save your sanity for later.

The witty parts of a long whinge about another amazing clusterfuck I've once again gotten myself into, with bonus nonethefewer:

(Quotes have been lightly edited for punctuation, capitalization & emphasis. Transcript incomplete to protect the guilty.)

Me: It's helpful for me to have someone to rant to who I know isn't going to be like "well, they could have a point." Most of my other friends are rationalist fucks like that.

Me, after explaining the thoughts/actions leading up to the current clusterfuck I find myself in: Now, in retrospect, yes, this is not the best plan ever.
Xtina: Possibly!
Xtina: When it's the plot of a romcom, you know it's Captain Badplan.

Me: I'm thinking of having bracelets made for all my friends this winter-giving-holiday that say "NDWEWD" (Never Do What Erika Would Do).

Me: I tried gentle guidance, I tried tough love, I tried outright criticism, I tried unconditional support.
Me: But—if I die and the worst thing anyone can say at my funeral is "she blackmailed her friends into fixing their lives"—well fuck, sort me into Slytherin and call it a goddamn day.

Xtina: This [situation] is such a basket of angry blood-eels that I really have nothing to say, to be honest.

Me: Nowhere, fucking nowhere, [were my actions] logical besides in my own mind.

Me: I [told them] I wouldn't want to be around me either if I had any goddamn choice in the matter. And I've felt like that before, but ... usually people didn't agree with me.

Me: It just ... the irony of the "selfish" idea is so bitter.
Me: Seriously, what did I get out of it. what.

Me: I make a hell of a lot of really epic mistakes, but rarely the same one twice.
Xtina: You're an object lesson.
Me: Thus the bracelets.
Me: So, I'll put you down for one?

Me: I managed to complete the entirety of this snafu online.
Me: Upon reflection, it's amazing what one can do with the aid of the internet these days.

Me: How many fucking crises have I had like this?!
Me: I swear to god, it's at least once a month.
Xtina: You should make a calendar!
Xtina: This is not one of my better ideas, granted.

Xtina: "August: the month of doom!"
Xtina: "September: the month of peril!"
Xtina: "October: the month of trials and tribulations!"
Me: November: My birthday! (Also PERILOUS TRIBULATIONS AND TRIALS OF DOOM.)
Xtina: "December: Milk and honey... just kidding! LOCUSTS."

Xtina: I ADVISE you
Xtina: to make that CALENDAR.
Xtina: sure, it'll make the walls bleed, but whatever!
Me: Well, mostly I don't want to do anything encouraging.
Me: I mean, I'm not actually looking for this shit and it keeps happening to me.
Me: I'm thinking mostly because I'm a complete fuckup, but there are possibly other reasons...
Me: [So I cannot help but worry that] if I actually acknowledge the situation to the extent of calendarizing it, the universe may take that as a sign to put other obstacles in my path that I can then trip over, fall down a hole, ram into a knife at the bottom, and exsanguinate myself with.
Me: [Someone close to me at the time] once categorized me as "the absolute best at what she does: making a bad situation worse" and while hurtful, it seems to be completely true.
Me: This is my secret superpower, Xtina.
Me: I cannot share it with everyone.
Xtina: This is because you're selfish.
[pause, during which I begin laughing so hard I can't type]
Xtina: Ohhh, I am going straight to hell for that one.

This is a direct quote from an IM chat Ellen* and I were having (note, I never said I wanted to feel normal, just "less depressed"). Bold is mine, italics and extraneous use of quotation marks is hers:

maybe your goal should be to feel less "like this" because that seems more achievable. and if you're not going to kill yourself, then you might as well figure out what is going to make our life least miserable, instead of hoping everything's going to change someday and you will feel "normal."

so instead of trying to feel not "like this" or "normal", just try to minimize your misery and feel less depressed. people who have mental illnesses for as long as you've had generally don't get to be "normal." but some of them can be "pretty okay" or "better than before".

So, great! I should be so grateful to only feel like complete suicidal whale shit at the bottom of the ocean 20% of the time instead of 80% of the time! Look on the bright side! It's not like you're ever really going to recover, so maybe this is as good as it gets!

I don't even know.

Maybe it's me? Am I crazy for thinking that it's possible to have a full, bright life without the spectre of depression hanging over me at every turn? I mean, is it even possible to truly beat this, even after living 20 years with it? Ellen sure doesn't seem to think so.

*not her real name

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