no, NO songs, only worry.

[erika]

So as I stare down the barrel of a consultative exam for Social Security disability, I have not been able to stop thinking about what disability even is. I've tried my best to get to the lifestyle it seems like everyone else can do—not that it's not effort for them, they're just not ... completely shattered by it like I am????

I'm having a lot of "do I even qualify" thoughts, like "maybe everyone else around me can see i'm not disabled and so i'm just imagining it."

If my experience is that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot sustain the work options available to me, due to (a partial list off the top of my head of the worst problems)
* severe and somewhat unpredictable yet regular mental/emotional breakdowns which come with uncontrollable crying, occasional screaming and flailing ('meltdowns'?)
* inability to communicate respectfully with authority figures, especially when there's an expectation of punishment
* dissociation from, y'know, this reality to the point where I regularly don't remember what day it is
* incredible exhaustion from tasks most people consider 'normal' (i.e. going to the grocery store, talking to strangers, an 8 hour shift)

BUT so many people who know me in an acquaintance sort of way think I totally can handle this stuff——

is it possible that I'm actually not ill and it's just that I'm... ______________ (I don't know what that blank is, maybe malingering? enjoying not 'having' to work? or giving up too soon?)

I'm so in my own head about this I would really welcome some outside input.

Comments

[sixbeforelunch]

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but *hugs* if you want them.

From what I've seen, a lot of people who are disabled in one way or another struggle with wondering if they are disabled enough to say that they are. I wonder myself a lot if I could be called disabled. (I tend to describe myself as "emotionally fragile" when explaining why I do certain things to take care of myself over and above what most people need, because it doesn't raise as many questions.)

I'm sorry. I wish I could be more help. Sending support.

[firecat]

I know several people on Social Security disability for reasons similar to yours. So it seems like you should qualify. Enjoying not 'having' to work does not disqualify you!

[rydra_wong]

If my experience is that no matter how hard I try, I literally cannot sustain the work options available to me, due to

Outside input: yeah you're actually disabled.

Also: you may find that you have unexpected emotional responses about acknowledging that, because in a weird way it can be painful to have to go "no, I could never have done [X] if only I 'tried harder'".

Believing that you could do [X] if only you weren't ______________ still leaves you with the possibility that maybe one day you'll try just that bit harder/stop being ______________ etc. and then be able to have that "normal" work life or whatever.

Finally having to go "no that's not on the table, that will never be on the table for me" can hurt.

And then you can also get the "FUCK YOU WORLD for making me spend years beating myself against this brick wall that it was never going to be possible for me to get through" response.

[erika]

I also spent my 20s identifying very deeply with the idea of being incapable, and so now trying to fight against it, that feeling like I could just try harder comes up.
But I know I literally cannot try any harder, and honestly "you should just try your way out of disability!" strikes me as something so neoliberal it would be exceedingly profitable to advertise.

I've now had a dental infection for at least 2 days longer than necessary because I was "trying" so hard to ignore pain for chrissakes. (treated now, feeling better) Anyway. Thank you for your input. I re-read these comments when I'm spiraling.

[worlds_of_smoke]

The fact that your disabilities are related to mental illness doesn't mean your disabilities aren't as valid as someone who has a physical disability. Just because you can mask things and live in a way that makes you look "normal" doesn't mean that you're not working from a lower baseline. And that baseline is what matters.

[erika]

Excellent point; I've been re-reading these when I spiral. I sometimes manage to remember this as "I have to do more work than a full time job just to get to where everyone else considers normal, which is why working is too much for me on top."

[worlds_of_smoke]

It's a hard thing to remember! Especially when you have to consider that, not only do you have to deal with your illnesses, but you have to deal with all the management of it, along with managing your benefits and all that shit.

[erika]

Plus, now I have all this practice, it definitely seems more like "day to day life as normal" and not "holy crap all this illness admin" even though, honestly, looking from the outside? HOLY CRAP.

SSA still has not gotten back to me, btw. They started this re-eval in ... October? (plus the two rounds of paperwork before then)