i wake up, don't know how i got there
Wednesday, September 26th, 2012 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaOkay, see, I write that long entry and John Scalzi has already summarized it by saying (roughly): "when you fail at being clever, you become 'asshole.'"
I think my problem*
*thepanda in my head is saying "your ONLY problem?" and laughing hysterically, but I blame this on the fact that the one in my head is not connected to panda in reality except by how well I know her, so the one in my head doesn't have migraines, whereas the real one does. Bones, if you're curious, sometimes the you-without-migraines can be a bit of an asshole, but that might just be me bleeding through.
As I said, I think my problem is that I forget this all the goddamn time, and then I only recognize that I'm actually being an asshole... when it is in the past tense. When hindsight is 20/20. Use your favorite metaphor here.
Seriously, yesterday I gravely insulted a gas station attendant, my own mother (BEHIND HER BACK TO MY FATHER), a close friend's dog (who has cancer... yeah) and probably some other people I don't remember—not because they weren't important! but because yesterday was evidently Be Extremely Insulting To Everyone By Accident Day.
If this explains your yesterday as well, I'm sorry I didn't get the holiday notice out in advance, but next year maybe I'll do better.
Most people kick themselves for l'esprit d'escalier; I want to turn that shit off. I am not interested in being an asshole! And, really, my sense of humor (such as it is) only makes this worse, because even the people who know me well think well, that was kind of meansometimes most of the time always but she probably meant well!
I'm not even going to try to rationalize the comparison I made of a close friend's dog (who has cancer and is undergoing intensive radiation therapy and is presumably on painkillers) to Lindsay Lohan (who ... is on drugs a lot and does not have cancer that I am aware of). Luckily he thought it was humorous, and it was slightly less of a giant dick move in context, but ... what the fuck, self. What the fuck.
On the very small good things side, my icon for this entry is so completely appropriate I'm a little impressed with myself.
I think my problem*
*the
panda in my head is saying "your ONLY problem?" and laughing hysterically, but I blame this on the fact that the one in my head is not connected to panda in reality except by how well I know her, so the one in my head doesn't have migraines, whereas the real one does. Bones, if you're curious, sometimes the you-without-migraines can be a bit of an asshole, but that might just be me bleeding through.As I said, I think my problem is that I forget this all the goddamn time, and then I only recognize that I'm actually being an asshole... when it is in the past tense. When hindsight is 20/20. Use your favorite metaphor here.
Seriously, yesterday I gravely insulted a gas station attendant, my own mother (BEHIND HER BACK TO MY FATHER), a close friend's dog (who has cancer... yeah) and probably some other people I don't remember—not because they weren't important! but because yesterday was evidently Be Extremely Insulting To Everyone By Accident Day.
If this explains your yesterday as well, I'm sorry I didn't get the holiday notice out in advance, but next year maybe I'll do better.
Most people kick themselves for l'esprit d'escalier; I want to turn that shit off. I am not interested in being an asshole! And, really, my sense of humor (such as it is) only makes this worse, because even the people who know me well think well, that was kind of mean
I'm not even going to try to rationalize the comparison I made of a close friend's dog (who has cancer and is undergoing intensive radiation therapy and is presumably on painkillers) to Lindsay Lohan (who ... is on drugs a lot and does not have cancer that I am aware of). Luckily he thought it was humorous, and it was slightly less of a giant dick move in context, but ... what the fuck, self. What the fuck.
On the very small good things side, my icon for this entry is so completely appropriate I'm a little impressed with myself.
no subject
on Thursday, September 27th, 2012 01:18 pm (UTC)no subject
on Thursday, September 27th, 2012 03:36 pm (UTC)I mean, there's the level I expect, where everything freaks me out and I can't get any fucking sleep because anx~brain thinks there may be ninjas at any weird sounds after roughly 4hrs.
Then there's this level, where I fixate on something bizarre (my sense of humor? seriously?) and wonder if perhaps it is not responsible for all of my problems.
Oh, mental illness. I adore* how you manifest in strange and unexpected ways in order to better creep past my defenses and fuck up my life.
* For certain values of adore.
no subject
on Friday, September 28th, 2012 01:37 am (UTC)*giggles* Well, your sense of humor made me laugh! \o/
no subject
on Thursday, September 27th, 2012 05:05 pm (UTC)but probably it's mostly you bleeding through xx