i could be a man in motion

[erika]

Okay. Okay.

I kind of lost it a little in my last entry but you know what, I honestly feel better now.

Thank you all so much for your support.

Comments

[sporky_rat]

You are more than welcome. Your Dreamwidth should be a place where you can get that support.

[lilmoka]

Don't worry, honey ♥

[alwayswondered]

I don't know how literal your tag is, but you have nothing to apologise for.

[rydra_wong]

Seconded. Unless "last entry" means something that you posted and then deleted while I was away from the computer and I missed all the excitement *g*, I'm not seeing anything at all that needs apologizing for.

It's a good thing to vent in a safe place and get support.

[erika]

something that you posted and then deleted while I was away from the computer and I missed all the excitement *g*——Sorry to disappoint you, but no. :P

It is a good thing to vent. I just feel a little ... weird about it. I normally don't talk about the thing with my older brother at all.

[rydra_wong]

I normally don't talk about the thing with my older brother at all.

Yeah, it's always disconcerting when you find yourself crossing those lines when you didn't plan to. It can feel sort of out of control, I think. But that's not the same as needing apologizing for.

[erika]

It was kind of literal, kind of not. I feel bad about possibly triggering other people (although I did cut, and no one's complained) and also for all the whining.

[eriktrips]

I just now read it and don't think, at least speaking for myself, that you have anything to apologize for. I don't know how it has been for you, but I found that talking about abuse from my own brother to be something like my last taboo: I didn't tell anyone about it until I was almost 25, and then I mentioned it once in therapy and did not come back to it for another ten years. In some ways, you are way ahead of me in that you are already able to direct your anger outwards, where it belongs, instead of at yourself. It took me a really long time to learn how to do that and I still don't always succeed.

I am sorry your parents don't seem to understand that you need to deal with this on your own time and to have a safe place from which to do so. Whether you ever forgive him is entirely your decision to make, not theirs, and it is not necessarily the single act that would make everything all better anyway. Personally I think forgiveness is overrated. It is certainly not something that you do for the person you are forgiving. You do it for yourself--and only if it helps you to move on. He has to live with what he did no matter what you decide to do. Even if he is in denial about it he is still expending energy on it. And that is his problem, not yours.

Your parents need to come to understand that this is only their business insofar as they did not protect you. They might feel guilty about that and so are pressuring you to forgive them as well. And the thing about being a victim of abuse within a family is that one ends up looking like the person who disrupted everything by telling, even though it really was the perpetrator who messed up. It can be very uncomfortable to have the whole family looking at you like you are supposed to make amends when what happened was not your fault. It is, unfortunately, all too common.

I hope you can keep yourself safe and that you can continue to put the blame where it belongs and not back on yourself.

[erika]

When I first started therapy, 5 1/2 years ago, I adamantly insisted to my therapist that I had no anger issues, because I simply did not get angry.

Yeah. . . She refrained from bashing me on the head for my stupidity and let me continue with that delusion for awhile.

Trust me, I don't always or even most of the time succeed at directing my anger outward. It's a rare occasion I can actually stand up for myself.

And the thing about being a victim of abuse within a family is that one ends up looking like the person who disrupted everything by telling, even though it really was the perpetrator who messed up. It can be very uncomfortable to have the whole family looking at you like you are supposed to make amends when what happened was not your fault. Exactly. Fucking exactly.

[eriktrips]

Heh. Yeah I didn't get angry until the first time I got drunk (I was 16) and I went on a rampage in a storeroom where my best friend worked. She was suitably appalled. I was out of my head.

Didn't happen again for years. I learned to control myself real quick.

I still think it is good that you have at least gotten to where you can occasionally direct the anger outwards. I think standing up for yourself is a different thing entirely; you can be appropriately angry without confronting anyone. It just means you can feel the rage without hurting yourself. And yeah, I know it takes time to get better at avoiding that.

Families generally suck at dealing with abuse, at least in most instances I've ever come across. Too much at stake for anyone to just fucking apologize like they should. Even when you get apologies you still somehow are made out to be the problem if you do not "get better" on their schedule. Because of course you are showing everyone the huge flaws in the family system.

I am feeling a bit cynical today. I hope you are staying safe.