i put my soul in what i do

[erika]

I started taking classes in January of 2010. You can pretty much date my real recovery from that point. When did I start getting (real) treatment? January of 2006. (I'm not even counting the shitty, erratic treatment I got from 2002-2005.)

So that's 4 years I was doing anything I could think of: inpatient, outpatient, 3 different modalities of group therapy, 2 therapists (one left & went to private practice or I'd probably have stayed with her) once a week every goddamn week, a psychiatrist every 1-3 months and real trials (i.e. 12+ weeks) of more drugs & supplements than you can shake a stick at . . . hell, (as I told rydra_wong), I would have cut up and waved paper in the air to catch fumes of happiness if I'd thought it would work.

As LunaRufina so wisely said, I'm still not OK. I don't want to dash your hopes or anything--80% of the time I'm no longer suicidal, and most of the time I feel like life's worth living. That's good enough for me. My residual symptoms suck, but I can live with them, and even though I'm still exhausted... well, why bother going through the list when the Wikipedia signs and symptoms of dysthymia can tell them for me. Even though I still have all those problems, I've turned a corner.

But it took time.

It took time and a lot of effort from me, personally, to get there. Like olga says, I make appointments in the morning so I'm forced to get out of bed. I make volunteer commitments in places like our library so I feel compelled to show up on the day I'm supposed to do it. I personally go to classes so I have some fucking structure to my day.

There's no way I could hold down a job. Finally got approved for SSDI in Oct of last year, so my inability to hold a job is even governmental levels of true. I haven't even managed to take a full load of classes yet.

What olga said, what Luna said, both of them have a lot of truth.

I'm sorry if this is the first time someone has said this to you so bluntly, but sometimes, people break and they're just not the same afterwards. We get to be functional, we get to be productive denizens of society, we even hold relationships and have a new normal. But not the old normal, if you know what I mean. Never the old normal, not again.

Maybe that's not you. I hope it's not. But even if it is, that doesn't mean your life doesn't have value, because it does. It has so much more value than you can probably see right now.

Comments

[silverhare]

sometimes, people break and they're just not the same afterwards

Exactly. I am not the same as I was before; I never will be. It reminds me of the quote from Sunbathing In The Rain:

"The masters of the Japanese tea ceremony used deliberately to drop precious dishes, in order that they might be rebuilt and, thus, be more beautiful than the original. My Japanese porcelain has been repaired with gold, which streaks like lightning across the shattered plate." Gwyneth Lewis, Sunbathing in the Rain.

[erika]

That quote is fucking gorgeous.

Of course it also makes me want to throw crockery.

[alwayswondered]

I can't remember what I was like before. I started showing symptoms at 11ish, although no one knew what was going on and when I figured out that there was something wrong with me, my parents didn't believe me. I'm kind of inventing my normal. There is no 'old normal'.

I really like that quotation silverhare posted.

[erika]

Yeah, to be honest, I have journals from 2nd grade saying I wanted to kill myself, there is no old normal for me. But I understand the concept of wanting to get back what you had.

[lilmoka]

THIS. I am doing a lot better and I have improved a ton, but I will never be the same person because I simply can't. And it's okay, because I don't expect something like that; I'm building a new me, day by day, slowly discovering myself.

[erika]

Someday soon I intend to write an entry about how there may be no old normal to return to, but you can build something beautiful out of the ashes.

A phoenix, if you will.

[rydra_wong]

THIS. Much this.

[deathgaze]

I can't imagine anyone would be okay after a mental meltdown of that proportion :/

I actually broke down during a job interview a couple weeks ago when they asked why my work history sucked, and I told them about my grandparents dying, and the woman actually said to me "you just have to get over it."

As if it's a switch left in the off position. Seriously, wtf.

[erika]

Yeah... most of my entries pre-2008 are locked, but there are a couple that are open and they're fairly hellish to read, to be honest.

And that woman was a ... ... ... I am trying not to use woman-hating words anymore, so the c-word and the b-word are out, but she was certainly a GIGANTIC FUCKING ASSHOLE.

[alee_grrl]

What a dreadful experience. I'm sorry you had that happen. I've been told similar things in the past and it is never helpful.

[alee_grrl]

This is so very true. I've risen from the ashes of my life so many times, I have trouble remembering what normal was before. I'm happy with where I am and who I am. I may be a bit patched, but I am no less beautiful. silverhare's quote was perfect.

[erika]

I'm actually seriously considering getting a phoenix tattoo now. If only I could figure out where to put it.

[alee_grrl]

I would love to get a phoenix on my back between my shoulder blades. I've not found the right design yet though. I have fun, wonderland-esque butterflies on my lower back. I got them at a time when I really needed wings. Plus Alice in Wonderland is one of my all time favorite stories, and butterflies are also symbols of the spirit and soul.

[erika]

Weird, that is totally where I was thinking about putting mine.

[alee_grrl]

It is a great place for wings and it is an easy to cover up area if need be. Since I'm studying to be a lawyer I need for my tats to be in discrete places.

[erika]

Yeah, same, as a nurse practitioner I doubt they'll want me to have tats on my arms, forex.

HmmmmMmmm.