no, NO songs, only worry.

[erika]

So as I stare down the barrel of a consultative exam for Social Security disability, I have not been able to stop thinking about what disability even is. I've tried my best to get to the lifestyle it seems like everyone else can do—not that it's not effort for them, they're just not ... completely shattered by it like I am????

I'm having a lot of "do I even qualify" thoughts, like "maybe everyone else around me can see i'm not disabled and so i'm just imagining it."

If my experience is that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot sustain the work options available to me, due to (a partial list off the top of my head of the worst problems)
* severe and somewhat unpredictable yet regular mental/emotional breakdowns which come with uncontrollable crying, occasional screaming and flailing ('meltdowns'?)
* inability to communicate respectfully with authority figures, especially when there's an expectation of punishment
* dissociation from, y'know, this reality to the point where I regularly don't remember what day it is
* incredible exhaustion from tasks most people consider 'normal' (i.e. going to the grocery store, talking to strangers, an 8 hour shift)

BUT so many people who know me in an acquaintance sort of way think I totally can handle this stuff——

is it possible that I'm actually not ill and it's just that I'm... ______________ (I don't know what that blank is, maybe malingering? enjoying not 'having' to work? or giving up too soon?)

I'm so in my own head about this I would really welcome some outside input.