she'll let you in her heart, if you got a hammer and vise

[erika]

Don't.

Just don't fucking say "I'm sorry."

I don't want to hear it.

The point is that I had to ask my next door neighbor to dog-sit, even though asking someone for a favor is like peeling off skin, and I had to text Chance, and tell him, even though he never fucking met her.

And he, he fucking said "I'm sorry", even though he never fucking met her, even though he had the goddamn opportunity, even though I fucking wanted to spend the rest of my goddamn life with him. That's the point.

The point is that I never told Chance any of that.

The point is that I'm going to have to get my own goddamn hotel room, and I'm going to have to pay for it. The point is that I have to get my own hotel room because a) my parents are going to want to share, to save money and b) in case of the worst case scenario.

The point is that the worst case scenario involves me being stuck awake for 12 hours of a goddamn car trip, in the back seat (with nothing to read and my phone battery dead, but no, not gonna let that happen) and possibly being stuck awake the entire goddamn night, maybe both nights. My mind fucking hates me and I wouldn't put anything past it. Insomnia would be the goddamn cherry on top of rubbing salt in the wound, and I don't want to keep anyone else awake.

The point is that I'm going to have to leave the house, and I don't remember the last time I did that. It probably wasn't last year, even though it feels like it's been that long.

The point is that I would have to leave the house to shop for a goddamn black dress if I hadn't seen this coming.

The point is—my grandmother is dead. My mother's mother.

At least, I guess that's the point. The point is definitely not that I wish it were me, because that would be selfish, and stupid, and I never want to do that to my parents. Even though that thought's true, that wish is real, that's not the goddamn point. I'm not that selfish, I swear to god.

So, the point is that she's dead. She called me the worst granddaughter in the world, once, and she has like 20, so she would know. She had like 20, I guess. She doesn't anymore.

I wish her death hurt more. She deserves to have it hurt me more, she was a wonderful person and I would have been a better granddaughter if I'd been able to. I couldn't, though, I can't. I never could.

She apologized for the 'worst granddaughter' thing, before you think less of her. I'm completely 100% sure I deserved it in the first place, but she apologized anyway.

Adding insult to injury with the death thing, is all, I'm evidently not capable of hurting more than being this depressed, even if I wish I could.

I don't think SHE'S adding insult to injury, I'm not angry at her, even though maybe I should be, 5 stages of grief and all that.

Anyway, the point is, she's dead.

I'm not that upset, so don't, just don't fucking say you're sorry. Just save the consolation for someone who cares more than I do, even though the likelihood is you don't know them.

Because her sons, her daughters, her family, my goddamn mother—they do care more than I do, even if it's not my fault that I can't care anymore.

Please don't tell me you're sorry. Just don't.

(I know there's not much else to say, and I'm sorry for taking those consoling words away from you, but it's the pure truth that I just don't want to fucking hear it.)

Comments

[lilmoka]

*hugs tight and holds on*

[silverhare]

Oh, goodness, you are in a lot of pain right now. *offers hugs* I'll be thinking of you. x

[manycolored]

I'm right there with you when it comes to my grieving process not being what I think it should be. Don't worry about the "five stages" - they've figured out that they're not linear and not everybody goes through all of them. And don't listen to anybody who tells you you're repressing or avoiding or sublimating or whatever. Some people just don't grieve right away, and some people never do the sad and weepy part of grieving at all. It's all right. There's no moral positive or negative to it. It doesn't mean you're messed up, or that your relationship was.

Good luck with the trip.

[nonelvis]

Okay, I won't tell you I'm sorry, but I *will* tell you what a friend told me when my grandmother was on the verge of death last week: whatever you're feeling, even if it's not what you're expecting to feel right now, is okay. Everyone reacts to these things differently, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. I hope everything goes okay for you while you're away at the funeral.

(Also, this is the third grandmother death I've heard about in the past two weeks, including my own. I realize it's just coincidence, but it's still a bit weird.)

[amalnahurriyeh]

Well. This blows. I hope the trip is not a total disaster.

[ambsace]

I can say, please come see me. If there's any way that isn't an imposition on you or your family. Go out for coffee, or meet in some random place and eat cookies, or anything. I would offer that you can stay in our guest room, but if that would make you feel uncomfortable I don't want you to feel pressured.

(hugs)

[erika]

I don't know if I ever told you how much this meant to me. I meant to see you that weekend, but there wasn't time. Still, the offer was a solace in the dark hours.

[shanaqui]

*sends good thoughts*