never gonna find another lover like me, you'll see

[erika]

Let's not say I'm insane. Let's call it crazy... with style.

---

Breaking news here in my kitchen, which I think is hilarious but FAIR WARNING, you will likely find horrifying and not funny!:

So I just walked into the kitchen and discovered that I had boiled water for tea, put sugar in the cup (it's chai so the sugar goes in when it brews), put the tea bags in, and then never poured the water in.

Over an hour ago.

So I thought "you know, this may be the worst thing my brain has done to me in the last 24 hours, fucking hell."

The past twenty four hours, which consisted of disassociating from my emotions entirely, trying to break up with my very loving boyfriend because I forgot why I was working past the pain in the first place, and self-injuring for the first time in seven years.

And then this morning when I snapped out of the emotion-less fugue, it was partially because Josh called me and told me he'd been in an accident. Of course, my brain immediately tried to convince me that he was in fact terribly injured, probably with a concussion and was undoubtedly going to die and the last thing I said to him was super mean, despite the fact that we were on the phone, talking at that very moment, not to mention he hadn't hit his head. (Plus, you know, he was only going 15 miles an hour and the accident was purely because of the sleet turning into ice on the roads.)

But all of that is fairly normal for me really. The problem is that I REALLY WANTED THAT TEA, GODDAMNIT.

edited to add: I mean, I like to think I have a deal with the crazy. It's allowed to fuck up many things in my life, not that I want it to, but I can't stop it all of the time. Go ahead, separate me from my emotions, fuck up my relationships, panic attacks, out of control crying, whatever, I give up, it's better than it used to be so that's good enough. BUT MY TEA IS A STEP TOO FAR, CRAZY BRAIN.

Comments

[februaryfour]

I forget to "water" my tea all the time. ^_^; I occasionally forget I've made tea, too.

[erika]

See, with chai, the longer it steeps the better it tastes. But I like really strong chai. Because of the spices I don't find it gets bitter like other black teas.

[februaryfour]

I tend to drink herbal (no-caffeine), which is fine, but I also drink green tea, which gets horribly bitter when oversteeped. T_T

[erika]

Yeah, with any other tea I have to set a timer. Stupid brain.

(I also have to set a timer if I ever leave the kitchen when I'm cooking, or I end up doing things like burning 4 cups of rice :( )

[februaryfour]

Thank god for rice cookers. *has never been able to cook rice without one*

[erika]

I used to always be able to make perfect rice just bam, pot on the stove, and then I don't know wtf happened, I LOST THE ABILITY.

It might have been the eight months around 2008 I ate nothing but oatmeal, but I feel like I could still make rice then. Damnit.

I did make a relatively decent batch recently, but it was slightly overcooked. :( At least it wasn't crunchy like the batch before that... the dogs got that one.

[elialshadowpine]

Christmas tea is also really good for that IME.

Not that I have a problem with forgetting about my tea or anything. *coughs*

[ofearthandstars]

This definitely sounds like something I have done.

[untonuggan]

*hugs* I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch. Tea is a wonderful balm for all of that, and DON'T TAKE AWAY THE TEA is a frequent thing for me as well.

[enemyofperfect]

That's completely beyond the pale, I agree. Life is full of random bullshit, okay, this is one of its known qualities, whatever -- but leave the little comforts alone!

(Also, sympathies on all the other random bullshit. Which I figure is bound to be a lot harder to deal with IF THE UNIVERSE INSISTS ON DENYING YOU TEA.)

[erika]

I KNOW RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT EVEN. YOU MAY TAKE MY BRAIN BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEADOM--!

I have gone back to iced tea for the time being. Being as it resides in a very large clear pitcher, it is harder to ignore when it's empty.

[moonvoice]

Oh man, sometimes Glen has come home and found like a cold but cooked microwave meal in the microwave that I've forgotten about. It's like 'oh yeah, I meant to have that.' Gotta love dissociation. I think I leave tea steeping for so long it needs to be thrown out about once out of every three times. It's actually one of the reasons I don't drink tea as much anymore.

I'm very sorry to hear about the self harm. I think it's understandable, given everything that has happened, but understandable doesn't erase all the emotions that can come up as a result of having done it again. I hope you are gentle with yourself.

[erika]

Cold cooked microwave meals are basically the only thing I eat when I'm not cooking for more than me. Or I reheat it and have to constantly remind myself to stay in the kitchen.

It helps if I let the dogs out at the same time -- it's cold enough out right now that they want to come in within five minutes, which is generally enough time for the goddamn food to reheat.

... I worry about what I will do when summer comes again.

The SI was ... a lapse, but I remind myself with as much compassion as possible that it doesn't erase more than seven years of 'sobriety'. I'm actually more upset that it turns out I am actually allergic to bandaid (brand specific) adhesive now... the drug store clerk suggested sensitive skin band-aids but the only thing that worked to not raise welts while covering my surgery site was fucking hypoallergenic paper tape, and that does NOT stretch at all. I may have to ace wrap a limb or something if I need another bandage.

Thankfully the skin on my hands is thick enough it doesn't cause blistering or welts if I need to use a bandaid there, but I'm still pissed. The blister burst and everything; I'm pretty sure it's going to leave a bigger scar than anything I did intentionally! Goddamnit.

[elialshadowpine]

Possible suggestion: We get some of the powdered chai blends, make them, and refrigerate them. Cold chai is actually pretty delicious, at least the ones that are heavily milk-based.

Not that I, er, do this a lot or anything. ADD is fuuun.

[erika]

Cold chai is AWESOME, but I feel weird about drinking it in the winter.

However, considering that I'm now drinking iced sweet tea, I should reconsider this possibly.

What powdered chai blend do you like? I prefer the liquid right now. (I also don't like star anise, if that's in your preferred blend!)

[alwayswondered]

*hugs* *love*

That's all I have right now. <3

[erika]

And I appreciate it, very much.

[solitarywalker]

i've made the opposite mistake. Boiled water, put the tea-filter into the mug, poured in hot water, covered the filter, set the timer, and when the timer went off and i took out the filter: oops, forgot to put in the tea leaves.

[erika]

DOH.

It's really quite a let down, isn't it!