little darling, it's been a long and lonely winter

[erika]

I broke down earlier and told him that I wanted to leave because I thought he deserved better. He got pissed and then he hugged me and kissed me and told me that he's not going anywhere, goddamnit.

Austin is continuing to beat into my head that he loves me and that a few bad days/weeks/months over the course of years isn't going to make him run or stop loving me. It's hard because I don't really trust that; I don't know why--it's not like my parents abandoned me or something.

I guess just deep down I find it really difficult to believe that I'm worth it. but I'm working on it. It's the disease, I know that, but goddamn it's so fucking insidious, just chip-chip-chipping away at the foundation of my house I've been working so hard to build.

Comments

[yirimyah.livejournal.com]

it's hard to be self-aware sometimes.

[erika]

ignorance is bliss, i swear sometimes.

i feel the same

[(Anonymous)]

it's so hard to believe that someone is really in it for the long run. i too hate irritating people who love me...and i always feel like they deserve better than being with me. thanks for expressing this too.

same exact feeling

[(Anonymous)]

i never really thought about that, but it's true, i am always afraid that i will be abandoned, but no one close to me has ever abandoned me...instead i push them away first. it is hard to believe. have you heard blue october's song "picking up pieces"...it's how i feel
http://www.metrolyrics.com/picking-up-pieces-lyrics-blue-october.html

Re: same exact feeling

[(Anonymous)]

from ~waves~ (I don't know why i can't make up a real ID, but I want to, I just read your blog and felt it hit me home so much that I had to respond)

Re: same exact feeling

[erika]

Thank you for responding! I hope you do make up an id, I'd love to continue the conversation.

I'm downloading Picking Up Pieces right now.

Re: same exact feeling

[(Anonymous)]

i still can not make up an account, so for now i'll just sign my posts. i hope you liked pieces of me. blue october echos some of my thoughts so well. i love them!