this is the noise that keeps me awake
Monday, February 14th, 2011 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaFelt really shitty last night.
Talked toelfbabe about it. She's a good pseudo-therapist; we joked that one of us should start charging—me for teaching her how to do it and her for the therapy sessions.
Why I was feeling bad:
(12:33:18 AM)elfbabe: You've made some really amazing improvements in what you're capable of doing and how much you're able to... cope with life, I guess. Why do you think you're never going to be happy?
(12:38:57 AM) Erika: Because none of this stuff makes me happy.
(12:39:11 AM) Erika: Not the achievements at school.
(12:39:31 AM) Erika: Not the friendships I've made or re-kindled, I mean, they do a good job to keep me from sinking into total depression but——
(12:39:56 AM) Erika: Not the money.
(12:40:12 AM) Erika: I don't feel good about anything for longer than 5, maybe 10 minutes.
(12:40:54 AM) Erika: And the things I do feel good about never fucking work out, and they're all relationship shit which is stupid of me to be getting my hopes up on anyway, because eventually the high of being with someone new wears off and you just get ... this. again.
(12:47:10 AM)elfbabe: When you're in therapy, how much have you been focusing on this issue of not really being happy? As opposed to focusing on getting you to not be suicidally depressed and to be just sort of basically functional.
(12:49:37 AM) Erika: A bit in the last few months.
(12:52:41 AM) Erika: I mean, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.
(12:52:44 AM) Erika: And I'll certainly bring it up.
(12:53:11 AM) Erika: I just ... I just fucking hate myself. I really wish I were dead.
(12:53:20 AM) Erika: I'm not going to kill myself, I think therapy has beaten that out of me.
(12:53:23 AM) Erika: I just wish I could.
(12:54:36 AM)elfbabe: this seems more complex than just being convinced that you can't really be happy in the long term. what about this is making you hate yourself?
(12:55:12 AM) Erika: lol, you should be charging me for this shit :P
(12:56:08 AM) Erika: I don't know.
(12:56:36 AM) Erika: I keep thinking about my brother, and how he just goes on on his fucking daily life, la la la, not even thinking about how he severely fucked up my childhood and made me come to the conclusion that I was completely worthless.
(12:57:14 AM)elfbabe: or maybe YOU should have been charging ME tuition all these years. :-P
(1:01:21 AM)elfbabe: When you say that as part of this discussion of why you currently hate yourself, I'm reminded of something you said about your attitude during the abuse - how you made the decision, as a child, to not seek outside help and protection from your brother because you thought it would hurt your family if you did. And now.... you're thinking a lot about this time in your past when you were seriously and repeatedly hurt by someone who was supposed to protect you, and the other people who were supposed to protect you didn't, and you hate... you, for some reason.
(1:05:22 AM)elfbabe: I sort of wonder if part of these negative feelings toward yourself are there because it's easier for you to hate yourself than to hate (or even be angry with) other people.
(1:08:43 AM) Erika: Probably.
(1:09:26 AM) Erika: In fact almost certainly.
(1:13:52 AM) Erika: I know what you're getting at.
(1:14:13 AM) Erika: That it would make sense for me to be angry at my brother, or my parents, or my teachers, or anyone who could've noticed the abuse and didn't.
(1:14:38 AM) Erika: Instead I'm ... not even angry with myself, I just think I deserved it.
In the ongoing saga, saw Bryan at college today. As I told Anne, Does the fact that he hasn't said a word to me in a month and, when he sees me in person, makes a (valid) excuse not to talk to me mean he doesn't want to be friends?
Then I said, And ... you know, in this case, the fact that I'm asking the question means I already know the answer.
Talked to
elfbabe about it. She's a good pseudo-therapist; we joked that one of us should start charging—me for teaching her how to do it and her for the therapy sessions.Why I was feeling bad:
(12:33:18 AM)
elfbabe: You've made some really amazing improvements in what you're capable of doing and how much you're able to... cope with life, I guess. Why do you think you're never going to be happy?(12:38:57 AM) Erika: Because none of this stuff makes me happy.
(12:39:11 AM) Erika: Not the achievements at school.
(12:39:31 AM) Erika: Not the friendships I've made or re-kindled, I mean, they do a good job to keep me from sinking into total depression but——
(12:39:56 AM) Erika: Not the money.
(12:40:12 AM) Erika: I don't feel good about anything for longer than 5, maybe 10 minutes.
(12:40:54 AM) Erika: And the things I do feel good about never fucking work out, and they're all relationship shit which is stupid of me to be getting my hopes up on anyway, because eventually the high of being with someone new wears off and you just get ... this. again.
(12:47:10 AM)
elfbabe: When you're in therapy, how much have you been focusing on this issue of not really being happy? As opposed to focusing on getting you to not be suicidally depressed and to be just sort of basically functional.(12:49:37 AM) Erika: A bit in the last few months.
(12:52:41 AM) Erika: I mean, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.
(12:52:44 AM) Erika: And I'll certainly bring it up.
(12:53:11 AM) Erika: I just ... I just fucking hate myself. I really wish I were dead.
(12:53:20 AM) Erika: I'm not going to kill myself, I think therapy has beaten that out of me.
(12:53:23 AM) Erika: I just wish I could.
(12:54:36 AM)
elfbabe: this seems more complex than just being convinced that you can't really be happy in the long term. what about this is making you hate yourself?(12:55:12 AM) Erika: lol, you should be charging me for this shit :P
(12:56:08 AM) Erika: I don't know.
(12:56:36 AM) Erika: I keep thinking about my brother, and how he just goes on on his fucking daily life, la la la, not even thinking about how he severely fucked up my childhood and made me come to the conclusion that I was completely worthless.
(12:57:14 AM)
elfbabe: or maybe YOU should have been charging ME tuition all these years. :-P(1:01:21 AM)
elfbabe: When you say that as part of this discussion of why you currently hate yourself, I'm reminded of something you said about your attitude during the abuse - how you made the decision, as a child, to not seek outside help and protection from your brother because you thought it would hurt your family if you did. And now.... you're thinking a lot about this time in your past when you were seriously and repeatedly hurt by someone who was supposed to protect you, and the other people who were supposed to protect you didn't, and you hate... you, for some reason.(1:05:22 AM)
elfbabe: I sort of wonder if part of these negative feelings toward yourself are there because it's easier for you to hate yourself than to hate (or even be angry with) other people.(1:08:43 AM) Erika: Probably.
(1:09:26 AM) Erika: In fact almost certainly.
(1:13:52 AM) Erika: I know what you're getting at.
(1:14:13 AM) Erika: That it would make sense for me to be angry at my brother, or my parents, or my teachers, or anyone who could've noticed the abuse and didn't.
(1:14:38 AM) Erika: Instead I'm ... not even angry with myself, I just think I deserved it.
In the ongoing saga, saw Bryan at college today. As I told Anne, Does the fact that he hasn't said a word to me in a month and, when he sees me in person, makes a (valid) excuse not to talk to me mean he doesn't want to be friends?
Then I said, And ... you know, in this case, the fact that I'm asking the question means I already know the answer.
