starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy (something inching past the edge of reserve)

[erika]

Yeah, so I kind of accidentally possibly went on a date.

Here, have my text messages flailing at panda about it, with translations.

Me: how i get myself into this shit 9:16 PM

Me translated: Why, god, why?

panda: ? 9:17 PM

Panda, translated: What the fuck did you do now? [Also inherent in the ? is panda asking: Is this important enough for me to pay attention to?]

Me: just got back from a date type thing idek 9:21 PM

Me translated: Holy shit, I think that outing I just went on was a date, or maybe not, I don't even know.

panda: Lol wat? W whom? I thot u were asleep all day since u were away forever ... Or i forgot, javier moving? Sthing. Wat is memories? 9:32 PM

Panda, translated: Um, a DATE? With whom? I thought you were asleep all day because you had your away message up on IM, or no, you mentioned that you were going to be helping your younger brother Javier move into his dorm room. Something like that. I don't remember.

Me: get online? faster? i can txt you a/b it if need be i guess, let me know 9:33 PM

Me translated: If you get online, I can probably tell you about this faster and with greater amounts of whine.

panda: Dude i am sleeping, u can pry my bed from my cold dead fingers etc. 9:33 PM

Panda, translated: I will never do what you want and you will be forced to use text speak for this entire conversation, which you will do because you love me regardless. Also you're keeping me awake, so this better be good, bitch.

Me: lulz ok, whatevs, so met nice dude on okc, accidentally told him almost entire life story, he wants to meet me anyway wtf? so fine, didn't move w/ bro today 9:34 PM

Me translated: Fine, meanie, I will do your bidding even though txt speak hurts my soul. So I met some random nice guy on OKCupid, but then I vomited my life story all over him, and yet he still wanted to meet me for dinner...? I was confused, but I had the time since I didn't do the moving thing with Javier.

Me: ended up doing dinner mostly b/c i was hungry & he wanted to do indian which you know i am weak for 9:34 PM

Me translated: Plus I have a shameful weakness for Indian food and that happened to be what he suggested. Also I was hungry.

Me: then went back to my house & watched movie, lots of fun amusing etc & then i dropped him off at his place and i went 4 a hug & he might've been going 4 a kiss? 9:36 PM

Me translated: While we were having dinner, things were fun and amusing so I ended up asking him back to my place to watch Zorro: The Gay Blade. Then I drove him back to his and went for a hug at the end and also didn't even get out of the car, and I think he might've been going for a kiss, but I'm not sure.

Me: i was like *buries head in shoulder* ~*denied!*~ &then he was like 'do you want to see my place' and i was like 'um... then i would have to find a parking spot!' and he was like '... we're in a parking lot . . . ?' and i was like 'oh hey, yeah, look at the time, bye' 9:36 PM

Me translated: I basically had already denied him the chance of kissing me by entangling us in seatbelts and putting my head sort of near his shoulder. But then he tried to ask me to come in, and I said something of a denial in an extremely awkward fashion and then drove away very quickly.

panda: Oic. I didnt know u were still talking 2 ppl on okc. 9:37 PM

Panda, translated: Didn't you say you were going to disable your account on OKCupid until you stopped being crazy?

panda: Lol smooth 9:38 PM

Panda, translated: ... you are so smooth, dumbass.

Me: i'm not really talking to people on okc but he sent me a message anyway and um... he kinda reminded me of chance 9:38 PM

Me translated: I was going to disable my account, but then I forgot about it, and I was just ignoring people! I ignored them for months! But then, his message was well-written and decent and not-sex-asshole-y so then I caved and read his profile... and he reminded me of Chance . . . so I replied.

panda: .... & that is how u get urself into this shit, evs. 9:39 PM

Panda, translated: And that is how you end up doing this all over again, just like every other time.

Me: every time, man, every time... fucking just smack me next time, hard 9:40 PM

Me translated: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP.

panda: Lol k. Did u /tell/ him ur not rly interested in dating? 9:41 PM

Panda, translated: Did you actually express your lack of interest in dating to him, or did you expect him to know with your mind waves?

Me: YES, THAT WAS LIKE THE VERY FIRST THING I SAID, OK, i just want you to know that 9:42 PM

Me translated: I actually did tell him straight off the bat. Um. But then I probably fucked it up.

panda: Guys r so dumb. 'She'll be interested once i show her how gr8 i am!' 9:43 PM

Panda, translated: I'm sure it's not entirely your fault, he probably didn't think you were serious or that you were playing hard to get or something.

Me: yes and also ... i think my normal like, bluntness and joking around and lack of shame kinda comes off as flirting? 9:44 PM

Me translated: Oh, trust me. It's entirely my fault.

panda: Ah. 'mixed signals' etc 9:44 PM

Panda, translated: You have a point. I'm going to go with it's mostly your fault.

Me: because, in retrospect, i probably should not have answered the question "which starfleet captain would you have sex with"... at all? much less by dividing the type of sex i'd have into "hardcore" and "emo weepy" and deciding on two different captains based on that? 9:45 PM

Me translated: I think possibly the part of the conversation where I was blatantly open about my love of sex was a bad idea.

panda: .... A. Which? & B. Who asks that on a first 'date'? 9:46 PM

Panda, translated: All of your conversations are a bad idea. Also, who lets the discussion go there on a first date?

Me: for the record, the answers are: reboot kirk kicking it hardcore, and sisko for the emo making love, which i firmly believe are really the only answers 9:46 PM

Me translated: I mean, yes, I knew that sex and geekiness are like kryptonite to this kind of guy, but I happen to be a sex-obsessed geek! That's not my fault!

Me: it was kind of my fault, because i think i brought up the "i would sleep with reboot kirk but never shatner mostly because he is so frightening" thing first 9:47 PM

Me translated: Okay, it's kind of my fault.

panda: W/e patrick stewart is a fox. 9:47 PM

Panda, translated: I am also a geek and I don't have to beat the guys off with sticks.

Me: yeah, i told [dateish-dude] that i didn't consider [Patrick Stewart/Jean Luc Picard] mostly because i felt like he had more important things to do, like saving universe and/or stopping borg 9:50 PM

Me translated: That's because you hate attracting attention, babe, and I am a giant attention whore.

Me: also thinking back i'm pretty sure i paid for the meal too, which i'm going to go ahead and blame on you, bones 9:51 PM

Me translated: Um, also? I forgot that he's not you, and so I ended up paying for the meal, because I always pay for you, because you're always broke. THIS IS PARTIALLY YOUR FAULT.

Me: really when i hear the whole story i kind of want to do myself, in that that was a pretty awesome date, which ... yeah not what i was going for, at all :( 9:51 PM

Me translated: So, basically: I said "I'm not interested in dating" and then kind of accidentally did everything like we were on a date. Which is—why I'm confused. But I'm really not interested in dating! I swear! (I think.)

panda: Uh hello u r just supposed to spend ur money on /me/ 9:52 PM
panda: Also how did sleeping w kirk come up at all? 9:52 PM
panda: Also im an english major, not ur behavioral therapist 9:53 PM

Panda, translated: This is not even remotely my fault. Just because you pay for MY food like we have agreed upon in the Sacred BFF Code of our people does not mean you should pay for ANYONE ELSE'S FOOD. You made so many overtures he probably thought you meant them and you can't blame that on me!

Me: it went like this: how did you end up in iowa, where were you born, certificate of live birth, obama, famous presidents from x state, hoover sucks, kirk would be a way better president[*], i'd fuck kirk 9:54 PM

* NOTE: we also discussed why Kirk would never BECOME president because he'd obviously turn it down, much like the posting of Admiral, see every original Star Trek movie ever made. I just want anyone who's reading this to know that my geek cred is bona fide.

Me translated: Yes, I know I can't blame everything on you, but I'm tired of blaming everything on me. I do that all the time already and my brain hurts.

panda: Also yeah that sounds pretty date-y. Better head it off at the pass & tell him 'sorry if that seemed datey, i am legit not interested' 9:55 PM

Panda, translated: So get over yourself, man the fuck up and tell him AGAIN you're for serious not interested in dating anyone.

Me: cn u pass him a note in 3rd period? i am totes not adult enough for this 9:55 PM

Me translated: WHAT? ACT LIKE AN ADULT? But I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaa. Not to mention: the likelihood of me being able to act like an adult without adult supervision / hand-holding is. . . low.

panda: Lol. Also do u have any guy friends who are straight & u havent dated/messed around with ever? I mean do u ever have any strictly platonic straight guy friends 9:57 PM

Panda, translated: Ignoring that extremely valid point, I would like you to examine your behavior in a more general light. Do you even have any platonic straight male friends?

Me: define "messed around with" 10:01 PM

Me translated: Why are you making me state this out loud? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION BECAUSE YOU KNOW ME.

panda: Ffs u know what im asking. Just friends-friends, no pants-feels were ever acted on. 10:02 PM

Panda, translated: I'm MAKING you say it because otherwise you will deny deny repress deny.

Me: the answer to your question is ... [cut long-ass multi-text-spanning explanation that basically boils down to no]

Me translated: Go fuck yourself, you know I don't.

panda: Yeah, swhat i thot. Idk if u know how to be around guys you /could/ bang, but dont want to. Like u default to 'possibly bangable guy, must flirt'? or idk, if u know wat i mean? 10:05 PM
panda: Er that was a question. Like 'possibly u default to flirting unconsciously?' 10:06 PM

Panda, translated: Yeah, you're right, I did know that. Is there any Erika-mode for "guy I could fuck but don't want to"? Because otherwise all these guys you're trying to be friends with are getting the mode of "guy I maybe shouldn't fuck but want to" which is ... not the same thing.

Me: ummmm... yeah no? i'm having problems with that first sentence of "guys i could bang but don't want to"-- i'm not kidding i don't think i've run into that bf 10:06 PM

Me translated: "Guy I could fuck but don't want to"? WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?

Me: is that what this is? this is ridic, i have been tricked into monogamy by feels!? 10:07 PM

Me translated: No, seriously. Is that a trick question? "Guy I could fuck but don't want to"? How does that even work?

Me: i'm not even getting laid! i'm never going to talk to chance again! WHAT THE FUCK 10:07 PM

Me translated: PANIC MODE PANIC MODE PANIC MODE.

panda: .... Idk what is going on bc i am prolly too tired at this point 10:08 PM

Panda, translated: Oh god, um... I'M GOING TO SLEEP NOW.

Me: go to sleep, bones, before i jack one of your hypos :P i have to go find jav's chemistry notebook or some shit anyway 10:08 PM

Me translated: Emergency STOP PANICKING button has been hit. Erika has been reset. She will panic again in roughly 12 hours.

panda: Kk. Love u, dorkfaice 10:09 PM

Panda, translated: Oh, goodie. I'm SURE I'll talk to you then. Love you despite myself! Night!


NOTE: This translation has not been vetted by panda, mostly because she's asleep and she'll cut me if I wake her up for a non-emergency. But I'm pretty confident it's mostly what she meant, because I have a tiny panda in my brain.

Comments

[adalger]

Oh, erika. *lol*

Seriously, this brightens my day. I can so relate to all this, and your translations are *beautiful*!

[erika]

Yeah, basically that is the exact comment I wanted when I posted this.

I was originally just going to post the text convo, but then I realized that it's practically impossible to understand without a translation.

So then I was just going to translate specific texts, but pretty much that went out the window when I realized I could make it a meta-conversation where I explained all the things that were not explicitly txt-explained.

See icon. ♥

[adalger]

OMG, so much of life is context, right? And I'm the kind of person that needs a translation guide to everyone, all the time anyway.

[erika]

Yes. Also when you have long-winded* friendships, context is pretty much everything. Like, in the above conversation, panda didn't actually say many of the things I attributed to her, nor did I say many of the things I attributed to myself, but I am relatively certain she will not have a problem with anything I claimed that she meant.

*(that was probably not the word I meant, I probably meant something like "close friendships of many years" but I'm going to stick with long-winded because it amuses me)

With people you've known for [a long span of time], what words actually leave your mouth (or type or text or whatever) make up only part of the conversation. You say just as much by what you don't say, or what you say that can be taken different ways. And they know you, so they get it.

Lydia gets me, generally, and in return I get her, generally, and she knows that I know her, and I know that she knows that I know her, ad infinitum and vice versa as well.

Most of the time it's very nice. Occasionally I do feel like I want to talk to someone who doesn't know me at all, but I try to avoid that because that's—— a lying impulse, in that it's an impulse to lie (because I'd get away with it) and that it's an impulse that is a lie (because it wouldn't really make me feel any better).

[panda]

Yeah, basically that is the exact comment I wanted when I posted this.

*cough*attention-whore*cough*


to everyone else reading my comment: THIS IS WHY SHE LOVES ME. IT IS THE LANGUAGE OF OUR PEOPLE.

[erika]

LOOK. I CAN'T HELP BEING THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS IN ALL THE LANDS, OKAY? THAT'S JUST HOW THIS SHIT WORKS.

It's hard out there for a Kirk, I gotta say.

[panda]

[erika]

 

[panda]

[erika]

 

[adalger]

This causes me to wonder if that translates to the same kind of thing as what I say that translates to "Why aren't you paying attention to me being conspicuously introverted so I can rebuff your unwanted attention over and over? WHY?"

[erika]

. . . I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say here.

Lydia is saying that I was glad to receive your praise for me ("that is the exact comment I wanted when I posted this") because I enjoy receiving attention, which I repeatedly said both in the entry and later in the comments.

I don't really get how that works out to being conspicuously introverted?

[adalger]

This works out to "The answer is no, that's something different." I'm really bad at understanding what other people mean, a *lot* of the time. Sorry if I've caused any confusion, or offense.

[erika]

Oh, please don't worry, it's not a problem! I'm not offended at all, I was just curious.

panda is way more introverted than I am online, if you want to talk to her about it. In person, if either of us didn't know you, I'd probably be much more extroverted, but only in comparison. I do test as introverted generally, but she's very introvert.

FUCK I HAVE TOO MANY APROPOS ICONS. ALSO, ALT TEXT.

[panda]

When you said you were gonna post this convo, I assumed it would fall in the category of "things Erika thinks are hilarious but no one else gets." But then you added the translations and now it is OVER 9000 times funnier.

FOR THE RECORD: these translations make me appear more witty than I am IRL, and they are also in spirit true (because Erika *does* have a tiny panda in her brain, and also an obsessive need to make everything wittier than it actually was) so I ENDORSE THESE TRANSLATIONS. Also I /would/ have cut her if she had woken me up for this, WITH MY MIND.

Also I was super confused by the lyrics in your title because they are not from Patrick Wolf and THAT IS THE ONLY CITY.

FIRE EVERYTHING

[erika]

"things Erika thinks are hilarious but no one else gets."

Don't even lie, that's probably 90% of the "funny" entries I post. I should just make that a tag and get it over with.

FOR THE RECORD: you are actually way wittier than you give yourself credit for, it just translates poorly to text because ~brain issues~, which I know, so this is not like, me gilding your lily here, it's just showing what you are actually like instead of how you sometimes appear. If that makes sense and doesn't sound like I am a major asshole. (oh she is so much better than she seems WAS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING FOR THERE)

As for my obsessive need to make everything wittier: . . . touché. I cannot tell a lie, I did rewrite that cherry tree.

re: lyrics in title: Baby, it was either this song or "Here It Goes Again" by OK Go, so... yeah. I'm still debating changing it, actually.

SHOULDN'T WE, I DUNNO, SHOOT BACK?

[panda]

Lbr it's more like 95% and yes you might as well make that tag.


Also I was falling asleep etcetc. I know, I'm great, you should probably celebrate my greatness by buying me mexican/indian food because we both know that's what's going to happen anyway ♥

"... the squirrels leapt from the falling branches, tails held stiffly behind them, like mini tuxedoed bourgeois attempting not to get the stench from the steerage passengers on them as they leapt from the Titanic."

Yes we both have problems with over-use of metaphors. Metaphoritus. (And YES I know that was a simile, I got an A from Van Zante, god.)

Give up and go change it. ("I shoulda known I shoulda known ...")

*FINGER GUNS*

[erika]

Look, it's not my fault that most people are not a) geeky enough, b) eclectic enough or c) crazy enough to understand how funny I am SLASH the things I find are. Should I give up and stop ~educating~ people?!

Also, I am not buying you any more Mexican food until you come over and watch The Truth About Cats and Dogs, woman.

I really feel like there should be a word for metaphor-overuse. Involving a metaphor.

FINE. YOU WIN. FOREVER. (i changed the title of the entry)

*rolls eyes* *hyposprays*

[panda]

/tunes you out until something is said that is actually worth paying attention to

... WAIT WHAT NO MEXICAN FOOD????? BUT I AM LE HUNGRY ;__________;


Okay fine no Mexican, it is lunch buffet time for Indian food anyway.

I'm sure I can come up with 20+, but I'll have to think about it to decide which one is most meta. AFTER YOU FEED ME, I CANNOT THINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

Re: FUCK I HAVE TOO MANY APROPOS ICONS. ALSO, ALT TEXT.

[viridian]

idk, your original texts kinda make me want to be friends with you, because I was laughing way more than necessary at them even pre-translation! /creepy internet stranger lady

[viridian]

I love all of this, and your friend, and possibly the guy you could bang but don't want to. I lost my shit laughing at Also im an english major, not ur behavioral therapist .

[erika]

I actually considered taking that out, since I wasn't sure people would get it, so I'm glad you liked it! (Lydia and I have decided that her nickname is now "Bones" because she fulfills the position of BFF-Minister-of-Tough-Love to my Kirk.)