little darling, it's been a long and lonely winter

[erika]

I broke down earlier and told him that I wanted to leave because I thought he deserved better. He got pissed and then he hugged me and kissed me and told me that he's not going anywhere, goddamnit.

Austin is continuing to beat into my head that he loves me and that a few bad days/weeks/months over the course of years isn't going to make him run or stop loving me. It's hard because I don't really trust that; I don't know why--it's not like my parents abandoned me or something.

I guess just deep down I find it really difficult to believe that I'm worth it. but I'm working on it. It's the disease, I know that, but goddamn it's so fucking insidious, just chip-chip-chipping away at the foundation of my house I've been working so hard to build.