please remember, people, that no matter who you are, and what you do to live, thrive & survive

there are still some things that make us all the same
you, me—them—everybody... EVERYBODY!

So here's what being on the recovery path in terms of mental illness [link is to an outside site that shares a definition of recovery that works for me] feels like for me right now:

It's fucking weird.

I have more self-awareness when upset. I can identify, by myself, that even though I'm very emotionally overwhelmed, I may not be seeing things logically, even if what I'm upset about feels self-evident. I can identify that my brain may be lying to me, or exaggerating, or I may have other things going on that are making [experience] more upsetting than it would normally be.

I check in much less with other people (generally my close friends) about whether my emotions are "okay" or "reasonable." I accept that sometimes or often my emotions can seem out of place or extreme, but that they aren't necessarily 'wrong' or 'bad'.

I can, in general, reach out for help. I'm still having a lot of trouble accepting help, but with people I trust, I can say "I'm feeling X" or "Can I talk about Y" which... literally I could not do before.

I'm slowly accepting a lot of things. I can feel myself accepting them, which is super fucking bizarre, I just want to say, but feels more sustainable and growth-like than the initial 'zing' of an epiphany.

I'm accepting things about my relationships with other people: it's Okay to have a relationship where you don't immediately get everything you want; it's Okay to have a acquaintanceship where you don't really want all that much from the other person besides their companionship sometimes; it's Okay to not like some aspects of the people you call your friends; basically ANYTHING is Okay in any relationship as long as you treat the other person with respect and compassion and ideally view them as an equal.

I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that romantic relationships don't have to be a surgical graft of myself to someone to guarantee that they won't abandon me; that it's okay to have disagreements, even bad ones. It feels strange and insupportable, and yet ... at the same time it also feels understandable, reasonable, and emotionally mature.

I know now that setting boundaries and enforcing them are my responsibility, my right, and my DUTY to myself. I have begun to truly believe that I deserve to be treated with respect. Likewise, it's okay for me to refuse to have people in my life who are disrespectful of my needs and boundaries. I'm not sure I know exactly how to set and maintain boundaries yet, not even at the bare minimum of mediocre, but I recognize the necessity of taking care of myself.

I recognize the necessity of taking care of myself. I just want to repeat that.

As regards myself, I think I do have some good qualities. I'm not entirely sure that I know for certain what they are yet, but ... it's interesting to contemplate what things I might like about myself. What do I think I do well? What do I actually do poorly, as opposed to what I've been telling myself I do poorly?

I would like to believe that I'm just as worthy as any other person, but I'm not quite there. Maybe soon.

I'm also capable of writing an entry like this now of my own volition. Seriously. I'm not sure I would've been able to do this at any point in the past.

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On a related note, you can give me some positive adjectives you think describe me via a johari window*, and if you're okay with doing it, there are some critical adjectives that might describe me here. It's pretty much a survey—what do I think my most prominent positive/negative traits are vs what you think they might be.

You can choose a pseudonym, use your own name, stay anon, whatever. I'd prefer you use your LJ/DW username if possible, but if you don't feel ok with that, that's fine, I've already got a few 'anon's!

*Yeah, I was surprised that site was still around when I referenced it earlier tonight too. It was way big on LJ back in 2006, according to my archives. I still have the username for my old windows, and if enough people take the new ones, I might do a comparison. I think that could be pretty interesting.

you need somewhere to start— i will be here

Signs you have spent too much* time on Dreamwidth:

*too much time on DW? is that even a thing that is possible?

Alternate Title: Things Dreamwidth Does Right, both as a company and as a community

Real Title: The Ways Dreamwidth Has Infilitrated My Brain Personally, Even Though This Is In Second Person

Companies that don't explain why stuff is broken or give any explanation for downtime confuse you and make you go elsewhere. Really, how can you trust a fail won't happen again if they don't tell you that they know what's wrong?

Open source just makes sense.* (*In my defense, I've always thought this, but it's definitely gotten 'worse'.)

You're happy to pay for things done right, and you quite possibly spend more money than is really "required" to pay for services because you actually like the company.

Speaking of which, you now consider whether you actually like the company's business ethics before you make large purchases. Or small ones.

You have seriously changed your diet in any of the following ways: vegan, organic, cage-free, free-range meat, gluten/allergen-free. Perhaps you experiment with subscribing to a CSA, starting your own garden, contributing via a community garden, preferentially purchasing cruelty-free cosmetics [or ONLY doing so], and similar. This can be partially attributed to the fact that you didn't really know this stuff existed before you hung out online with people who were more aware in general.

You seriously contemplate whether you should split an email thread to include a trigger warning in the new subject, but eventually decide not to because sometimes the first line of the email is auto-displayed ANYWAY. This makes you sad, because you don't want to upset the people you're communicating with.

You get frustrated and possibly angry when your great suggestion about [Idea|Product|Company] is not carefully & lovingly considered, then discussed and/or voted upon by the people who actually use [noun], and, if software-based, entered into a feature/bug-list on an publicly-accessible codebase for implementation where you can contribute to it yourself should you be able to do so.
Instead, your beautiful suggestion appears to disappear down a black hole and is never heard from again. This may also make you sadfaces.

People who respond to your gentle noting that they are openly supporting problematic opinions, language, or actions with "fuck you, I'm not ______" seem like not only assholes, but also completely out of touch. Seriously, dudeperson, are you back in 2008 or something? Examining oneself for internal prejudice and publicly apologizing when you cross a line? That's like, so in.

The supposedly 'runaway unexpected success' of Kickstarter surprised you not one bit. (I was reading an article about this in Newsweek at my endocrinologist appointment today. It was hilarious because the entire article was written in this tone of OMG PEOPLE ACTUALLY WILL STILL PAY FOR CREATIVE ENDEAVORS THEY WANT TO SUPPORT. Um, yep...?)

You actively try to contribute to the economic betterment of people that you know are in need, and in your opinion, Modest Needs doesn't go far enough as a charity. (And you note that they seem to be pandering to the "boot-strap" theorists out there. >_>)

You have no impairments that would ordinarily make it difficult to use a computer, but you still spend a larger amount of time than "none*" thinking about accessibility (and/or implementing it in ways such as descriptions of graphics you post) regardless, because ... duh, of course people should be able to get what you're saying, no matter how they're using the Internet.
*None appears to be how much time MOST sites think about this. ... yeah, rolling my eyes too.

Wait, women and/or people who are new to programming but demonstrate interest in learning to program aren't typically actively recruited as programmers? Why?! A convert is the best evangelist!

Okay, seriously, why would anyone choose to spend a lot of time online somewhere where they can't directly reach the head honchos or at the VERY LEAST someone who can help you with whatever problem you're having? (See: reddit, 4chan, facebook, etc. <_<)

You can't remember the last time you read your LJ friends page as like, a LJ friends page. You just go to the journals of the people you like there that remain extremely stubborn.

Subscribe and access make so much fucking sense.

You have converted at least one person to the point where they just gave up and deleted their LJ because everyone here is pretty much awesome.

You ran your own friending meme.

You watched a video on MRA/PuA hatetrolls attacking a woman blogger based on her size... because she dared to make video about not liking an oreo cookie. Basically, she was fat online and didn't appear to hate herself. (Sorry, I can't find the link, because I haven't slept like more than 9 hours in the last 48, but it was a big speech that was pretty moving.) And you think "God, I'm so glad I'm not afraid to read my own comments."

You no longer have to feel the need to read site updates obsessively to TRY to figure out how you're going to be screwed over next and then read the comments to see if some kind person has taken the time to explain how bad it really is and what they didn't tell you. (I'm not naming names here... I'm sure no one has any idea what service I might be talking about! Although, to be fair, this applies to... let's see, Facebook, Google, ummmm basically EVERY CORPORATION THAT WANTS TO USE YOU AS A PRODUCT...)

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Feel free to add your own!

This entry was not crossposted for obvious reasons.
:P