swimming against the stream (wish i could make it easy to love me)

[erika]

So yeah I've been super busy, and it seems like in my quest to reconsider whose opinion matters to me most in terms of how I live my life (hint: mine*) I've pulled back from journalling unintentionally.

*and not my parents', but here's the trick: taking back control of my life only works if I have an opinion, if I want it so bad I can taste it, if I need to do something with my goddamn life and realize I have at most six decades left to do it in.

I find myself wanting to live up to the person I tell other people to be, and less needing to meet some impossible other standard of perfect unimpeachable inaction, like Congress.

Everyone is flawed. It doesn't bother me to need to compensate —the hard part was learning not to hate myself for being flawed, for that double standard. It's hard to describe the tunnel vision that sets over me when I get overwhelmed, the inability I remember from childhood, truly not comprehending other's intents.

When I look it up, I find information about mentalisation therapy, commonly used in the UK for people who share my (non)-diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

Mentalisation is the "normal ability to ascribe intentions and meaning to human behavior" but it's more than that:

• To see ourselves from the outside and others from the inside


• Understanding misunderstanding


• Having mind in mind


• Past, present, and future


• Introspection for subjective self-construction – know yourself as others know you but also know your subjective self.

You know, basically the thing my parents have failed at forevz. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Gotta do it for myself now. Whole new avenue of exploration.

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A recent realization: I'm hyperconnected for my age group (27-33ish, I'd say) but everyone younger than me/us (based on my siblings) is ludicrously connected, to the point where my faculty at navigating any integrated device is close to average.

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Things I now do routinely:

Brush my teeth.
Brush my dog's teeth.
Argue with my dogs.
Sift through six boxes of cat litter in exchange for GLORIOUS FREEDOM.

And after my morning panic attack (down to only happening when I miss my meds, instead of every day regardless), I write.

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Oh yeah, I quit smoking tobacco. 3 weeks Monday (leap day 2016!).

Comments

[worlds_of_smoke]

Congrats! <3

[untonuggan]

congrats on quitting smoking!

i'm around(ish) if you want to talk
when my body is cooperating with words

[enemyofperfect]

but here's the trick: taking back control of my life only works if I have an opinion

Ahaha, ow. Maybe that's part of where I struggle.

But congratulations on quitting! And on dodging at least some panic attacks, omg.