it ain't right, it ain't fair (& you're desperate now for somewhere to turn)

[erika]

I try to remember that none of this is permanent. This too shall pass, etc, etc.

So far it hasn't made a dent.

Trial has been postponed, now rescheduled for October sixth.

The underside of my car is basically rusted through, so tomorrow I call repair shops & bargain my way through complicated arrangements of getting me everywhere I need to go, and nowhere I want to be.

---

Life is so ridiculously difficult right now. I feel almost regretful that I've always enjoyed and embraced my sexuality, like that's what led to this outcome—obviously, logic has no place in my head at the moment.

I just want this to be over. I want my life back. Too bad that the last remnants of a life where I was happy were deliberately smashed by a person who claimed to love me.

Yet how much of this is my fault? I allowed my needs and wants to be ignored, acquiescenced to the sick parody of love that Josh supplied, contradicted the valid rationale of all of my friends and family who disliked him, distrusted my own judgment, and enacted few boundaries.

Being sexually assaulted is not my fault, I know that, but ... what if I'd stood up for myself earlier?

I'll never know.

Now remains the task: to stand up for myself, protect myself, build my own life... somehow.

Comments

[silverhare]

what if I'd stood up for myself earlier?

I recognise this painful, horrible spiralling thought in myself, too. I've been through all that, over and over in my head.

Keep holding fast to the thought, the deep underlying knowledge from all of us to you - this is not your fault. All the things leading up to the event that was the catalyst - those were not your fault. None of this is your fault. <3

[erika]

I just wish so strongly I listened to my friends, even my family who really truly did not like this guy. Had I stopped to consider their viewpoint of him... I don't know. I had my very serious doubts even before this happened. I know I did.

I don't know how to admit I made such a mistake in judgment, and simultaneously acknowledge that he was constantly encouraging that mistake, always ready with an explanation to get me to believe in him again, and me too ready to believe my judgment was faulty.

some personal experience that veers into advice land, skip if you need to

[untonuggan]

I have had a lot of those thoughts myself about my own abuse.

The best response I have been able to come up with was to research how abusers target and groom people for abuse, and how the cycle of abuse works. It's been really fucking liberating (at least for me). I have also found the knowledge really helpful because it's helped me gain confidence that I can spot these behaviors in the future and run the fuck away.

I can (now) see how "testing boundaries early on" is a thing, and that coming from a background with zero fucking boundaries of course I would not have any XP with "how to set boundaries with someone who doesn't respect them" or know that this is the time to run from the giant red flags. Also, often emotional abuse is a precursor to physical things...basically, it's to break down your self esteem so you don't trust your own gut instinct that says "this is fucked up, run away" or even "yes, that is actually what happened, not what this has said retroactively happened."

Frankly, I feel "warning signs of an abuser" is something that should be taught in middle school health classes worldwide. Not gonna happen for the same reason Freud changed his theories (i.e. too many people in power are abusive shits).

If you think any of the above type of things would be helpful to you, I can send you some of the links that have helped me.

♥

Re: testing boundaries & warning signs of an abuser

[erika]

(have meant to reply to this a thousand times but have not. Likewise please do not take my next sentence as a command but simply a request.)

Yes, I would love to read more of any thoughts you have on the subject and of course, you're always so great with links, so feel free to throw them over.

[untonuggan]

also, I'm sorry you're stuck waiting for the trial. that fucking sucks ass.

[worlds_of_smoke]

goddammit. I'm sorry they're stretching this out. :( -offers hugs-

[panda]

<333333333333

[tree_and_leaf]

I'm sorry. It's not your fault - keep holding on to that and try to believe it.

[erika]

Things have gone very well and I wanted you to know that even though I'm not talking of it more until it's resolved, there is definitely good news towards the resolution I wanted.

Thank you for your support.