my heart keeps beating like a hammer

[erika]

Therapist report:

I went in with 2 questions: what are my therapeutic goals? And how do I measure progress in a way that makes me actually feel like I’m making some?

Goals:

• for me to be more confident


• more able to "encapsulate" my depression—what it is, how it affects me, why I feel the way I feel, to Know that it's not part of the “real” me (for lack of a better term, obviously the real me is both the me with depression & the me “if” the depression had never existed, but this is getting existential and kind of long for a parathetical)


• less B/W thinking


• clearer balance (I don't remember what this means exactly. I think it means that I need to have a better balance between "my depression" and "me" as opposed to having it be EVERYTHING, see next point)


• normalizing my mood shifts (i.e. making me feel that sometimes a shifting mood is Okay, rather than OMG I'M GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN, FIRE ZEE MISSILES*)

---

Good things I am doing to combat my depression, yay: continue to get connected with people, get face to face time with people, and especially get involved with my life, rather than being a passive bystander.

---

Therapist wants to know: Why do I immediately go from "shit, I'm in a bad mood" to "I should kill myself, now that is a GENIUS idea?" (Paraphrasing obvs.)
(She suggests challenging this with “just because I’m depressed, I don’t have to give up on my life.” “This too shall pass.” or if I can’t even make it that far, she liked my suggestion of “at least I’m not a serial killer.”** And then the next time after that, “at least I’m not a murderer.” and then “At least I’m not [whatever is less bad than murdering people, haven’t figured this one out yet, taking suggestions].”)

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How I can figure out I'm making progress:

• continue to be like "Oh hey, how would I have reacted a year ago? I would have done X, which is ... not as good/healthy/totally awesome as Y, which is what I actually did.”


• hearing other people talk about the progress I’ve made and NOT DISCOUNTING IT


• challenging perfectionism of where I think I should be. Perfectionism is like having an airbrushed model (ew, I am totally against airbrushed models) in front of you all the time. STRIKE THAT SHIT OUT.

*but i am le tired.
(p.s. if you haven't seen
the end of the world
vid i just linked
WATCH IT
YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED)

**[Side thought:
I’m against the death penalty,
yet I’m ... suicidal...
...
...
I’m going to have to
think about that one.]