if those days are gone forever, i should just let them go... but—
Tuesday, June 7th, 2011 05:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erika(Okay, seriously, partially this entry is just a placeholder for me to show off my new icon. LOOK. ISN'T IT AWESOME.)
Therapy today:
I told her, to start with, that I'm actually proud of myself for redirecting, refocussing, re-thinking my logic, and distracting myself when I have had suicidal or super-negative thoughts over the past two weeks. And I am proud, and surprised that I even have the ability to do that, to be honest.
Talked about my brother (surprised?) and Bryan (surprised again?—somehow I doubt it).
She said an interesting thing about me making mixes for Bryan, et al: that I'm using it as a way to communicate with someone who isn't communicating with me. To say things through music that I'm simply unable to say in other ways.
I also talked about my theory as to why Bryan shut off communication with me so abruptly and precipitously.
Basically, the theory is that he started developing feelings for me and that scared him enough (due to his prior abusive relationship) that he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me about it, probably with his assuming that I would have argued for him to work through them, and he couldn't do that, et fine.
Surprisingly, she agreed with it—never explicitly saying that that was her opinion from the start, but dropping enough hints that I'm fairly confident she knew from the beginning what was going on. (And no, I'm not angry or anything about her not telling me and letting me work it out for myself—it's just a theory, first of all, and it would've been an extreme setback had she said it at most points.)
Regarding my brother—she echoed the sentiments y'all have expressed, and, as per usual when I quote my friends, said I had insightful and supportive friends (that's you guys! Pat yourself on the back!).
She also said that it was a good thing we had another appointment next week, heh.
Therapy today:
I told her, to start with, that I'm actually proud of myself for redirecting, refocussing, re-thinking my logic, and distracting myself when I have had suicidal or super-negative thoughts over the past two weeks. And I am proud, and surprised that I even have the ability to do that, to be honest.
Talked about my brother (surprised?) and Bryan (surprised again?—somehow I doubt it).
She said an interesting thing about me making mixes for Bryan, et al: that I'm using it as a way to communicate with someone who isn't communicating with me. To say things through music that I'm simply unable to say in other ways.
I also talked about my theory as to why Bryan shut off communication with me so abruptly and precipitously.
Basically, the theory is that he started developing feelings for me and that scared him enough (due to his prior abusive relationship) that he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me about it, probably with his assuming that I would have argued for him to work through them, and he couldn't do that, et fine.
Surprisingly, she agreed with it—never explicitly saying that that was her opinion from the start, but dropping enough hints that I'm fairly confident she knew from the beginning what was going on. (And no, I'm not angry or anything about her not telling me and letting me work it out for myself—it's just a theory, first of all, and it would've been an extreme setback had she said it at most points.)
Regarding my brother—she echoed the sentiments y'all have expressed, and, as per usual when I quote my friends, said I had insightful and supportive friends (that's you guys! Pat yourself on the back!).
She also said that it was a good thing we had another appointment next week, heh.
no subject
on Tuesday, June 7th, 2011 11:56 pm (UTC)no subject
on Wednesday, June 8th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)no subject
on Wednesday, June 8th, 2011 06:02 am (UTC)Obviously this isn't going to change how I behave—it's over, he doesn't want to talk to me, etc. But it changes how I feel about it quite significantly—if I'm right, then this was in no way my fault.