whatever i touch—turns to ice in my clutch—i'm too much

I grasp dimly at an idea that is not clear to me—a line on the horizon through clouds—I sketch the barest description of it, circumnavigating any real explanation, and am inevitably hailed as savior for the merest hint of newfound promise. To those on a ship, what greater hope is there than that of land?

And so it is for the mentally ill: wronged, put out to sea, longing & searching. No one can open your eyes to show you the horizon if you are curled up in a ball, sobbing. No one can force you to hear the cries of the eagle-eyed cabin boys as land is sighted. No one can truly describe it to you, or even bring you there—while famously you can lead a horse to water, equally infamous is that you cannot, once there, force said horse to drink.

we may make it through the war if we make it through the night

I was in Seattle for the last week. Well, also in Vancouver for two days, met Javina in person for the first time (entry about that coming up), & then back to Seattle.

The second day I was there, I became quite upset because the friend I was staying with—the person whom, prior to this visit, I would have described as my best friend—Alena— is ... well, I came to realize that she's not my best friend anymore.

There were a lot of reasons for this realization: she has a life that's entirely separate from mine, we don't talk very often, she has a lot of new friends, she doesn't really seem to care about me all that much more than as just an acquaintance, etc etc, down to the fact that she decorates with mementoes of her friends & she doesn't have anything of/from me.

It hurt a lot at the time, but now I don't feel anything. I'm not entirely sure how to handle it—do I just let her drift off, iceberg floe in the distance? Do I say something & risk crashing into that iceberg?

I don't really think it's reparable—not with the amount of effort that she generally puts into our relationship— so ... I guess there's no point in saying anything to her.

Thus, to mark the end of a friendship.