and i'm ready to suffer, and i'm ready to hope

So!

I was a little short on the details in my last entry, so I'm going to explain a little more about what happened on my first 'date' with Josh [DW link] / [LJ link to same entry] and then continue on with what happened on Sunday thru today.

(And yes, I've cleared this with him; he knows about my online journal and the rough sketches of what I write here, so it's all good on the consent front for me to write about this.)

( Long-ass entry about everything except the sex follows. )

Bottom line is: someone (I don't remember who, because I'm fucking exhausted right now) did ask me if I didn't think I should wait until I was ready. It's a good point, but...

Truthfully, I know myself. I know I'm never going to feel like I'm ready. I wasn't ready to leave the house, I wasn't ready to start school, I wasn't ready to volunteer. But I did all those things, and I enjoyed them.

I've been single for nearly a year and a half, but I am never ready for doing anything. I hate doing things in general, I really hate change, change has so much potential for bad. It's also a potentially very good thing, but anx-brain can only focus on bad bad bad.

If my brain would just shut the fuck up about how everything's going to go wrong and this is way too intense too fast and we are not adhering to the appropriate schedule (I don't even think I know what that is, but far be it from my worrisome side to consider petty logic) and no one could possibly ever be interested in me, I'd be pretty fucking ecstatic.

Truth be told, I think I might be pretty fucking ecstatic anyway. Because, while with greater knowledge of how fucked up my relationships were in the past, comes greater anxiety about getting into something that could potentially be as bad——like with great power comes great responsibility——and I am now apparently Relationship Spider-girl or something.

And yes, it's unfortunate that Relationship Spider-girl's spidey-sense is always flashing on DANGER, but relationships are chancy! Things can always go wrong!

And yet, I really don't have a choice, because if I want to try (and I do), I have to be comfortable with that. I have to be okay with savoring however long this lasts, and even though I want this to last a long time, I think I'll be okay if it doesn't.

Besides, as disgustingly corporate and/or psychobabble-like as this sounds, this whole situation? Total growth opportunity.

And for those of you who are eagerly awaiting the prurient details
that entry will probably be written tomorrow!
if you requested to be on the sex filter, you've been added
if you didn't request because you don't think you know me well enough or vice versa,
it doesn't matter, I'm not trying to keep people out based on that,
it's more like "I don't want someone who reads DW/LJ at work to get in trouble or who's not interested in this [or god forbid, triggered by it] to be tempted to read it."
So yeah, if you didn't already ask and you are interested in the sex details,
leave a screened comment on my last entry [DW/LJ].