no subject

[erika]

I'm not doing so well right now.

It's not the Bryan thing, surprisingly. I've accepted that, much to my own amazement. Whether he was telling the truth or, like eyelid said, he's just not that into me*, regardless, I need to accept that. Doesn't matter what the reason is, end result is the same and we're not friends, and we're not going to be friends.

Truth is, I've been being unintentionally cranky on another site I frequent and I have irritated at least two people. I don't want to stay away from that site but maybe I should, I'm not sure. It's weird because even though my psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline traits, they don't show up everywhere. On DW I seem to have no problem being supportive & nice to people (with the exception of one recent comment which I'm still embarrassed over), and yet on this other site I get bitchy at the slightest provocation.

I talked to my therapist about switching therapists to a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) specialist and she was ... not supportive. I'm really not sure whether that's her own issue (feeling rejected or feeling surprised or whatever) or whether I am fucking up by switching therapists, but I feel like I need to get better control over my emotions so I don't drive people away unintentionally ANY of the time.** Doing that really bothers me, even if it doesn't happen everywhere or often, it still happens.

DBT and mindfulness seem to be the best tools to achieve that control (or acceptance or whatever) of my emotions—at least I think so, but the problem with mental illness is that you learn your judgment & yr mind are not to be trusted, so who the fuck knows.

I have this constant headache and I seem to have grown immune to the pain medication so my surgery site is aching all the goddamn time. To add insult to injury I'm going to have to start doing my own wound packing in the mornings. I'm not going to go into detail on that because I don't want to trigger anyone but god, it sucks and I wish I could just have the nurse keep coming until I'm healed, but . . . the grant I'm on won't pay for that if I can do it myself.

School started this week and I'm so literally and figuratively exhausted that I already skipped a class. Seriously, first week of school.

My computer's CPU is overheating due to the radiator/coolant (it's liquid cooled) having broken or evaporated or something. It's still under warranty but the part I had to order to fix it was 100 bucks and it's like, seriously. Seriously? Anyway, that means I can't use my computer and I'm actually on my father's right now.

The beginning of next month can't come soon enough. (And I'm late for class so I better stop whining.)

* sorry, eyelid, because of my computer problems I can't log into my LJ acct right now (can't remember the password) so I have to reply in a post
** No, I don't feel that's what happened with Bryan, thank god, or I'd probably still be blaming myself like a mofo.

Comments

[alwayswondered]

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're feeling so crap right now. I'm glad you feel as though you can get closure with Bryan now; at least that's one less thing holding you back.

I always hated being asked to make decisions about my mental health because frankly I had no fucking clue what would help me and I was just desperate for someone to start providing some help so that I could evaluate whether or not it was working for me. But I think if you feel strongly that you want to go in a certain direction, there's no reason not to try it. If it doesn't work, you can always go back, right?

*hugs again*

[erika]

Thank you, hun. *hugs back* I really appreciate yr comments & yr friendship.

If it doesn't work, you can always go back, right?

yeah... that's the thought, except my current therapist reacted SO strongly to the idea that I'm not sure she'll accept me back if I leave.

[blueberry_ash]

On DW I seem to have no problem being supportive & nice to people (with the exception of one recent comment which I'm still embarrassed over), and yet on this other site I get bitchy at the slightest provocation.

Probably not at the same level, sure, but I get this, myself: I can't work out whether it's just me-in-certain-environments, or whether it's the certain-environments themselves. Either way it means I tend to retreat out of there pretty fast, when I realise it's happening: I fail at conflict.


but the problem with mental illness is that you learn your judgment & yr mind are not to be trusted
Fuck yes, and I'm just going to empathy-hug you over here.


Anyway, I'm sorry things have been shit. ♥

[erika]

Thank you. I appreciate the hugs & the comment, more than you probably know with my inadequate words.

[mighty_claw]

sorry you're feeling down :(

i'm different on different sites too. i think it depends on the site. on you tube/facebook i can get fired up, but on blog sites i'm caring and supportive.

[erika]

it's weiiiiird. I don't mean to be so snarky sometimes, definitely not to the point where it's putting people off.

[royalfireworks]

Belated, and I have no helpful advice to give, but: *hugs* I'm sorry things are rough for you right now.

[erika]

never belated!

[softestbullet]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. *hug*

the problem with mental illness is that you learn your judgment & yr mind are not to be trusted, so who the fuck knows.

Gah, yes, I grapple with this all the time. So freaking frustrating.

I hope things work out with your therapist, or at least that she clarifies what her issue is. And good luck with DBT and mindfulness!

[erika]

Thank you! And yes, god, it is so frustrating.

[rydra_wong]

I'm sorry things are rough.

DBT and mindfulness seem to be the best tools to achieve that control (or acceptance or whatever) of my emotions

You've mentioned workbooks; any chance you could use those to get started on the DBT and mindfulness, while you work on sorting out the therapist decision and/or finding a DBT program?

I'm really not sure whether that's her own issue (feeling rejected or feeling surprised or whatever)

Here I make grumpy noises about therapists who expect you to deal with their emotions as well as your own. [/myissues]

[erika]

The workbook thing is a really good idea; thank you so much for reminding me of it!