there's nothing we can lose that we will ever need again
Sunday, August 26th, 2018 01:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erikaSomewhere I picked up the meme that the 2016 election, Facebook and fake news are the crisis points directing us to implement ethics in computer science, just as the atomic bomb was a crisis point for physics and ethics in psychiatry have ...somewhat advanced since phrenology.
I spent age 8-28 on the computer. Not sure it was entirely a waste of time, yet now my day to day life is so dramatically different and I'm so much happier!
I cook. I might spend hours a day walking around, sitting on park benches, hours having conversations with and actually seeing other people face to face. On a technology heavy day, I actually boot up my laptop and might spend 2 hours on the computer. This happens...twice a week maybe.
Before now, before California, before being my own best friend and adulthood and functional living, I lived with my whole family but all I remember is being alone, constantly. I needed to be. Fake-busy chain-smoking cigarettes, up all night mainlining sodas to farm karma, typing furiously, electronic faux-Diogenes looking everywhere for an honest man. If I wasn't asleep, I stared through the Internet window into a life I believed I couldn't lead, from the wreckage I was too scared to leave.
I don't need the Internet to save me anymore. I save me. I keep me Okay. No matter where I am, whether other people like me or not, if I'm broke or flush, if I'm happy or sad, I'm the adult here.
Turns out I'm not that invested in meaningless internet points. When I was sad, when I was denying my own agency, that kind of thing meant more. I didn't see the grey areas where growth could be, too busy soaking up the pictures I could see clearly for the first time in black & white.
Lifestyle's different where I live now. Levels of acceptance in the community at large too—I feel like I fit in. Now, if I need entertainment, I head to the off-leash dog beach. Usually the ocean can NEARLY drown out my beagle running around baying her head off at everyone.
(I walk around not introducing myself but instead my delightful dog.
She bays, bays, runs up and runs away
then I say, 'hello, I see you met my dog Teyla,
you should check your bags if you used to have food in there,
yes she's adorable, she's 12 actually,
oh right well
running around and getting into trouble keeps her young.'
The reaction she gets from other dogs makes me wonder if she has the doggie equivalent of autism like me—universally even other hounds go "wuuuuuuh so loud" and kinda walk away.)
I'm glad I have this journal and the friends I made here and through my online activities, don't get me wrong! Balance is what I'm getting closer to, is the thing, and that's why I'm starting to flourish.
(I'm over ignorance; I don't need to take care of your feelings anymore. Dropped the rope already.)
I spent age 8-28 on the computer. Not sure it was entirely a waste of time, yet now my day to day life is so dramatically different and I'm so much happier!
I cook. I might spend hours a day walking around, sitting on park benches, hours having conversations with and actually seeing other people face to face. On a technology heavy day, I actually boot up my laptop and might spend 2 hours on the computer. This happens...twice a week maybe.
Before now, before California, before being my own best friend and adulthood and functional living, I lived with my whole family but all I remember is being alone, constantly. I needed to be. Fake-busy chain-smoking cigarettes, up all night mainlining sodas to farm karma, typing furiously, electronic faux-Diogenes looking everywhere for an honest man. If I wasn't asleep, I stared through the Internet window into a life I believed I couldn't lead, from the wreckage I was too scared to leave.
I don't need the Internet to save me anymore. I save me. I keep me Okay. No matter where I am, whether other people like me or not, if I'm broke or flush, if I'm happy or sad, I'm the adult here.
Turns out I'm not that invested in meaningless internet points. When I was sad, when I was denying my own agency, that kind of thing meant more. I didn't see the grey areas where growth could be, too busy soaking up the pictures I could see clearly for the first time in black & white.
Lifestyle's different where I live now. Levels of acceptance in the community at large too—I feel like I fit in. Now, if I need entertainment, I head to the off-leash dog beach. Usually the ocean can NEARLY drown out my beagle running around baying her head off at everyone.
(I walk around not introducing myself but instead my delightful dog.
She bays, bays, runs up and runs away
then I say, 'hello, I see you met my dog Teyla,
you should check your bags if you used to have food in there,
yes she's adorable, she's 12 actually,
oh right well
running around and getting into trouble keeps her young.'
The reaction she gets from other dogs makes me wonder if she has the doggie equivalent of autism like me—universally even other hounds go "wuuuuuuh so loud" and kinda walk away.)
I'm glad I have this journal and the friends I made here and through my online activities, don't get me wrong! Balance is what I'm getting closer to, is the thing, and that's why I'm starting to flourish.
(I'm over ignorance; I don't need to take care of your feelings anymore. Dropped the rope already.)
no subject
on Wednesday, August 29th, 2018 10:41 pm (UTC)