tell me we both matter, don't we? (it's you and me, won't be unhappy)

[erika]

Feeling much better this morning, as I usually do. Very glad I didn't try to break up with Rob last night like was my knee-jerk reaction to feeling this bad and not wanting him to feel bad too.

Fuck I wish my therapy appts weren't every two weeks and I had one this week. (They're every 2 weeks right now because of insurance.)

I have to change. There's no other option, if I want to make this work, and I desperately want it to work because I really do care about him and love him.

So basically the problem is: When I feel like shit my first impulse is to break up with my boyfriend, Rob, because I feel like he doesn't deserve to be around someone who is constantly putting him through shit.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy hat ON.

Thoughts to combat this:
1) It's not my decision to determine what he can handle or what he can't handle. He's an adult. If he can't handle it, it's HIS responsibility to tell me.

2) as platypus said, Someone else wouldn't be you, so some non-you person without your illness would not be an acceptable substitute.

3) This is a pattern. It has nothing to do with him specifically and everything to do with my guilt over assuming that

A) he can't handle my depression / mood swings
B) he doesn't want to be burdened with my problems
C) he will be in pain when/if he tries to help and I'm not worth it
D) he could easily find someone better without my problems who would be just as good as me in every other area
E and corollary to D) he will be happier without me dragging him down
F) my depression / mood swings will always be this bad and I will never get better

Thought corrections for A: he can't handle my depression / mood swings
This thought is assuming (mind-reading), all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing.

He can handle my depression and mood swings if given the chance and the information to respond appropriately.

Thought corrections for B: he doesn't want to be burdened with my problems
This thought is the fairy-tale fantasy, making feelings facts, and shoulds (musts/oughts).

Part of being with someone is sharing their life, the good AND the bad. Pain shared is pain halved.

Thought corrections for C: when/if he tries to help, he will be in pain (and I'm not worth it)
This thought is mind-reading, jumping to conclusions.

He chooses to help me and if he is in pain, it's his responsibility to take care of it in an appropriate manner, not my burden to relieve. In addition, he clearly believes I am worth helping if he's willing to be in pain to do it.

Thought corrections for D: "He could easily find someone better without my problems who would be just as good as me in every other area."
This thought is making feelings facts and unfavorable comparisons.

Maybe he could find someone without my problems, BUT they wouldn't have my good qualities AND they'd have different problems of their own. In addition, he doesn't want to find someone "better", he loves me and wants to be with me.

silent_lorelei said: Point out to yourself the things that probably aren't easy to replace. "Plus, I'm a badass intellectual and I have the sexual stamina of a Viking, so I'm clearly not that easily replaceable."

Thought corrections for E: he will be happier without me dragging him down
This thought is fortune-telling, emotional reasoning (making feelings facts), personalization.

"If he wants to be with me, I have no right to decide he's wrong to do so."

Thought corrections for F: my depression / mood swings will always be this bad and I will never get better.
This thought is all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing and dwelling on the negative.

I have gotten better in the past, I am getting better right now, and I will continue to get better.
I am in treatment and actively working on getting better.
I am doing better now than I was six months ago, a year ago, or five years ago. I will continue this upward trend.
There may be relapses but I have proven that I can recover from them.

Comments

[jaythenerdkid]

This is all really good stuff. I'm glad you're feeling better and that you're able to think more rationally about things now.

[erika]

Thank you. It's really hard to think rationally in the moment, but as my therapist kicks my ass and tells me, I have the tools, I just have to remember to use them.

[crazypumpkin]

I struggled with an ex who also thought along the lines of number one. He would tell me regularly that he thought I was too good for him. But it was *my* choice was is good for me and isn't, and to this day it pisses me off when SOs say shit like that. I am a consenting adult capable of my own choices. If he can't handle your issues, that's his decision to make. Respect that he will make (hopefully) the choices that are right for him. While I am no longer with the ex (hence, an ex), there are a great many things I learned about myself (both good and bad) that I would not have learned if he had forced a breakup sooner than our relationship did.
Not sure if that all makes sense outside of my head, but *hugs* I hope you find what works for you and helps you be a better stronger healthier person.

[erika]

It does make complete sense.

And I certainly don't want Rob to get the idea that he really is better than me, heh.