i need to feel i'm getting stronger——as long as i'm moving it feels true

[erika]

This winter I appear to be bouncing back and forth between sane/numb erika and crazy/happy/moody erika.

Sane/numb erika are Abilify days.

Today is not an Abilify day.

When I take it, I lose my creativity, and some part of my intelligence. Maybe my curiosity... maybe something less tangible that happens when you go from being in full command of your intellectual faculties and then suddenly only have 80% control.

But I'm not crippled by overwhelming anxiety and suffering.

As I said to a friend, "it's like Sophie's fucking Choice up in here."

---

I go through. I continue. Persevere. I have learned the meaning of those words. To keep an intimate relationship, I keep more things to myself, and I have learned the value of privacy to understand the currency of communication.

Communication disseminates information and can easily lead to intimacy, and therefore is an important as hell part of the work in relationships itself.

In a fact that will surprise no one who knows my parents, the communication skills I learned growing up are largely limited to threats and control-freak manipulative behavior.

It's been a real fucking pleasure to have to learn to express needs like an adult. If I were in charge of The Force, it would be vulnerability that leads to the Dark Side, so that's been a real fucking challenge, too.

(That having been said, it's still unclear to me why I haven't been journalling. Just haven't had the time, really, I suppose. More entries, but shorter than the norm seems likely.)

Actually talking to your partner is fucking important, evidently. I would say who knew, but let's be honest, everyone but me did.

---

Esperanza. But I won't wait, while I hope. I fight, I scheme, I build, I try my best. I do it every day, and it doesn't get any easier, but at least it hasn't gotten worse. And I like the results.

Carve it on my fucking tombstone. it's not quite Dorothy Parker*, but "She always tried her best" will do.

*Wherever she went,
including here,
it was against her better judgment.

Comments

[rydra_wong]

It's good to see your voice, so to speak. Listening.

In a fact that will surprise no one who knows my parents, the communication skills I learned growing up are largely limited to threats and control-freak manipulative behavior.

It's been a real fucking pleasure to have to learn to express needs like an adult.

Question: how did you learn? Any resources that were especially helpful?

(It's for a friend. No, really.)

[erika]

Writing an entry in reply to your comment!

[rydra_wong]

Oh, awesome! Thanks in advance!

[quirkytizzy]

As always, your writing hits home. Well done - perfectly evocative. And good luck with the Abilify, that drug seems to be either wonderful or awful to people - no in betweens. *HUGS*

[erika]

I think this drug is both wonderful AND awful. I can see why I'd like it when I'm depressed, but right now it's a bitch. Kinda. Only when I take it. But I have to take it, or I turn into the bitch. Motherfucker.

And Josh loves it, but that's because we've argued approximately 60000% less since I started taking it. My emotional insanity went way down, honestly.

[enemyofperfect]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say those medication tradeoffs sound moderately shitty. Also communication sounds exactly the kind of bizarrely useful skill I would love to have and hate to acquire. Also, your determination is kind of awesome.

[erika]

Yayyyyy you replied I like you.

The medication tradeoffs are totally shitty. I need to take it because benefits, but I hate taking it because drawbacks. ./facepalm

I'm writing a long post about how I acquired the skill. There are MULTITUDINOUS reasons why it was necessary and also, it turns out to communicate your needs, you have to know what they are, so I had to start figuring that shit out.

[enemyofperfect]

Ahahaha I almost didn't comment, because my brain was busy having a sad tantrum for a few days or something, idek, and then I was like ugh it's been ages there's no point, BUT then I remembered, this is erika, not some person who wouldn't understand! So then I did. ♥

I'm sorry the tradeoffs are so shitty, ugh. :/ The world of excitingly terrible side effects is mostly ahead of me (two and a half weeks into my first ever psychopharmaceutical, whee!) but it just doesn't sound like fun.

and also, it turns out to communicate your needs, you have to know what they are

OH IS THAT WHERE I'VE BEEN GOING WRONG. But srsly, super looking forward to your post!