work it to the bone and the same won't happen

[erika]

Things That Trip Erika's Internalized Shame About Being Neurodivergent/Disabled:
• Moving (I can't do my share! I can't do it all! I can't find anything! I don't find it easy to take care of myself under these conditions!)


• Going to the Doctor (primarily executive dysfunction feels because it's always this prolonged torture of memory testing paperwork and I have to go through and pull out the recollection of several surgeries, dozens of meds and hours of invalidation I had to pay for)


• Contacting Insurance or Social Security (SSA: When you're incapable of filling out any more paperwork, please contact us, stay two hours on hold and then we'll send you a form.)
  
• Public interaction with strangers that is not entirely reliant on me smiling big and being highly articulate and lacking in self-consciousness (apparently NTs mistake this for "charisma," yet this talent cannot sail me blithely away from someone who's irritated that I backed into their car because someone else honked three streets over, i.e. for cause. HOWEVER, can usually cover over any awkwardness of me BLATANTLY eavesdropping while walking my dog, minor social faux pas etc)
  

Events that Always Cause a Flare in Pain (physical/psychic)*:

• Moving


• Physical Illness


• Prolonged Periods of Toxic Stress (i.e. non-productive, non-enjoyable, predominantly mental/emotional, usually accompanied by insomnia & panic attacks)


• Interpersonal fuckery (disrespect, bad communication)


• Noise


• Unclean &/or messy environments


• Tobacco (including 3rd/2nd hand smoke)

Every Day Situations Made Especially Difficult by Erika's Aphantasia:

• Understanding Directions/Following Maps


• Driving in Tight Areas like Parking Garages/Lots


• Putting Items I Use Every Day Away (because I need to use it again tomorrow and if it's not out, I might forget)


• Rearranging items I own as in PACKING and Unpacking (because if item's not where my proprioception expects it to be, item's ~gone forevs~ as I have no other mental map of it)

Conclusion: NOTHING makes me feel worse in more ways than moving house. Chronic pain + ASD make it HELL and since I moved to the Bay Area, this is my fourth move in two years. (yes, I do see the cause and effect here, but I'm broke and I am in love with the climate)

It's like a perfect storm of everything I can't stand:
tons of paperwork to trigger anxiety, executive dysfunction meaning a thousand small tasks aren't happening, daily meltdowns triggered by my hatred of change and intolerance of disruption. Aphantasia means I have a really hard time with my things being rearranged--every time we move, I find stuff i thought I didn't own anymore, and I own only enough things that fit in my car. I detest how self-centered I become and how I retreat when feeling overwhelmed, because it's like *being* overwhelmed makes me forget all the ways I learned to deal with being overwhelmed.

I have yet to come up with a way to make this funny because UGHGHGHGGHGHGHGGHGHGHGH.

Comments

[worlds_of_smoke]

I used to get stressed a lot about doctor's appointments, too, for the same reason. I found that making a file on my computer with all the relevant medical information in it makes appointments so much easier. I just print it out every time there's an update, tuck it in my appointment book that goes everywhere with me, and whip it out when it's needed at the doctor's office. I have my medications (sorted by doctor), supplements, allergies, surgical history, and fracture history on mine.

[erika]

I had that file, and then, true story, sometime in the last 24 months it hit 2 years since I had logged into it and it got deleted. I discovered this when I went to prep for the latest attempt at going back to a physician for the chronic shit wrong with me and it was missing, then I forgot about it again.

I guess that means rebuilding? ffff.

[worlds_of_smoke]

oh no. D: those files are like the most annoying things ever to build. D:

[erika]

Yeah, I honestly think the weight of rebuilding my medical records, 99% of which are in another state/city's systems, is one reason I haven't gone to ANY primary care doctor or psychiatrist in the last 18 months.

Since I have to recompile everything, it feels like I might as well go get everything re-diagnosed correctly while I'm at it, but that is starting from the absolute beginning and I don't know if I have the patience for that with the combined weight of cumulative bad experience with medical professionals.

[worlds_of_smoke]

Well, nobody says you have to have a complete medical history like I have. I mean, it's obviously ideal, but if all you can get together is your medication list, so be it. Every little bit helps, y'know?

Yeah, That's a sticky situation to be in. Starting from the absolute beginning is a LOT to have to deal with and I don't blame you for not being sure if you have the patience for that.