how long will it last before we go insane

[erika]

You guys suck, by the way, at coming up with embarrassing questions for me to answer on short notice.

I'm scared about my appointment at the Breast Cancer/Trauma clinic today. I don't know what else to say about that. Luckily it's at 8:40 in the morning so I can show up bright & early and hopefully be done very quickly.

---

I don't trust my new-found stability. At all. It's been 18 months since I started "recovering" (I'm dating from the time I went to my first college class for this go-round, basically) and since then I've had maybe three episodes, probably only one of which fit all DSM criteria.

And yet I still feel unsteady on my mental feet, shaky in my equilibrium. I feel like my stability could go at any moment—like a three legged stool that was meant to have four legs. So what does my therapy tell me to do with those kinds of thoughts? Well, examine them: is the idea that "my stability could go at any moment" actually true?

What are common triggers for relapse, anyway? Well, unfortunately, one of them is an incomplete remission, which I have. Okay, some others, as culled from various websites via google and run through my own filters:

• Bereavement


• Job loss and financial woes


• Victim of crime


• Large scale change, such as moving to a new home or getting a new job


• Hormonal changes (eg. menopause)


• Physical illness


• Medication changes (voluntary or pdoc prescribed)


• Medication stops working

But each of us has our own set of triggers, so the ones I've identified above are just a starting point. Still, it's somewhere to start. I encourage you to set up your own list of triggers for an episode.

Okay, so the idea we're questioning here is "my stability could go at any moment." But... looking at the list above, I see a lot of VERY BIG things happening to people causing them to relapse. Not so much the tiny day to day life stuff causing relapse.

That makes me feel pretty hopeful that relapse is, in general, caused by the big things: not taking care of yourself (stopping your meds is a HUGE indicator of relapse, apparently), grief from losing someone or your job or being the victim of a crime, and even big positive changes such as moving or getting a new job.

I see recovering from depression as trying to bail out a leaky boat. Eventually you may get the boat fixed so it's not leaking anymore, through drugs & therapy & meditation etc. But if a large wave comes along, you may have to bail out the boat again—that's not a failure, that's just physics.

Comments

[alee_grrl]

Offers hugs. Sorry you are having to face such a scary appointment.

As for the shaky equilibrium, I understand it well. I often feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I see recovering from depression as trying to bail out a leaky boat. Eventually you may get the boat fixed so it's not leaking anymore, through drugs & therapy & meditation etc. But if a large wave comes along, you may have to bail out the boat again—that's not a failure, that's just physics.

This is one of the best ways I have ever heard of depression described. Thank you!

[singdreamlove]

I love your last paragraph. It comes across as very positive, and I think keeping a positive attitude really helps. If a "large wave" does happen to come along and you do have to bail the boat out again, it is NOT failure...so definitely remember that. Everyone who suffers from depression/anxiety/etc has their relapses I think - the trick is to keep going and know that you aren't a failure because of it.

[amalnahurriyeh]

I hate that list right now. Not because it's wrong. Because there were six weeks between when I got medicated and when my dad died. I had six weeks of feeling like a human being again. And there's nothing I can do about it. Fuck.

Your boat metaphor is kind of perfect--it describes both the relapse that lead to this winter of suckage/time to get medicated, and where I am now. It works.

I had to go to a "breast cancer clinic" to get some breast pain I had evaluated. NOT HELPFUL, CLINIC. Hope you're appointment was--either painless or as minimally painful as possible?

[deathgaze]

I have six of those triggers going on right now, wow.

But that last paragraph is really something. It definitely makes a lot of sense.

[annalytica]

I see recovering from depression as trying to bail out a leaky boat. Eventually you may get the boat fixed so it's not leaking anymore, through drugs & therapy & meditation etc. But if a large wave comes along, you may have to bail out the boat again—that's not a failure, that's just physics.

<3 <3 <3