i'll always be king of pain

This is a direct quote from an IM chat Ellen* and I were having (note, I never said I wanted to feel normal, just "less depressed"). Bold is mine, italics and extraneous use of quotation marks is hers:

maybe your goal should be to feel less "like this" because that seems more achievable. and if you're not going to kill yourself, then you might as well figure out what is going to make our life least miserable, instead of hoping everything's going to change someday and you will feel "normal."

so instead of trying to feel not "like this" or "normal", just try to minimize your misery and feel less depressed. people who have mental illnesses for as long as you've had generally don't get to be "normal." but some of them can be "pretty okay" or "better than before".

So, great! I should be so grateful to only feel like complete suicidal whale shit at the bottom of the ocean 20% of the time instead of 80% of the time! Look on the bright side! It's not like you're ever really going to recover, so maybe this is as good as it gets!

I don't even know.

Maybe it's me? Am I crazy for thinking that it's possible to have a full, bright life without the spectre of depression hanging over me at every turn? I mean, is it even possible to truly beat this, even after living 20 years with it? Ellen sure doesn't seem to think so.

*not her real name

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