no one here can do it as good as me.

The witty parts of a long whinge about another amazing clusterfuck I've once again gotten myself into, with bonus nonethefewer:

(Quotes have been lightly edited for punctuation, capitalization & emphasis. Transcript incomplete to protect the guilty.)

Me: It's helpful for me to have someone to rant to who I know isn't going to be like "well, they could have a point." Most of my other friends are rationalist fucks like that.

Me, after explaining the thoughts/actions leading up to the current clusterfuck I find myself in: Now, in retrospect, yes, this is not the best plan ever.
Xtina: Possibly!
Xtina: When it's the plot of a romcom, you know it's Captain Badplan.

Me: I'm thinking of having bracelets made for all my friends this winter-giving-holiday that say "NDWEWD" (Never Do What Erika Would Do).

Me: I tried gentle guidance, I tried tough love, I tried outright criticism, I tried unconditional support.
Me: But—if I die and the worst thing anyone can say at my funeral is "she blackmailed her friends into fixing their lives"—well fuck, sort me into Slytherin and call it a goddamn day.

Xtina: This [situation] is such a basket of angry blood-eels that I really have nothing to say, to be honest.

Me: Nowhere, fucking nowhere, [were my actions] logical besides in my own mind.

Me: I [told them] I wouldn't want to be around me either if I had any goddamn choice in the matter. And I've felt like that before, but ... usually people didn't agree with me.

Me: It just ... the irony of the "selfish" idea is so bitter.
Me: Seriously, what did I get out of it. what.

Me: I make a hell of a lot of really epic mistakes, but rarely the same one twice.
Xtina: You're an object lesson.
Me: Thus the bracelets.
Me: So, I'll put you down for one?

Me: I managed to complete the entirety of this snafu online.
Me: Upon reflection, it's amazing what one can do with the aid of the internet these days.

Me: How many fucking crises have I had like this?!
Me: I swear to god, it's at least once a month.
Xtina: You should make a calendar!
Xtina: This is not one of my better ideas, granted.

Xtina: "August: the month of doom!"
Xtina: "September: the month of peril!"
Xtina: "October: the month of trials and tribulations!"
Me: November: My birthday! (Also PERILOUS TRIBULATIONS AND TRIALS OF DOOM.)
Xtina: "December: Milk and honey... just kidding! LOCUSTS."

Xtina: I ADVISE you
Xtina: to make that CALENDAR.
Xtina: sure, it'll make the walls bleed, but whatever!
Me: Well, mostly I don't want to do anything encouraging.
Me: I mean, I'm not actually looking for this shit and it keeps happening to me.
Me: I'm thinking mostly because I'm a complete fuckup, but there are possibly other reasons...
Me: [So I cannot help but worry that] if I actually acknowledge the situation to the extent of calendarizing it, the universe may take that as a sign to put other obstacles in my path that I can then trip over, fall down a hole, ram into a knife at the bottom, and exsanguinate myself with.
Me: [Someone close to me at the time] once categorized me as "the absolute best at what she does: making a bad situation worse" and while hurtful, it seems to be completely true.
Me: This is my secret superpower, Xtina.
Me: I cannot share it with everyone.
Xtina: This is because you're selfish.
[pause, during which I begin laughing so hard I can't type]
Xtina: Ohhh, I am going straight to hell for that one.