i'm gonna prove every word i say

[erika]

So Josh and I actually had our first big fight. It sucked. I hated it. But we got through it, and despite me telling multiple people, while sobbing hysterically, that I felt like I might have to break up with him if he didn't apologize to my satisfaction——because I was NOT okay with what he did——he did apologize, and we got everything worked out, and things are much better now.

I ended up calling my social worker before I talked to him, because I was just so angry. She told me something, which I didn't believe at the time but— which makes a lot more sense now: 'you can disagree with someone, or be upset with them, be angry at them, and then when you both talk it through, your relationship actually becomes stronger.'

Very long story made as short as possible: I got upset because:

1) he said dismissive stuff about my mental illness. First, he kinda flippantly compared it to his extreme introversion, which he doesn't view as pathological [and neither do I], and then he said that I have a "lot more free time to relax"... which, yeah.

2) He also refused to visit me because he couldn't cope with my parents, and I felt, again, really dismissed because I've been driving there (at 100 miles one way, 200 miles round trip, which is between $25ish to a high of 35+ dollars worth of gas that he wasn't chipping in on). That tied back into the 1st issue, me feeling dismissed about my MI when he said that I have a lot more free time.

There was a lot of miscommunication and yuckiness and even his initial apology for being dismissive felt pretty shitty. (He kinda pulled a classic "I'm sorry if you felt that my words seemed dismissive" [emphasis mine] and I read him the riot act for that one.)

ANYWAY. I was really really upset, and so was he, because he hated that what he said had made me feel so invalidated, unhappy, and unwanted.

Eventually, after everything was clarified (and we got back from the sidetrack of a grammatical argument, which is, as Josh said, this is what happens when two word pedants argue)—— he did sincerely apologize in a very decent way, which I'm not going to share the exact wording of because it's kinda private, but——
· he did agree that he was being dismissive and that it's very unfair to compare his being an (extreme!) introvert to my (sincerely problematic) clinical anxiety levels.

· Josh said that he understood that it was important to me that he visited me when possible*, and that he'd like to try again with my parents & the house while they're there because he might've just been stressed out about the situation in general.
He understands that it's very hard on me to visit him but I work through it because I want to be around him, and so it felt like an issue of reciprocation to me.
He clarified that it wasn't an issue of reciprocation in his mind initially, but he understood why I saw it like that, he apologized for not really thinking of it or initially trying to understand when I framed it that way, and he said that he would try his best to keep it in mind in the future.

*It's really not possible because of his schedule—he'd be driving 100 miles right after work and then have to leave that same day because of school, so we mutually agree that that doesn't really give us much time together and isn't worth spending money for 200 miles worth of gas. The reason this came up as an issue was that this week he doesn't have school, so he would've been able to come on Sunday and stay until Tuesday afternoon.

· He told me that he hadn't really thought about the gas issue, which I fully believe, and told me that he did want reminders to split the costs of that.

---

I think that's everything. GOD EMOTIONAL STUFF IS HARD.

Comments

[moonvoice]

Emotional stuff is awful, and I'm glad you got through it relatively intact, and aware that arguments, even huge arguments, don't have to signal permanent catastrophe or anything like that. That's been a really hard learning curve for myself, it's a tough thing to really internalise, especially if previous associations with other people's anger (and your own) have had catastrophic consequences.

I am also really glad you stuck to your guns about the mental health comparison, and that you were there for yourself while your partner couldn't be, that's awesome.

[erika]

You've inspired me to write an entry about what I feel like being in "mental health recovery" looks like for me right now, and the learning curves thereof. :D Look for that soon!

I also wanted to compliment you on your supportive tone—it feels really good to get a comment, read it, and feel honestly heard. :)

[moonvoice]

That sounds like a fantastic post! :D I love posts like that, although, with my own journey through life, mental health/illness posts of any kind are interesting to me.

it feels really good to get a comment, read it, and feel honestly heard. :)

Eee, thank you. That means a lot.

[enemyofperfect]

Emotional stuff is SO hard, but fortunately, it turns out you're an emotional badass. Seriously, standing up for yourself even though it was awful, having an actual productive conversation despite feeling awful, and internalizing the fact that even an awful-feeling argument can lead to actively good things for a relationship: these are some epic accomplishments. Go you!

[erika]

ahhaha, I do not FEEL like an emotional badass, I feel like an emotional ... novice? Like, jr high level emotional abilities? I mean, I'm definitely post-doc level at HAVING emotions, but actually dealing with them in a constructive fashion? Oh holy baby jesus wut that is ridic emotions only bring DOOM AND GLOOM.

But you know, you're right, so... Hm. Thought for therapy/social worker: how to actually see the things I do right without necessarily needing someone to point them out for me.

emotional novice solidarity!

[enemyofperfect]

True story: In the middle of my sadly non-introverted Thanksgiving, I fled went upstairs to check my email and generally look for excuses to take a short break from smiling and pretending that small talk is a thing I know how to do. And I didn't actually do so well on the excuses front, because I didn't have the attention span for, like, anything at all -- but nevertheless, my journey was not in vain! Because this comment awaited me, and I thought: my house is full of people, and as much as I love them, I am having trouble coping with this fact -- but erika recognizes her capacity for emotional badassery, so at least there's something right in the world.

And if that's not in the true spirit of the holiday, I don't think I care to know what is.

Re: emotional novice solidarity!

[erika]

♥♥♥