you got me going, you're oh so charming, but i can't do it

So my new therapist said something interesting.

He said I was worried about killing myself. And I am, and I didn't even realize it. I can't stop that part of my brain that thinks it's a good idea.

I stay away from anything that might make me sad— even falling in love.

now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse

So I've been off my antidepressants (hereafter referred to as ADs) for about 3 weeks. It wasn't planned; I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at a time which would've allowed me to refill my meds, but then my grandmother got sick and I had to cancel.

Sure, I could've called the clinic and gotten a refill. That probably would've been the best option, but the weird thing is that basically nothing's changed. My mood hasn't gone appreciably downhill, and I feel a little more irritated with the world, that's about it.

(I didn't get any withdrawal symptoms, either. I might as well have been taking sugar pills.)

Anyway, so ... ADs. Bust. I've taken some SSRIs (made it worse), all the SNRIs (sugar pills), and even Wellbutrin (NDRI) didn't make a dent.

I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday and I'll bring up Lamictal (a mood stabilizer with antidepressant qualities) then. Maybe that'll do something.

I kind of doubt it, but I'm running out of options.