scrubbing the kitchen floor.
I guess the need to garner attention in such dramatic ways dropped once I had the ability to give MYSELF the attention I needed ~
quirkytizzyExactly.
I find that there's a distinct subgroup of people (almost always women) who give and give and give in order to either sublimate their problems into helping other people and therefore being "useful", and/or to get attention back because they can only be "fixed" by someone else's efforts.
You may notice that these two options are pretty much the same thing. I don't think I'm far from the truth when I say in my experience, it boils down to this and purely this: I was terrified to attend to myself, my own needs, my problems, my wants and desires, because my entire life growing up—my culture, my family, and the media I consumed—told me that it was completely wrong of me to want anything for myself.
"Selfish bitch" is probably one of the nicest things you hear about a woman who puts her priorities, herself over other people.
But within us all is our Self, that beautiful expanse of free creation and boundless love that, like a garden, we can either choose to tend, or ignore. If, like a garden, we tend it, we have strong fences (boundaries) to keep out the riff-raff & vermin, AND we make sure our needs are met, we then have nearly-endless love-zucchini to give out about the neighborhood.
... that metaphor makes a lot of sense in my head. Maybe you'll just have to trust me on this. Plus I may rework this comment into an entry <3
no subject
on Monday, June 9th, 2014 10:18 pm (UTC)It's a terrible thing they do to us, asking us to do one thing and then demonizing us for doing that very thing.
Aidyen sounds like a lovely creature. Dog? Cat? I love the way small animal's noses twitch. It's so adorable - and so...lifelike. Humans don't really do that in their sleep.
I get that about the happy pictures thing. Sometimes I have to stay away from the really happy when I'm depressed because it oddly enough makes me MORE depressed. Not in a "look what I can't have" kind of way, but in a way that's like - "The human experience is so big, I don't know if I can take it all in without breaking."
Even the happy things sometimes are like that. So I do that paring down thing you were talking about, too.
I really like seeing you update. Thank you for posting.
no subject
on Tuesday, June 10th, 2014 02:56 pm (UTC)love-zucchini, that's AMAZING
on Thursday, June 12th, 2014 08:28 am (UTC)The thing about taking care of other people because it's the only way you can find to take care of yourself is that, at least sometimes, it's better than nothing.
no subject
on Monday, June 23rd, 2014 09:14 am (UTC)My sister is exactly one of those women. And she's working her way slowly but steadily out of it. But what you've written here sounds much like things I've heard her say on the subject; and a few others who relate a similar experience.
To (badly, I'm sure) paraphrase a long-term Internets friend of mine: make yourself the centre of your... solar system. The epicentre.
I'm still making my health the epicentre of my life. I'm well practised in making myself, or parts of myself, the epicentre of my life. But not my health. Even though that's been underway for a year or two now, gotta say, still new and stumbling at this. I've put PARTS of my health at the centre, but not my health in its entirety. LEARNING PROCESS WOAH.
no subject
on Monday, June 23rd, 2014 04:07 pm (UTC)haha wow so I am 1000% Doing The Thing right now brain twins & turtles & all that. the hardest part may be realizing that you are doing it, and that it's not working, but it's not like you can instantly stop, you have to crawl your way back out of the fucking isolated hole you dug yourself into.
also your garden metaphor makes 100000% sense and idk if it's bc I'm a figurative language type person who thinks better in metaphors or if it's bc we're brain twins or if it just is a sense making metaphor in general but if I understand it clearly I'm the important one & who cares if other ppl understand it ;)
but anyway turtles to the whole 'selfish bitch' thing like a lot of turtles. all the way down. also that you need to ~earn~ having someone take care of you by being useful enough to prove that you are worthy of it.
basically fuck alla that.