and if i'm being honest, it might've been a nightmare

[erika]

Today I woke up and my chest doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday. I cannot take this as an opportunity to do more, despite my TERRIBLE FUCKING BOREDOM, since I get short of breath after about two sentences and walking to the bathroom/sitting up at the computer is about all I should let myself do.

Did I mention the concentration and fatigue? I feel like half-microwaved half-frozen ASS. (It's still way better than I felt last Sunday.)

The albuterol inhaler I got from the doctor has helped, as well as RESTING CONSTANTLY, pushing fluids (and food, I stopped getting hungry when the chest pain showed up but my appetite started coming back Friday) and dosing daily with guaifenesin. Haven't used many fever relievers as acetaminophen gives me a nasty rebound headache, and anyway the fever for me was never that bad.

Should I get a spacer for the inhaler? So damn tired. So bored. So difficult to think. Started a new job and an online training course which took another person 4-5 hours to complete took me 7. That never happens; I'm a damned speed-reader!

Trav has left the house to go on a Serious Errand (laundry) which will take him out of the Quarantine Zone for FOUR whole hours and I'm inordinately jealous. Of laundry. I haven't left the house for anything but Three Serious Medical-Related Errands in... 15 days now. Not even tagging along on dog walks because I've been so tired.

(Dear God I probably should have quarantining for longer and been more strict but I didn't think I was really sick, fuck. FUCK.)

I will not go outside. I will not hurt anyone else more than I might have already by accident or ignorance. I will rest and recover. I WILL. I'm just ... lonely, I guess.

---

Brain is being very interesting right now. As I tune into what I'm thinking with the mindset of an interested bystander (thanks, meditation!) I have been noticing a few tracks of rumination:

• Are we sure this is reality? It doesn't feel like Reality. Remember how when Trump got elected you decided this was the Darkest Timeline and you probably didn't belong here? So you really think Trump got elected AND we have a pandemic? Seems unlikely, doesn't it. Probably this is a simulation; notice how nothing feels real anymore? Did some lady in an isolation spacesuit stick a Q-Tip into your brain, seriously? Nahhhhhh. Definitely fake. Definitely. It's a nice fake for now but people will probably start turning into zombies at any minute, maybe you're being filmed? Nah probably not. Probably.



• Hey, we should go outside and see other people because that Agoraphobia you dealt with for years was FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the habit of never seeing anyone difficult to recoup from, so we shouldn't slide back into it! Go outside! See people! Get dinner and cuddle with your girlfriend! Get lots of hugs! You'll FEEL BETTER... don't you want to feel better? If you don't want to feel better, then SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG!



• Nothing Matters! It didn't really matter to begin with, remember? Remember how we wanted to die when we were tiny? Remember how we were in Crisis Forever for the rest of our entire life? Remember how we even gave up on dying and sloooooooowly pulled our head out of our ass and then we weren't in crisis anymore SOMEHOW the WORK WORKED,
  and then at the beginning of this year you were really excited and pleased because you were building up savings and you had things to look forward to and you'd built a good life with chosen family and part of a community and giving back and even started to appreciate yourself?
  HEY HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA GUESS WHAT THAT'S ALL GONE BECAUSE NOTHING EVER LASTS——ALSO FUCK YOU SPECIFICALLY, ERIKA, you personally caused people to die by not taking shit seriously!

... I'm not going to let any of those lines of thought affect my actions, for sure, but wow is it weird to simultaneously feel like This Probably Isn't Reality and also, Why Don't I Just Go Infect Everyone because Being Inside Makes Me Sad and also, have I considered that Life Is Meaningless Just Like I Always Suspected?

Trying to hold onto gratitude. This is maybe the Later I was always saving my sanity for.

Comments

[sixbeforelunch]

Hey, we should go outside and see other people because that Agoraphobia you dealt with for years was FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the habit of never seeing anyone difficult to recoup from, so we shouldn't slide back into it!

I feel you so hard here. I was agoraphobic for years and it took so much work to be able to leave my house comfortably and regularly. I was just thinking last night that I feel like an alcoholic who's been told that I have to do tequila shots to save the world. Like...yeah, okay, I'm willing to pitch in, but after this is all over, I'm going to need to some help getting back on track.

[summerstorm]

This is both So Fucking Real to me and also So Ironic because I am a chronic day drinker so any fears of falling back into those old habits (apart from the fact that I think my meds killed them) are far, far eclipsed by the fear of running out of booze.

[worlds_of_smoke]

-offers all the hugs-

[chomiji]

*support support *

[summerstorm]

Hi! That sucks. I've been thinking about getting tested because I've had a dry cough for a while and I know that younger can be carriers while asymptomatic and I just like... don't want to give it to my mom, but I'm probably fine? Probably. Hopefully.

We can't even go outside here unless we're shopping, apparently there are fines and supermarkets are telling people to keep receipts. There's military personnel around, though I haven't seen any, but then I'm barely going anywhere.

Man, your nothing matters point hits home. That's how I feel whenever I get scared of a crash on a plane. Have you read Jenny Lawson's Furiously Happy? She has that issue too and I recommend it if you haven't. It's very funny and also very touching; she also has a first book that's only funny if you're into memoirs. edit: I mean that the first book is hilarious and has no chapters that will make you cry, not that you have to be into memoirs to find it funny. But it is a memoir so if you're into memoirs, you should check it out.

Anyway, I'm here if you want to chat. Most accessible through twitter dms but I can be flexible.