the closest thing to perfect (but the farthest thing from me)

[erika]

Warning: Rant. The thoughts and feelings contained herein have been building up for awhile. Don't assume this is in reaction to anything I've linked to here. It's more a reaction to ... everything.

---

There's something dreadful about online relationships.

We all know there's something dreadful about online relationships. I might try to deny it, but the truth is that there's something dreadful about online relationships. And it's not the first thing that comes to people's minds, either. It isn't that you can't touch the person, it isn't whether you can't find out that the person is real, it isn't that you can't kiss the person or have sex with them, and it isn't that you can't wake up with the person and go to sleep with the person.

The truly dreadful thing about online relationships is the way anyone who matters to you is probably going to assume that you're crazy for being in one.

I wake up in the morning, (heh, or whenever, which is probably not morning, come to think of it), and I read this. I read this. And I look at my silly little trillian icon in the corner of my screen, and I wonder whether clicking the two little globes to connect to the rest of the world (and England, especially) is even worth it.

So I check my e'mail and I find this. And I cry. I cry, not necessarily tears, but my heart sighs, my brain boggles because there are still so many people out there who don't get it.

And I can't understand why I even bother to try to explain this to friends who don't understand that I need their support. Some of the truest friends I have have tried to set me straight about all of this, and broke my heart in the process. (And ironically enough, they're usually online friends.) (Hey, Alanis, I used the word ironically correctly! Do I get a cookie?)

And you know what? You guys really do seem so right. I see ideas like "settle for words on a screen", thoughts like "impossible to trust anyone online". "Why should people I've never met affect my feelings?" "You can't know that you love someone if you've never met them." It's hopeful but, somehow, depressingly so when he says "Jenna was a hoax, and yes, Kaycee was a hoax too" and yet "I'll continue to trust people online, because the alternative is far worse".

But still, no, I don't think you're right, but I couldn't tell you why. I've tried over and over again to explain this, and yet everyone keeps offering me the same tidbits in return, the same dull repartee that seems to explain everything in their eyes.

Yes, it's utterly awful to not be able to touch the people that you love. To offer *hugs* and not wrap your arms around the boy, snuggle your nose into his collarbone, into that perfect spot that smells of soap and boy, to giggle and pull him into the bed with you.

Yes, it's utterly depressing to realize that the only way I'm going to be able to do any of that is if we expend huge amounts of money, and the fact that I can't get a fucking job, no matter that I've been trying so damn hard... no, that doesn't help either.

No, I don't enjoy the fact that every moment we talk is another £.03 out of his pocket, or another $.10 out of mine. That we can only communicate via phone or text boxes that flash on my taskbar, honk in my ear until I get annoyed (so easily irritated, me) and click, click, click: play sounds turned off.

But you know what really doesn't help?

(The way that I'm scared to tell my mother that we need to go get me a new passport, because I'm going to England, damnit, and have her look at me and wonder if I've hooked up with an axe murderer.)

The way I have to explain this anew, every day, to people who think that because I am currently in an online relationship, I'm naïve enough to think that everything will be okay, I'm dumb enough to be stupidly optimistic and just blindly trust that things will all work out. To people to whom the word "love" could never, ever, ever come from a long distance relationship, and well, if YOU think so, well, I'm gonna pretend to be a good friend and hope it works out, but damnit, you didn't seem stupid, and you really should know better.

And you think I don't know how much online relationships suck? How much they just FLAT OUT suck? How much the distance interferes with your sanity (haha, yes, saveyoursanity, I got the joke before anyone, 'kay?), how much the miles or kilometres or whatever come between you until you want to rip out your hair, until you want to cry, until you want to leave the house and start walking, damnit, except... except there's still an ocean between you. Except, except you know you have to go back, angrily click on the computer, watch the blinkenlights and the text scroll, the happy little progress bars and then roughly tap out "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine." Because my friends' thoughts and feelings matter to me, damnit, no matter how they're transmitted.

I read Control Revolution, by Andrew L. Shapiro, about the evolution of the Internet, and how we're soon going to have complete control over this medium which has become a major part of our lives. And one phrase he used to describe this place of cyberspace sticks in my mind, and I'd like to share that phrase with you now: "Lens."

The Internet is not an Elsewhere, to be protected. It is an Everywhere. The Internet has become the lens through which we view the world.

The world, increasingly, is a truly global world, a world where a package can be shipped anywhere for 2.50, 4 if you want to pay for an airplane. There are still packets of jungle, but they're becoming increasingly fewer and farther between. And if you take your laptop, with your cellular modem, you can still surf the web from Madagascar.

I make plans and have a deep conversation with my best friend over AIM and twenty minutes later she comes over and picks me up and we watch some fluffy movie. Which interaction has more value?

There are people that live in my town, whom I only know through livejournal. There are people around the world, whom I only know through livejournal. What's the difference? One requires a five minute walk, the other -- a 15 hour plane ride. Well, I'm sorry, but the likelihood of me meeting either is incredibly low. I'm lazy like that.

But goddamnit, just because I have only tapped out words to these people, or laughed and joked with them on the phone, doesn't make my interactions with them any less real, and I'm tired of explaining it.

I didn't sign up to be a pioneer or a iconoclast. I don't want to have to battle some stereotype created by Hollywood and the general public's view of the Internet as some magical miasmic mist created and populated solely by hackers who drink Jolt and never eat anything that can't be microwaved.

Maybe I'm just hoping the day will come when I say, with actual pride, "I met Joe through the Internet" and that doesn't automagically translate in everyone's minds to "I am a horny, ugly loser who can't get a date in real life".

Two people fell in love one day. Does it matter how?

Comments

[fresita.livejournal.com]

There's a lot to say to that entry... A lot... First off, about your link to that guy and he hoax... yes, the internet is bad, wah wah, people lie. PEOPLE LIE IN REAL LIFE, why does everyone seem to forget that? Remember, I'm the one who was in the perfect relationship with a boy that slept with half of my friends IN MY BED, IN MY APARTMENT. And that guy, he's not even like "woe is me". He's like, "yep, suckered again" but he's going to try to keep trusting. JUST LIKE IN AN OFFLINE RELATIONSHIP. You can't become bitter because you've been lied to...

Second, I think we've talked about this... let me start with this question though... do you love Joe? Then WHO CARESSS what your friends think? No one knows your feelings better than you do. No one can say you're nuts, no one has the right to call you weird. If you've been lucky enough to find something some people look for all their lives, then ignore the snide comments... the giggles, everything. I have. And I've made him as much a part of my life as I can, talking to my best friend, to my mom, etc.

You'll meet him someday, Erkia, if this was something that was "meant to be" or if it's something you care enough about to fight for.

Don't ever doubt him, that's the worst thing you could ever do to yourself. (That last bit has nothing to do with your post, it's just free advice. ;D )

[fresita.livejournal.com]

Um, E-r-i-k-a, d'oh.

[soshesays.livejournal.com]

Wow.

You know how strong you are?

One whole lot.

I admire you like nothing else, seriously. And I'm so glad you decided to actually use your livejournal back in February, if only for this entry, which has provided me with more food for thought than anything else for a long time.

[erika]

Thank you so much, dear, your good opinion means more to me than I can say. It's something that's been a long time in coming, obviously. It just really bugs me that people can just brush off such a innovative medium (as if you didn't get it from the entry, heh) and think that nothing online is real.

[giovecozza.livejournal.com]

So much of what you have said in this entry holds true for me -- as someone who is in an online relationship. At times I wonder what people must be thinking when I say "I met my current boyfriend on the internet...erm..he lives near Boston...." - I always assume that they are thinking that I am a geeky loser that simply could not find a significant other in 'real life'. However, after four months of working away at it I find that I no longer care if my coworkers think it's funny that I can spread my love over the miles like that (or, even that one of them thinks that my boyfriend is a figment of my imagination)....because we're in this for us. We've come upon the conclusion that it is much better that we met this way, because we haven't become deluded with the physical, fleshy side of the realtionship --- we got to know each other via words first, and as thus we have very open communcation. I think we are a stronger couple for it.

*smile* I have gone on for long enough, me thinks. And (being the early hour that it is), I doubt that I have made very much sense. But, I wish you luck in your relationship nonetheless -- and I most certainly do not think that you are a "horny, ugly loser who can't get a date in real life". ^_^ You rock.

[erika]

Thank you. And YES, I heartily agree -- so many people focus on what LD-O (long distance, online) relationships are lacking, and they don't focus on the benefits, like the depth that may be achieved when the focus is on communication.

[joham.livejournal.com]

Wow.

That is all.

[joham.livejournal.com]

Maybe I should add a postscript:

that entry is one of those things you read and when you get to end you
realise you've been feeling that all along, but just couldn't articulate it.

Or a less convoluted sentence.

I have articulation problems. I bend easily enough, but I'm useless with words.

I love that entry.

[ex-lilwitch415.livejournal.com]

I knew my latest entry would be linked even before I clicked the link to read more. I just knew. My first reaction was to apologize, though I have no idea why. I love you and I wish you all the happiness in the world. That's really all that matters.

[erika]

No no no no no no no. Don't apologize. Your entry was actually one of the most thoughtful and least biased commentaries on online relationships I've read in a long time. Yours & Cyn's.

Don't apologize, darling. I fear I may have offended you. What you really did was help me crystallize some of the thoughts that've been rattling around in this crazy brain of mine.

[newscane.livejournal.com]

The Internet is not an Elsewhere, to be protected. It is an Everywhere. The Internet has become the lens through which we view the world.

good line.

[erika]

Thank you. You'd probably enjoy his book: that's almost a direct paraphrase. It would be more direct except I returned the book to the library a long time ago.

[aime.livejournal.com]

Two people fell in love one day. Does it matter how?

Come to think of it, no, it doesn't.

You've boiled it down to the essentials and scrapped away all the crazy stuff. Thank you dear. This is something I'll always remember.

[erika]

Thank you. Thank you so very very much.

Wow

[lamasery.livejournal.com]

You know, before I read your entry my frame of mind was pretty much the same as those who you were speaking against. I guess no one ever explained or put forth their feelings about online romances in such a passionate and compelling way. Thank you for that. I now feel I understand better what some of my friends are going through. I have to be honest, Im not a big believer in online romances. I dont, however believe in putting someone down for choosing that path. I try not to oppose those that I know who are in online romances too much, but still..I cant help not getting concerned for them.

life is a risk. in the end, nothing else really matter except what YOU choose and what YOU want. fly with your dreams and wishes is all I can say....

Re: Wow

[erika]

Thank you. I'm proud that I could, in some small way, change your mind.

[jezaurelle.livejournal.com]

I had to comment. Because I am totally with you. You wrote this wonderfully.. and I couldn't have said it any better.

Maybe I'm just hoping the day will come when I say, with actual pride, "I met Joe through the Internet"

It's taken Darren and me so long to get to where we are now. I still can't say the above with pride, though. I shy away from telling people and isn't that awful? I wish you and Joe the best of luck. I will always believe that these are the relationships that, if successful through so much difficulty, are the strongest. You appreciate each other more. You love each other more to cover the distance. It is something to be very proud of.

[erika]

I have a friend of mine who met her boyfriend through the Internet, too, but whenever asked, she always says "through friends". Something about that makes me very sad.

Thank you for reminding me that I have something to be proud of. Because I do. And people tell me I'm so strong -- but it was so perfectly easy to fall in love with him, I didn't even realize I had until I started fighting against it. What's strong is to keep the relationship going, and so far we're doing a damn good job.

It so totally works sometimes...

[collisions.livejournal.com]

In March of 2001, I started bouncing email back and forth with someone who'd written to me off of some post I'd made on Diary-L.

This morning, I watched her sleep for a while, her skin bathed in the cool grey light of dawn.

Gods, the time in between was hard in spots. We spent a summer pining for one another. We've overcome tremendous obstacles to get where we are. But in a few minutes I'm going to wake her up and I get to do that every morning for the rest of forever.

It works sometimes. Sure, it fails miserably sometimes, too. People get burned and they write about it and other people point and suddenly it looks like online relationships always lead to heartache.

Bullshit.

It's easier to conceal truths online, but it's only that: easier. And that's starting to go away, too, as our presence online becomes more real through the increasingly pervasive grasp technology has on the way we live. That guy in the bar last night - does he really have that impressive a job? That woman in the bookstore cafe - was she really single? It's not like having talked to someone face-to-face gives one any guarantee of the truth of their words.

It sounds like you certainly don't need anyone to say this to you, but...just be happy, and be strong, and don't let anyone take away your joy just because they had a bad experience.

Because wow, it works sometimes. And those times make everything worth it.

Re: It so totally works sometimes...

[erika]

That's so completely beautiful. Wow. Wow.

You know, I do use you guys for inspiration. It's like "holy shit, this CAN happen". It's amazingly cool that such wonderful people met through the Internet and everything -- seems like all I ever hear about is cyberstalkers and psycho axe murderers -- it's amazing to think that normal, every day, extraordinary people can meet here too. And you guys did -- and you're beautiful together.

[kaela.livejournal.com]

Am I on another planet? Because I never made the connection before that you were the same Erika from 3WA. Heh, good morning kaela.

[erika]

Heh, I don't broadcast it. I should probably stick it in my userinfo or something. But yep -- me and jo_ham.

[exitseraphim.livejournal.com]

Two people fell in love one day. Does it matter how?

AMEN.

I'm currently in a relationship with a really super incredible amazing guy that I met online- and I'm more in love than I ever thought I could be. I've received a fair amount of shit about it- but I believe it will work out, I really honestly do.

And I wish you the best.

[erika]

Awwww. I wish you all the best too!

[drowningjuliet.livejournal.com]

Two people fell in love one day. Does it matter how?

..you're entirely right.

i'm amy.
and i'm intrigued by you. :)

[erika]

Why, thank you. And I, in turn, both appreciate the compliment and return it your direction. I'm Erika, and I'm pleased to meet you.

[opheim.livejournal.com]

I have never read any of your entries prior to this I think, just comments you had made on journals I would read.

But I'm in awe from reading this. Especially the last line you wrote in this entry.

[erika]

Thank you very much.

[lemonade.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has already said what I think, but that's okay.

I have to say I'm in awe of you. I couldn't cope with an online relationship, it's so much more emotional than an offline relationship, and requires actual devotion. I think that just proves the depth of online relationships, the two parties involved are probably closer than many in offline relationships!

[erika]

Thank you very much. You make a very sweet point.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you wrote that. I just linked to it.

I can't say my online relationships have been perfect, but I think on the whole they've been noticeably more rewarding than my offline ones.

I don't do offline ones anymore. Offline relationships don't work.

[erika]

Thank you so very much. It's always a pleasure to have work that's so close to my heart appreciated. And thank you as well for linking to it, that's a very high compliment.

[cityskyline.livejournal.com]

queerbychoice linked this particular entry, & i followed it.

...just because I have only tapped out words to these people, or laughed and joked with them on the phone, doesn't make my interactions with them any less real....

you'd think it'd be common sense; i guess not. in any case, thanks for the post.

[erika]

And thank YOU for appreciating it.

[booklectica]

I followed this link through queerbychoice's journal too, and it's been very thought-provoking. Thank you.

A friend of mine met someone through an online game, about seven years ago. He was in England and very shy, she was in America and in a wheelchair - at that point, the best way for them to meet people was through the net. He went over to the US to meet her, she came back here to visit them; and about four years ago, I was best man at their wedding.

So I've never doubted that online relationships can lead to face-to-face ones. But I think I'd always had a prejudice against purely online relationships that didn't turn into offline ones - thank you for making me realise that it's a prejudice I should get over.

[erika]

In my mind, I equate purely online relationships to be on a level with purely physical relationships. In each case, one has a tendency to use the other person to fulfill a need (companionship or sex), and not to appreciate them on their own merits and build a mutually affectionate & deeper relationship off that.

We all have prejudices, and I'm certainly not saying that online relationships are the only ones that could ever work. But it really bothers me (obviously!) when people judge relationships based not on the "content of their character" but on the medium through which said relationship happens to take place.

Thank you for your comment, and your thorough consideration of my points.

[schnickelfritz.livejournal.com]

I found this through queerbychoice's journal as well. I just dropped my boyfriend off at the airport about three and a half hours ago, after meeting him in person for the first time on Wednesday the 12th.

He lives 700 miles away in another country, no one I knew online OR in person had ever actually met him, and I met him through chance on LiveJournal. I spent and spent and spent money to buy phone cards, to pay his passport fees, to buy the plane tickets, and to just send him money when he suddenly needed it, because when you're involved with someone who truly struggles to have enough money for food every month (and usually doesn't manage it), that's the only option. At age 17, I meddled with a happy, successful two-year monogamous relationship to become (???) polyamorous, because my feelings for him were too strong for me to ignore or to choose. I lied about or concealed the status of my relationship with him to nearly everyone except my boyfriend-of-two-years because of this... which is why I'm not posting this with my real account.

Tonight, I'm back to checking flight prices for later this summer. On Monday, he starts studying math and hopes that the still-unexplained seizures that completely destroyed his math skills several years ago won't make it impossible for him to learn it again... because he needs to be able to do math to get a degree from a local community college, get a decent job, save money, get a visa, and... move? Yes. Move...

Online relationships have the potential for spectacular, unbelievable failures... as well as spectacular, unbelievable successes. Take people's concerns seriously, and do what you can to address them. But if the concerns don't involve much more than, "it's an online relationship," there's very little reason to do that.

Incidentally... CallingCards.com (http://www.callingcards.com) - the best rates I have yet been able to find. $10 = 5h 42 min to Canada. Yes, I've used an entire one up at once. this (http://www.callingcards.com/shopping/card_profile.asp?TC=UT) is the one I use, which also has great rates to England. The surcharge they mention in the description only applies to domestic calls. It doesn't disconnect, like a lot of them do.

[erika]

After reading your reply, my first reaction was shock and amazement. It astounds me that someone could go to those heights & depths for anyone, let alone someone they met and were interacting with solely through the Internet. That's absolutely incredible of you, and I'm honored you chose to comment. I do, as well, agree with what you have to say, but just the sheer SCOPE of how your actions backed your words -- that's spectacular, to use your word.

If you feel comfortable, I'd like to read your real journal and get to know you better. Feel free to e'mail me ( eamb@lycos.com ) as you obviously don't feel comfortable associating your comments here with your real LJ.

[cd332.livejournal.com]

On the flip side, there are people who you meet in the flesh who could still be hoaxes. As ready to believe anyone's b.s. as I am, I'm surprise hta most of the people I have met online are probably just as they make themselves out to be in real life. Perhaps it's because I don't go for the high drama personalities, who have a greater likelihood to be prefabricated on some part.

[erika]

Right. People whine about how online-transitioning to offline is oh so dangerous, but you could get killed walking down the street. Most of us just manage to forget that, because walking down the street is so normal that if we truly thought about the risk, it'd be hard to leave the house. Life is risks.

[deathbystereo.livejournal.com]

I probably never would have believed that love could happen online. Until it happened to me, that is. It was difficult, extremely so. 10 hour phone conversations cost money. 23 hour online conversations make your eyes hurt and fingers ache. And sometimes you're so desperate to hold them that you're practically hugging the monitor. But it's worth it, because it's love, and love is worth almost anything.

I got my fingers well and truly burned with my first experience of online love, and it's going to be a long time before I'm completely over it I'm sure. But that hasn't stopped me being open to the experience any more than being hurt in 'real life' (such a pejorative term...) would make me avoid all human contact. Which is why this Friday I'm flying to San Francisco. To give love a chance. Because who knows? This might be it, and if it wasn't for the internet then it never could have happened.

I found this post through queerbychoice's journal and I'm very glad I did. It says everything I've been thinking. Thank you.

And, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best. It's worth it, it really is. But then, you already know that :)

[deathbystereo.livejournal.com]

I found this post through 's journal

queerbychoice disappeared from that for some reason...

[jibakushounen.livejournal.com]

Found by a link in cooan's journal.

And really, it's everything I've wanted to say and never had the patience to. Every time I try to collect my thoughts on the issue, I get so angry and frustrated that my thoughts come out juvenile and contradictory. I really hope you don't mind if I refer people to this entry if I ever have to explain how I feel about online relationships.

While my situation is a bit closer (coast to coast, not States to Britain) it's the same pain we all have to feel either way, and the same misunderstandings and snide remarks we get when discussing the issue, so I guess there's some kind of suport group atmosphere here. Not being alone in my thoughts on the issue is a great feeling.

[zrosan.livejournal.com]

I wanna say, right here and now, I know how you feel...

My girlfriend lives 26 hours away from me. I've never meet her in person, only talked to her on the phone or online, but I still love her more then my friends and family think I should.

I, in all senserity, hope EVERYTHING works out for you. I hope you live a long, and VERY happy life, with your love... no matter where you meet them.

Agree

[majgie-cat.livejournal.com]

Okay you said everything I've been thinking. You know it's crazy, if I ever got caught with a normal close bf i'd get grounded for a month. I get cought with my LD bf I get banned from everything electric until university... I just wish I could acctually show them your rant and not get in shit for opposing them because I swear that's the best way to put what ALOT of online people think and want to say. I wish you the best to you and yours where ever you may be; and I wish you best wishes in all of your endevors.

[maite.livejournal.com]

Only thing I can say is your damned if you do and your damned if you don't.
Life is unfourtunatly full of dissapointment. Having a lover over the internet or anyother way you chose to, you leave yourslef open reguardless.
You just have to take a chance and becareful at the same time. You can't just give up because your afraid to get hurt you might miss out on something wonderful. The key is just to make sure your safety is frist.
If your in love or infacuated with someone online you can't help it. Even having the person right next to you still wont guarntee him/her being faithful and true with their feelings. Love id probably the most painful thing in life no matter what way, shape, or form it comes in. Lies, decite, and humilation will happen out in the world if you meet a jerk, the internet has it share of jerks, but a jerk is still a jerk even when he's not behind a computer. Love is risky you have to take a chance but keep your eyes open at all times.
I wish you good luck and I hope find true love and happiness in every form ^_^.

[malkaia.livejournal.com]

I read it...I still find online relationships stupid. But that's just personal opinion, you're welcome to try 'em. Hell, I find a large majority of long distance relationships stupid, as do I find many of the "serious" relationships at my high school. But I don't tell people they can't try to meet people through any medium they care to use :p The way my luck's going so far I'm gonna die a virgin.