my heart keeps beating like a hammer

[erika]

Therapist report:

I went in with 2 questions: what are my therapeutic goals? And how do I measure progress in a way that makes me actually feel like I’m making some?

Goals:

• for me to be more confident


• more able to "encapsulate" my depression—what it is, how it affects me, why I feel the way I feel, to Know that it's not part of the “real” me (for lack of a better term, obviously the real me is both the me with depression & the me “if” the depression had never existed, but this is getting existential and kind of long for a parathetical)


• less B/W thinking


• clearer balance (I don't remember what this means exactly. I think it means that I need to have a better balance between "my depression" and "me" as opposed to having it be EVERYTHING, see next point)


• normalizing my mood shifts (i.e. making me feel that sometimes a shifting mood is Okay, rather than OMG I'M GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN, FIRE ZEE MISSILES*)

---

Good things I am doing to combat my depression, yay: continue to get connected with people, get face to face time with people, and especially get involved with my life, rather than being a passive bystander.

---

Therapist wants to know: Why do I immediately go from "shit, I'm in a bad mood" to "I should kill myself, now that is a GENIUS idea?" (Paraphrasing obvs.)
(She suggests challenging this with “just because I’m depressed, I don’t have to give up on my life.” “This too shall pass.” or if I can’t even make it that far, she liked my suggestion of “at least I’m not a serial killer.”** And then the next time after that, “at least I’m not a murderer.” and then “At least I’m not [whatever is less bad than murdering people, haven’t figured this one out yet, taking suggestions].”)

---

How I can figure out I'm making progress:

• continue to be like "Oh hey, how would I have reacted a year ago? I would have done X, which is ... not as good/healthy/totally awesome as Y, which is what I actually did.”


• hearing other people talk about the progress I’ve made and NOT DISCOUNTING IT


• challenging perfectionism of where I think I should be. Perfectionism is like having an airbrushed model (ew, I am totally against airbrushed models) in front of you all the time. STRIKE THAT SHIT OUT.

*but i am le tired.
(p.s. if you haven't seen
the end of the world
vid i just linked
WATCH IT
YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED)

**[Side thought:
I’m against the death penalty,
yet I’m ... suicidal...
...
...
I’m going to have to
think about that one.]

Comments

[pandatini.livejournal.com]

panda, reporting for commenting! *salutes*

And how do I measure progress in a way that makes me actually feel like I’m making some?

I know how important this is, and also how fucking frustrating it is, because it's so hard to do. I wish I had answers, but urrrgh I don't X(

i.e. making me feel that sometimes a shifting mood is Okay, rather than OMG I'M GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN, FIRE ZEE MISSILES*

There is a word for this thing and I am gonna sit here for a long time and try to think of it now and it will bug me until I remember it!

et face to face time with people

I LIKE YOUR FACE :D Lettuce watch some Dr Who together! :D!

get involved with my life, rather than being a passive bystander.

I need this tattooed on my forehead or something. along with DON'T SLEEP YOUR LIFE AWAY.

hearing other people talk about the progress I’ve made and NOT DISCOUNTING IT

YES YOU SHOULD /LISTEN TO ME/

challenging perfectionism of where I think I should be. Perfectionism is like having an airbrushed model (ew, I am totally against airbrushed models) in front of you all the time. STRIKE THAT SHIT OUT.

Oh my god perfectionism is the enemy of like MY LIFE. I need to figure out how to fight it so hard because it like eats my brain DDDDDX

[pandatini.livejournal.com]

mindfullness! I think that was the word I was looking for! Like being able to be like "okay, I'm feeling down now" and not judge yourself for it, just accept that it is there- but just because it's there doesn't mean you have to /act/ on it either. you can be mindful that it exists without taking actions that come from it. am I making any sense? you are not there right now so you can't tell me! woo!

[erika]

panda, reporting for commenting! *salutes*

Hahaha, thank you sweetie. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

I know how important this is, and also how fucking frustrating it is, because it's so hard to do. I wish I had answers, but urrrgh I don't X(

Yeah, that's why I talked to my therapist about it. I think we're going to go over it again, or maybe I'll go over it with my SCL worker.

Like being able to be like "okay, I'm feeling down now" and not judge yourself for it, just accept that it is there- but just because it's there doesn't mean you have to /act/ on it either. you can be mindful that it exists without taking actions that come from it.

YES! This is something that my therapist has brought up with me--that it's okay to be upset or angry or sad or feeling like I want to talk to Austin, but that doesn't actually mean I need to act on those urges.

I am totes good with the Dr Who plan.

I need this tattooed on my forehead or something. along with DON'T SLEEP YOUR LIFE AWAY.

I know but it's so hard not to when I'm exhausted all the time whine whine.

YES YOU SHOULD /LISTEN TO ME/

I'M TRYING BUT IT'S HARD OK.

Oh my god perfectionism is the enemy of like MY LIFE. I need to figure out how to fight it so hard because it like eats my brain DDDDDX

The worst part of perfectionism is that I don't even want to do a shitty first draft because I think that even my first drafts should be perfect. Which is ridiculous. Fuck, so ridiculous.